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Coming out at work

Started by Christy76, April 05, 2016, 10:53:11 AM

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Christy76

It's been a while since I posted anything here. In recent months I have reached the point where I can pass in public the majority of the time (though my voice sometimes gives me away) and spend a large portion of my time outside of work living as female. However because I live so close to my place of employment I have had to be aware that I may run into people from work. Once I actually did, though she didn't see me and I quickly turned a corner down the isle of the store and went the other way.

Spending time looking over my shoulder to see if any of my co-workers are around is getting old. On top of that over-time at work has picked up meaning I now spend more and more time at work, the one place that I can't be the real me. So yesterday on my lunch break I went to HR and told them of my trans status. HR told me that they admired my courage in coming forward and that they would work with me so I could transition at work. It will be at least several months before it happens but I'm nervous. For one thing HR admitted they have never dealt with a trans person coming out at work. For another of course my boss will have to be notified and probably in the near future.

I got so nervous I actually called out today something I rarely do. Asking if I'll be at work is like asking if the sun will rise in the morning. I've read articles that say I went about it wrong and articles that say I went about it right so I have no idea if I went about it correctly or not. What will my co-wrorkers think? What will my boss think? Up until now I have had nothing but good reviews but if he is prejudice against trans people that may change. Did I go about it right or wrong? I know if I didn't come forward I would be caught by my co-workers outside or work anyway and that would have been worse. 
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SamanthaNJ

Is there really a wrong way? I guess showing up dressed in your identified gender without any warning would be the wrong way. I feel like you did the right thing by going to HR and started the process. I just feel like its best to be proactive and own the situation so you feel like you can control it.

Congrats on such a huge step!
  • skype:SamanthaNJ?call
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Fresas con Nata

Quote from: Christy76 on April 05, 2016, 10:53:11 AM
What will my co-wrorkers think? What will my boss think? Up until now I have had nothing but good reviews but if he is prejudice against trans people that may change. Did I go about it right or wrong? I know if I didn't come forward I would be caught by my co-workers outside or work anyway and that would have been worse.

I'm still very early in my transition, spending <10% of the time in girl mode, however I'm already thinking long term about coming out at work because that's going for sure to be the most difficult step. To complicate matters more, I'm working for one company at another company's premises (the client), so I have double fun ahead :).

As you say, being caught by your co-workers is probably worse than you telling them. Talking with HR sounds like the correct plan to me. After that, your co-workers may accept you or they may not (most probably there will be some that won't). The chain of bosses, that's where the real challenge lies to me. I think it's enough that one of them is a bit closed-minded to make the job become in danger. But again, if a co-worker recognizes you and tells your boss, you're in a worse situation.
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freebrady2015

Quote from: fresasconnata on April 06, 2016, 02:33:45 PM
I'm still very early in my transition, spending <10% of the time in girl mode, however I'm already thinking long term about coming out at work because that's going for sure to be the most difficult step. To complicate matters more, I'm working for one company at another company's premises (the client), so I have double fun ahead :).

I'm in the same boat, I'm very very early in my transition but I know in the next 3-6 months I will have to come out at work. The line of command for me (boss, his boss, and his boss the CEO) are all right wing leaning and conservative close minded people. I'm lucky that I live in a state with protections so once I come out in theory there is really nothing they can do. I just have to find the courage to tell them. It's also going to be so uncomfortable to possibly have to then use the same bathroom and locker room etc as them...

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cindianna_jones

Christy, you did fine. They have plenty of notice and will have time to prepare. Now you have to work much harder to become an employee so valuable that they can't lay you off. It's sad, but lay offs happen and we manage to get swept under the rug sometimes. Just be aware.
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Fresas con Nata

Quote from: Cindi Jones on April 06, 2016, 02:48:28 PM
Now you have to work much harder to become an employee so valuable that they can't lay you off.

I'm divided on this.

On one hand, it's obvious that this is the case IRL. It would be stupid for them to kick you out if you contribute more than the average employee. It could still happen, of course, but at least you'd have the relief of having done all that you could.

On the other hand, my feminist side cries out DISCRIMINATION! on this. Self-discrimination, which is even worse. Why should I work more hours and/or have to accept a lesser salary? I'm a person above all, equally capable than any other with my skills, independently of the curves of my body or the colour of my skin.
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steyraug96

Quote from: Cindi Jones on April 06, 2016, 02:48:28 PM
Christy, you did fine. They have plenty of notice and will have time to prepare. Now you have to work much harder to become an employee so valuable that they can't lay you off. It's sad, but lay offs happen and we manage to get swept under the rug sometimes. Just be aware.
Hi,
I don't like being contrarian, but - "the cemetery is FULL of irreplaceable men."
We just did layoffs here. Actually hit upper management, I was surprised.
Problem? We're short-staffed as is. Not about too many chiefs, we have too few indians period.  It's a BIG deal - they got rid of people who WORKED. How do you get the work done when the Reduction in Force got rid of those who actually worked...? I mean, our response time went from 5 weeks, soup to nuts, to 6 MONTHS to GET STARTED - and then they did the RIF.
They got rid of the architecture team, basically....  In IT, Architecture are the people who design the network and systems....  We had a grand total of...  2. One chief, one indian, if you will. They got rid of the indian there...  The guy who developed and laid out all our testing systems. Managed the servers for test plans, defects, etc. I'd underscore, the ONLY person who knew them.

