Feeling a little hopeless

[SofiN]

The last few days have been really rough for me. I'm not sure if it is hormone induced or just having some kind of meltdown but quite a few things have happened and it makes me really doubt if I can even transition and be happy.

Obviously not transitioning is the better option but judging from recent events I learnt a lot.

How do you handle being one of the non passing visible transgender people? I've had a lot of external opinions now and basically there is no way I can ever pass right now. This really hurts. I only want to be normal and fit in...not run into constant roadblocks due to people outing me as soon as they see me. From what we all worked out, I very likely need surgery to fix that. Something that is just not an option for me.

I've been trying really hard with presentation and all but it seems genetics is simply working against me =(

I get a little jealous looking at the "do I pass" thread on here as everyone looks so wonderful. I tried posting as well but that didn't go so well - but that was to be expected.

Not really sure where this post is going I just had some suicidal thoughts last night and this morning and felt a need to let this out. You are all amazing <3

[Ms Grace]

Hi, you've only been on HRT for a short while and even though hormones alone won't get you over the line of passability they do help but you have to give them time - and by time I'm talking twelve or months. The period of transition is often the hardest because you are truly between body shapes and gender appearance.

Maybe forget about the "do I pass" thread and go check out the "before and after" thread, that can often be very inspirational!

[Dena]

I look at the do I pass often to make sure nobody is abusing somebody else but I tend not to post there unless giving advice. In your case, the picture was down by the time I looked at the thread so I don't have a clue what you look like. Most of the time we are to hard on ourself and we pass far better than we think. It took me nearly two years of living full time before I could look in the mirror and see a woman looking back. My face hadn't change or my makeup but my mindset changed.

In my case, for years my voice was a dead give away but I was still accepted as a woman. People rarely run around pointing fingers at you saying guess what. Most people have been raised to be polite and accepting.

Often I on this site I see people who want FFS and they don't need it. FFS isn't the cure for finding self acceptance but just realizing that you are becoming the person you have always wanted to be is. I figured I wasn't passing at first but being female was far better than being male even if I wasn't fully passing.

[stephaniec]

I just have an unbreakable reason to transition. I should of done it when I was 18 , but circumstances were there in my favor now at 64 I'm doing it and its heaven . I do't know how well I look as opposed to the naturally born , but today about a hour a go this girl in her 20's came into the Subway sandwich shop I'm sitting in and kept looking at me. The only reason that she would be doing that would be if I looked like Greta Garbo or a transgender. You just need your reason for transitioning and just do it.

[Cindy]

We get so caught up in what people call 'passing'.

What is it? Do you want to look like a gorgeous woman, a movie star or a model?

Well most women never will. Just read women's magazines, expectations of looking impossible are the norm.

Can you be accepted as a normal woman?

Of course you can. I am. I'm nothing to look at, close scrutiny reveals male features and - all women have them.

Living as a female has little to do with looks. It is to do with mannerisms, presentation and social awareness.

Do something for me.

Go to a major shopping area and find a seat. Sit. Maybe have a coffee and a newspaper and just watch men and women.

Ask your self 'What is the difference?' Why are women accepted as women and men as men?

Is it that the women are drop dead gorgeous (in your dreams, most women are average looking) is it that men look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt? (In my dreams).
Or is it behavioural?

Women and men are accepted at first glance in society because they fit a normality. What people expect.

Do ciswomen think about passing? Of course not.

So why should you?

[Wild Flower]

I cannot judge this without at least seeing stats (height, measurements).

I would love to say we all pass, but there are some that even decades of hormones will not pass.

My voice will never pass unless I get surgery. True story.

My eyes are a woman's eyes so I luck out there. (after a brow lift)

[SofiN]

Thank you all for the amazing feedback. I posted this acting mainly on emotion and it's very easy to see the bad when down.

I completely agree that we get absorbed in passing. A lot of effort goes into the transition and it is easy to lose sight of the rest of life.

Sometimes I just feel like the effort isn't amounting to much and that's why I get down. As far as things stand right now I'm probably right in the middle of the androgynous zone which feels very awkward when out and about.

It's definitely more than just passing though. Outside of the stress of trying to blend in life is so much better. I honestly wouldn't want to go back in time and decide not to transition.

[April_TO]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I say this is completely normal and everyone undergoing this process will go through the same thing. I say take it slowly dress more androgynous and let HRT do it's work. It will take sometime for us to comfortable with who are and that also impacts the way we present ourselves in public. Be kind to yourself and be proud of who you are.

It took me almost 1.5 yrs to be comfortable in my own skin. You'll be surprised how much you'll feel a year from now. It does get better in time

Thank you all for the amazing feedback. I posted this acting mainly on emotion and it's very easy to see the bad when down.

