The tough question

[Ajcanine]

My very close online friend (gender fluid but fitting a more feminine role) has been hinting at leaving his family and almost seemingly seeking approval by me on what to do. They have attempted to come out to their wife and their wife said they would not stay with them and would take their kids. They talk about how unhappy they are in their current situation but I don't know how to respond when they ask whether or not they should leave their wife. I don't want them to be regretful about leaving their wife but I don't want them to live unhappily in the closet for the rest of their lives.

[Dena]

There are several problems with this. Leaving the wife without agreement is abandonment and any decisions reached by the courts would look more favorable on the wife.
Taking the children without an agreement would be considered kidnaping and jail time would be very possible for the party that takes the kids.
Your response if ask should be to discuss it with the wife. If it results in divorce, the court will resolve the issue of the kids and money. There is a possibility the the wife will chose to remain married with your friend allowed to transition when force to make a decision.
In any case, the first thing your friend should do is see a divorce lawyer. The advice will prevent many problems latter on if things get hostile.

I agree they shouldn't live in the closet but they should come out legally or they may end up in jail without the ability to transition. Unfortunately there aren't always happy endings but playing by the rules prevent them from becoming disasters.

[Ajcanine]

There are several problems with this. Leaving the wife without agreement is abandonment and any decisions reached by the courts would look more favorable on the wife.
Taking the children without an agreement would be considered kidnaping and jail time would be very possible for the party that takes the kids.
Your response if ask should be to discuss it with the wife. If it results in divorce, the court will resolve the issue of the kids and money. There is a possibility the the wife will chose to remain married with your friend allowed to transition when force to make a decision.
In any case, the first thing your friend should do is see a divorce lawyer. The advice will prevent many problems latter on if things get hostile.

I agree they shouldn't live in the closet but they should come out legally or they may end up in jail without the ability to transition. Unfortunately there aren't always happy endings but playing by the rules prevent them from becoming disasters.

They make it sound like it is as easy as just "leaving"  they are in the military in California and I'm on the east coast so I don't know the laws but I know that California tends to side with the wife. They are getting out of the military soon so they are really questioning how the rest of their life is going to play out. I don't want them to have an affair on their wife but i don't know how this would play out without them loosing everything

[Dena]

The courts now understand that the husband has rights and children's needs are considered as well. California courts tend to be less biased about transgender issues so that might not enter into the picture. As I said, lawyer first. I don't know the details of the law and a lawyer will provide much better advice.

[Ajcanine]

I will relay this to them. I may delete this thread so they don't know that I posted this. I really care for them but I really don't know what advice to give them. I appreciate your insight and help.

[Ms Grace]

Ultimately they need to make that decision themselves. If I was in your situation I'd say to them that it sounds like they're fishing for directions or approval from you and that you cannot do that for them.