Internal voice and other things that cause doubt.

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I have to admit that I have much doubt about my gender. If you had approached me as a kid and asked me about my gender I would of told you I was a girl on the spot as soon as I understood what you were saying.

But now that I am older and have absorbed male "stuff" as well as using all kinds of complex mechanisms to repress those original feelings I am not so sure.

For starters I seem to think mainly in words. I use lots of "internal voice's" ranging from fictional characters all the way to my own voice.

I defiantly find it more fun to use a male voice. Although sometimes I use a female one. I don't know what this means. Sometimes I feel like I am nit picking to try and find some piece of evidence that I am unquestionably male. It would defiantly fit with my personality. 

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Yeah... I basically caught myself thinking about myself just very recently and "said" he with my internal voice.

When you misgender yourself, there's issues there and I think I need to go back to a TheRapist (for $200 Alex).



In all seriousness, after a lifetime of living and breathing male/testosterone/dude/broseph etc, it can (to some of us) be a fairly large mental hurdle to leap over!

[Kitty June]

Spent my 20's learning all the proper guy stuff.
Perfected it in my 30's.
Midway through my 40's I came to acceptance of being transgender.
Now, how to unlearn all that crap?  That is the hard part. All that repressing of emotions and expression is hard to unlearn.
Add to that the need to be male at work and slooowly transition in front of my conservative boss. They probably think I'm gay, but they know I have a girlfriend so that just confuses things more. Of course my "girlfriend" is actually a trans man.
So yeah. I have trouble with the internal dialogue in my head. Lol

[Denise]

...after a lifetime of living and breathing male/testosterone/dude/broseph etc, it can (to some of us) be a fairly large mental hurdle to leap over!

I have TRIED to live a live of M/T/D/B (see quote) but I was miserable at it.  I can't believe I faked it as well as I have/did for so long. 

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Thanks for the replies!

One of the things I have noticed that from a first person perspective I have a very strong female gender. No seriously I am surprised by how strong and static it is!

But It feels different when I try to imagine myself from the outside or hear my own very male voice.