I completely agree that we get absorbed in passing. A lot of effort goes into the transition and it is easy to lose sight of the rest of life.

Sometimes I just feel like the effort isn't amounting to much and that's why I get down. As far as things stand right now I'm probably right in the middle of the androgynous zone which feels very awkward when out and about.

It's definitely more than just passing though. Outside of the stress of trying to blend in life is so much better. I honestly wouldn't want to go back in time and decide not to transition.

[SofiN]

Thank you April for the kind words. Maybe jumping into full-time before even starting HRT was a bit of a crazy move! Jumped right into the deep end with that just a bit.

It's been quite a struggle and I think you are right - maybe doing some androgynous days could help a little! After all it isn't a race. Just trying to find that balance of expressing self while still being comfortable. A difficult line I'm still figuring out.

Really looking forward to things in a year if things do continue at a steady pace. Like what you mentioned, I have noticed others here also seem to be a lot happier past the 1 year marker.

I'm making some steps over the next few weeks that could help out as well, looking at getting hair professionally cut and taking a visit to an optician to see if I need glasses this week (maybe cute frames? ) because last test was over 10 years ago.

[KayXo]

Watch I am Cait, Season 2 on E!. It will inspire you.

[April_TO]

Atta girl You are very brave for going FT even before HRT and I commend you for that.
At the end of the day, you are you and you are not harming anyone and from the way you sound, you are very kind and a loving individual. Stay this way and you'll go far.

Hugs and keep us posted! There's always hope, keep smiling

Thank you April for the kind words. Maybe jumping into full-time before even starting HRT was a bit of a crazy move! Jumped right into the deep end with that just a bit.

It's been quite a struggle and I think you are right - maybe doing some androgynous days could help a little! After all it isn't a race. Just trying to find that balance of expressing self while still being comfortable. A difficult line I'm still figuring out.

Really looking forward to things in a year if things do continue at a steady pace. Like what you mentioned, I have noticed others here also seem to be a lot happier past the 1 year marker.

I'm making some steps over the next few weeks that could help out as well, looking at getting hair professionally cut and taking a visit to an optician to see if I need glasses this week (maybe cute frames? ) because last test was over 10 years ago.

[smitty52us]

I'm transitoning at age 67 and been on hormones for 3 years no don't realy know if i pass or not but i get my care at the va i go dressed into at most all male place there is i don't have any trouble there and if i could have done it when i was in my teens it would have been great but in our day you would have been arrested or sent to a mental hospital  but beeing able to be you is most importent if your happy doing and beeing who you are the heck with what other people think

[SofiN]

Well to add on to this, I had work experience yesterday (it was an intro day to meet the staff and see how the work place operates) and I went in in girl mode.

The results were actually quite amazing, far beyond anything I could have hoped. I was extremely scared but pushed on and no one misgendered me, I was part of a group and they kept referring to us as ladies. Also I got referred to as "she" and everyone was so lovely and kind. It is a super laid back and relaxed company too, very flexible and they have transgender protections.

It was a huge confidence booster, and it makes me feel that maybe passing isn't so important all the time if you meet the right people. (Not really sure if I passed, but they assumed female even before they read my name out)

Due to the atmosphere I'm going back in a couple weeks to start.

[Dee Marshall]

SofiN, I've learned that it doesn't matter what they're thinking, it only matters how they treat you. Currently I work at a Walmart. You would think that Walmart would be the last place to get acceptance, particularly if you know that I walked in there so cautiously. I put male on my forms, dressed androgynously and did my job. We have poorly educated people, Hispanics with poor language skills and attitudes from small countries not known for accepting us, and "holy rollers". A few weeks of correcting people who misgendered me and I was soon accepted as one of the girls, by EVERYONE! I have lots of girlfriends there and people of all those types stop me to talk and treat me warmly as one of their own. I'm no beauty, as my picture attests (that's about the best I've EVER looked) and it doesn't matter. Do I still get misgendered occasionally? Yes, almost every woman does.

Yesterday I was looking for something in the shampoo aisle. A woman near me said, " excuse me, sir, can I get at the shelf behind you?" I stepped aside, smiling and saying "I'm not a 'sir'", something I used to be afraid to say to a customer. She replied, "sorry, GUY." "I'm not a 'guy', either." She looked at me and started gushing apologies, she said she was always doing that. Another woman in the aisle started giggling. We parted on a pleasant, happy note once I got her to stop apologizing.

Sometimes we're not really clocked. Sometimes the other person just isn't really paying attention and makes a wrong assumption. If we stand up for our womanhood (or manhood for our brothers reading this) in a nice way, most people will accept us for who we are. Confidence is Queen!