Doubting myself

[Maxym]

Hey,I'm gonna try to keep this as short as possible. I've been having serious doubts about me being FTM. The worst problem is probably looking in the mirror. I have very short hair. I like very much what I see, but my eyes keep unfocusing for some reason(s) when I look directly into my eyes. I am not attracted to guys.

I absolutely love wearing guys' clothes, underwear and stuff, 'he' pronouns, I want every surgery and start T, but sometimes I just start doubting everything and I think that I've pressured myself too much. Maybe I did. Second problem is when somebody or something tells me I'm not trans, just a tomboy or smthing like that, I get angry and it's like my brain was programmed to feel trans or something. I'm very confused. I have days when I have no doubts and days when I would rather die than expierience years of exploring my Gender identity.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Only you can determine the label that fits you but you appear to be transgender. Being unsure of your identity is something pretty common in the early stages of treatment. We have years of social pressure pulling on us from one direction and our internal feeling pulling on us from another direction. Who you are attracted to sexually isn't important, the only thing that's important is who you want to be. If you take the advice that we offer, it will not take years to explore your gender identity. Our gender identity is set before birth and can't be altered so it's only a matter of ignoring what society demands of us and going with what we feel.

Two links I have might provide some help. The first is our Wiki where you will learn the meaning of transgender and the second is "the transition channel" where you will see a therapy session which leans a bit more toward transsexualism. You may also find the FTM and non binary sections of the site interesting. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have and I will do my best to answer them.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Cindy]

Hi Maxym,

Yep the old what gender am I? And what sexuality am I?

These are two separate issues. Gender and Sexuality are to a great degree separate.

OK I'm MtF and I like men. Hence I'm a straight female (who is also married to a straight woman but that's another story).

I have close friends who are attracted to women.

Nothing wrong with that. I have close friends who are asexual, not attracted sexually to anyone. Nothing wrong with that.

What s important is that they are happy in the gender they present as. We have many members who are gender fluid, their gender identity changes or is a complex of being both male and female; this is often referred to as non-binary. There is nothing wrong with that either!


I think you will really benefit, as most of us do, by talking to a good gender therapist. Therapists, or at least good ones, don't tell you anything. They don't diagnose gender (impossible BTW) but they create a space for you to explore your identity. It sounds a bit strange, and I have to admit I was a bit taken aback with the concept. But I have to admit, it sure helped me.

It helps lots of us!

Lovely to have you on the Site!

[Maxym]

Thank you, I'm currently seeing a GT for about 2 and a half months now. It helps me a bit to talk to other people, since it's awkward with my mom right now. On the other hand, what maybe "throws me into hole of misery" is watching other FTMs' videos of how they were very tomboyish as children and stuff, I don't really know why. Sometimes my brain just goes crazy and it makes me nauseous.  And, I'm not sure where to ask- Would a doctor/GT/idk who approve T for a demiboy? Just asking to be sure, because I might be. For like an hour or so of utter terror dealing with the old question "Trans or cis?", I get a feeling I'm no gender at all. Then it stops, usually after I dig in my childhood and memory. Is this normal?
PS: Sorry for my spelling 

[Cindy]

Maxym,

I so sort of know where you are coming from. This is so much more common in MtF but equally in FtM.

We throw ourselves into our gender stereotypes. We try to 'cure' ourselves by being the most male (MtF) or female (FtM) people we can be.

I have special forces soldiers who went into the SAS so they could die rather than accept being female; "I will die heroically and no one will know. My maleness will be celebrated and my family will not be disgraced."

I have FtM in the military here (Australia) flying attack helicopters, why did you go into that. I ask? I'm a man and I can't fly F-15s as I'm seen as female (that has now been changed in Aus) so I took the most aggressive route.

We tend to go overboard with our gender ID.

Why.

Cure? Acceptance?

I don't know.

You are questioning, and I think maybe, what is it you are questioning?

Your gender? Your sexuality? Your purpose? Your right to being human?

All of this is important. But what is important to you?

Sorry for raising silly questions!

Cindy

[Laura_7]

Thank you, I'm currently seeing a GT for about 2 and a half months now. It helps me a bit to talk to other people, since it's awkward with my mom right now. On the other hand, what maybe "throws me into hole of misery" is watching other FTMs' videos of how they were very tomboyish as children and stuff, I don't really know why. Sometimes my brain just goes crazy and it makes me nauseous.  And, I'm not sure where to ask- Would a doctor/GT/idk who approve T for a demiboy? Just asking to be sure, because I might be. For like an hour or so of utter terror dealing with the old question "Trans or cis?", I get a feeling I'm no gender at all. Then it stops, usually after I dig in my childhood and memory. Is this normal?
PS: Sorry for my spelling 

Often people very young feel who they are.

Then someone may come along and tells them they are a girl (or a boy) and people try to adapt.
Often transgender people can kind of read others expectations, and adapt.

Try to get free from expectations.
Try to feel what really brings you joy.

Try some male clothes, and see how they make you feel.
Try a haircut more to your liking, or experiment with hair pins or a photograph with photoshopped changes to hair.

You will feel more and more what it is that you like.
Just listen to your feeling.
There will be phases of doubt.
Just try to remember the feeling of joy.

You can also make moments you can come back to later.
If you are dressed and really like it, try to consciously be in the moment.
You can remember later, and recapture for motivation.

Nobody feels male or female all the time.
its possible to identify as male and have female pastimes, or hobbies.
Gender expression and gender identity are also seperate.


*hugs*

[Dena]

In my case, I understood what I was a age 13 and my life was mapped out from that point. Blame Testosterone for changing my life but before that is what's important to you. I didn't have a clue what my gender identity was. Because everybody told me I was a boy, I believed them and never thought I was a girl. Granted, I was different. I wasn't much good at sports but I blamed my eye sight issues (lack of depth perception) for that one. I mothered the younger kids thinking it was my adult responsibilities for that one. I enjoyed playing with the neighborhood girls saying there weren't any boys to play with (I didn't try very hard to find any). I was relatively passive in my behavior for a boy but that's normal, isn't it?

Don't look to hard at your childhood because it may not be there or like in my case, it took years to understand it. Now you are aware, go with what you understand of yourself now and don't worry about the past. Maybe like me, someday you will be able to fill in the details but they aren't important and haven't changed anything.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Often people very young feel who they are.

Then someone may come along and tells them they are a girl (or a boy) and people try to adapt.
Often transgender people can kind of read others expectations, and adapt.

Try to get free from expectations.
Try to feel what really brings you joy.

Try some male clothes, and see how they make you feel.
Try a haircut more to your liking, or experiment with hair pins or a photograph with photoshopped changes to hair.

You will feel more and more what it is that you like.
Just listen to your feeling.
There will be phases of doubt.
Just try to remember the feeling of joy.

You can also make moments you can come back to later.
If you are dressed and really like it, try to consciously be in the moment.
You can remember later, and recapture for motivation.

Nobody feels male or female all the time.
its possible to identify as male and have female pastimes, or hobbies.
Gender expression and gender identity are also seperate.


*hugs*

Laura, I love what you said. Like Konmari method for gender.

To the OP, what you are experiencing is something known as status anxiety. It feels annihilating. You are comparing your trans journey to others and believe theirs are more perfect and yours isn't good enough. This "keeping up with the Joneses" attitude will only bring you misery in life, trust me. There is a lot of literature on status anxiety, especially with regards to political/mass movements, because people who think they are losing social status can act in very irrational ways. Please don't hate yourself or hurt yourself because of this. There is a way out.