If you can make yourself indispensable, that's good. Even better, make yourself liked as well. And make a backup plan. (You should've been doing that, anyway - we live in a castle made on sand, to paraphrase the bible passage. Insecure under the best of circumstances, and that's before we talk Trans.) 

Best of luck - and this is a case where luck is needed. Because a lot of companies these days like to make short-sighted decisions (E.G., outsource your 20 or so IT guys, because Big Blue promises it'll cost less. Keep to the raw numbers, even though issue resolution is now 3-5 times what it was when you had people accountable to the company. With the entire company complaining, decide you'll eventually phase out the contract - over the next 5-10 years.  ???)

-Dianna
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steyraug96

Quote from: fresasconnata on April 07, 2016, 01:34:43 AM
I'm divided on this.

On one hand, it's obvious that this is the case IRL. It would be stupid for them to kick you out if you contribute more than the average employee. It could still happen, of course, but at least you'd have the relief of having done all that you could.

On the other hand, my feminist side cries out DISCRIMINATION! on this. Self-discrimination, which is even worse. Why should I work more hours and/or have to accept a lesser salary? I'm a person above all, equally capable than any other with my skills, independently of the curves of my body or the colour of my skin.

It is not discrimination for the more valuable employee to be paid more.
Being a person grants you the basic rights of self-defense, the right to worship whatever god you wish, and to seek happiness. Nothing about GETTING happiness...  Nor anything about "equal" treatment when compared to someone who works twice as much, twice as hard, or even is just twice as successful getting things done.
Step up and learn those skills. I'd make a lousy manager - so I work with someone who is a good manager. He can't do the technical scheming I can do; can't code as well as I can.
But I can't manage the dates like he can.
I'm paid more, I'm told. Now, do I trust THAT manager? Not really, there's always a reason to appeal to vanity. So he's likely overstating things.
But without BOTH me and my direct manager, this team falls apart.

Since I can come close to my manager's abilities? I can manage the dates for a month, whereas he looks at the technical issues and it'll take him a week just to get his head around it? I'm more valuable, overall. So I get paid more (if we take the other manager's word as true.)
Should the people in India get the same salary as I do?
No - even if they WERE as good as I am. (They're not. But they're indispensable, I'm not knocking them - they don't have the cultural background of an American, nor do they have the additional 20 years in the field.) WILL they be as good as I am? Maybe - depends on what they work to learn and achieve. At that point, they STILL don't deserve my salary - we'd have all the training and effort to get them to that level, and we'd be distorting the Indian economy by pumping in dollars. That defeats the whole purpose of going to lower-cost labor centers. (I'm all for ending offshoring, BTW, no matter how good the guys are. It's the time lag. Make the products they work on run concurrent to their day. Don't share tasks and projects around the globe, everyone is a cog in the machine, all interchangeable - all EQUAL...) 

If you work out the economics - you should be paid what you're worth. Irreplaceable skills means higher pay - IF you negotiate on that basis. If you don't negotiate? It's on you. (That's one of my weak spots...)
If you want time with kids, or time off, or bonuses....? You'll have to give something else up. You can't demand to be paid for 50 hours a week, and only work 40. At the annual review, you'll have those two people move apart (presuming management knows...  We all know of people whose primary strength is shmoozing and being visible - not technical or managerial skills. And they get rewarded for their inadequacy, basically.)

YOU are YOUR brand - now go make that mean something. If you're parallel is K-Mart, expect K-mart wages.  IF you're skills are Neiman-Marcus, you'll command more.
Don't compare yourself against the others - just be the higher brand. The rest will sort itself out. USUALLY...  (See my OTHER post - lots of irreplaceable people getting fired anyway.)

-Dianna
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Asche

FWIW, there are resources for HR departments out there.

A trans man I know, who works for a large, conservative corporation, notified his HR department about 8 months in advance that he would be transitioning.  (He was going to get top surgery, so it was going to be kind of obvious.)  After the usual futzing around, they finally (2-3 months before his surgery) brought in an outside consulting group to provide training and orientation sessions.  (I think they got the name from him.)  It probably didn't hurt that his office and the corporation's HQ are in NYC, so they had the (additional) motivation not to get fined or sued.

I'll probably ask him for details when I transition at work, which I anticipate(*) will happen at the end of 2016, so I plan to talk to HR in early September.

(*) "An-ti-ci-pa-a-tion!  An-ti-ci-pa-a-tion .  Is driving me crazy."
"...  I think I'm great just the way I am, and so are you." -- Jazz Jennings



CPTSD
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steyraug96

Quote from: freebrady2015 on April 06, 2016, 02:43:00 PM
I'm in the same boat, I'm very very early in my transition but I know in the next 3-6 months I will have to come out at work. The line of command for me (boss, his boss, and his boss the CEO) are all right wing leaning and conservative close minded people. I'm lucky that I live in a state with protections so once I come out in theory there is really nothing they can do. I just have to find the courage to tell them. It's also going to be so uncomfortable to possibly have to then use the same bathroom and locker room etc as them...

Lousy, if they are "CONservatives."
Sounds like you're in MA, though, that might help.

Of course, if you're at the same place I am...  Just had layoffs. Valuable people disappear, no warning, no transitions.
This affects us, really, it's not THEIR business. Never understood that whole load about how what WE do affects OTHERS, with a few exceptions. (E.G., suicide affects others too, though we did it to ourselves. But most stuff this argument is used for? E.G., smoking, 20+ oz sodas? MYOB!)

Best of luck!
-Dianna
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