Coming out once stealth/post-transition

[Ms Grace]

I'm in a situation where I'm stealth (I guess) at work. I think a number of people there have figured out I'm trans simply through their connections with the LGBTIQ community here in Sydney. They've just been too polite to raise it with me. Certainly there have been conversations with them that skirt the issue and could probably be interpreted to mean "hey, I know you're trans and that's cool, feel free to talk to me about it if you want". I just smile politely and move the conversation along. I've gotten so good at acting innocent I wonder if I could beat a lie detector test!!

Anyway, I'm getting sick of all that. I'm in a safe environment, I know I would be treated with respect and I hate hiding away, or at least embellishing the truth about my history or biology.

The problem is I'm feeling some trepidation. Coming out as trans before transition was seemingly easier than the idea of coming out from stealth, or semi-stealth, or whatever it is that I'm in at the moment. It kind of feels like I'd be saying "I've been deceiving you all" even though I know that is not the case.

Sigh. I said to my counsellor that I really resent that this is even a thing, cis people never have to come out as cis.

Anyway, I'm going to bandaid it. Rip, off it comes in one go. I'll tell my closest friend there first. Then tell management and tell them I want to announce it at the end of the staff meeting on Thursday, at least that way I'll get most people in one go. I feel petrified.

Has anyone else come out post transition or from stealth?

[Cindy]

I'm wondering why bother making it a big thing. I don't hide the fact I'm trans but I don't generally advertise it. As new people meet me at work I don't tell them and neither do my staff, but if they find out, well so what?

Stealth for me is a concept of hiding that may or may not be successful, living as your self not caring if people know that you are trans or not is to my mind the final step of self acceptance.

So, in your situation I wouldn't make an announcement either way.

But just my 5 cents.

[Ms Grace]

Since it's not common knowledge (unlike at my previous workplace) I feel there are things I avoid talking about from my life. It's even got to the ridiculous stage when a trans woman from another office tells me she's trans and I just smile and nod politely. I'm just feeling that makes no sense.

[AnonyMs]

I can't say I've any experience, but I imagine once you tell one or two people you won't need to announce it. Perhaps you could just do it informally like that.

I got to say, I feel the oppressive nature of hiding all the time.

[Cindy]

Well maybe talk about the things that are important to you. Maybe when the other trans woman talks you just say 'oh, so am I'.

I suppose what I'm saying is that being trans is just part of our lives, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, it is what we are. I know neither of us are in the slightest ashamed of ourselves, we are proud strong women, I just think that making an announcement may suggest some sort of issue in the workplace that you don't have. People accept you for who you are, if they gradually learn that you are trans and you don't have an issue with it I feel that may be a more positive statement.

But as you know it is your call and you should do what makes you comfortable.

[Dena]

My boss used the grape vine method of spreading information. Give the information to a few and let it spread. Only problem with this system was I wasn't in the grape vine so he had to tell me separately. I only learned about his divorce one day while talking to him and I said something that indicated I was clueless.

In this case, you could admit the truth to the people who know. If it spreads, problem solved. If not, don't worry about it. Not everybody has to know and there is no point in keeping a secret from people who know. 

[stephaniec]

sorry , haven't a clue of how to do it. Never had to, but I like the cake and champagne idea

[AnonyMs]

As a mix of formal and informal you could celebrate an anniversary of transition at work, so its not like you're formally coming out, yet you are making sure everyone knows. You're first or second re-birthday kind of thing.

[Lady_Oracle]

I've never have, the way I handle this post transition life is that I just come out to lovers mainly. I really don't see the point in coming out to anyone else unless I start doing activism or something more in the public eye, where discussing my life story is necessary.

I guess its different for the older folks that have a longer history. I never really have issues talking about my past with anyone really because my adult life started in transition and my teenage years/adolescence was pretty gender neutral in terms of hobbies and things I did. Even then though there are ways to talk about your past without needing to mention the gender you were assigned as.

[suzifrommd]

Has anyone else come out post transition or from stealth?

I did it at my church. We have a section of the service where we share "joys and sorrows" and right before my SRS I shared that I was nervous but I thought I was doing the right thing.

I reasoned that this was my family, since I really didn't have much of one left, and that they would never truly know me without knowing what I'd been through.

I was right. It made me much closer with the people there. I never regretted it.

[Hikari]

Well if it is relevant I mention it lots of people at work think I am a cisgender heterosexual woman when I am in fact a lesbian transwoman but it isn't really a big deal IMO and it is easier just to let people make assumptions till I need them not to. I think the best thing would be not to ask to announce it but, just casually say it.

I think eventually people will see it is a nonissue like being homosexual mostly is no big deal these days

[Stevie]

 
  Best to just keep it on a need to know basis. 

[Obfuskatie]

You could do my thing, I'm going to get a purple butterfly tattoo after getting my SRS. I have another tattoo already, but the purple butterfly is a pretty decent trans-symbol. People generally ask you about visible tattoos anyway, and the simple answer to what does your tattoo mean is: I'm trans and proud.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mariah]

I wouldn't go making an announcement over it. I don't go advertising that I'm trans, but I don't go denying it either. It's totally up to you in the end, but not coming out in the end allows you to share it with who you want rather than broadly sharing with everyone including some you may not want to know.  Hugs
Mariah

[Rejennyrated]

yeah been there seen that done that at least five or six times over the years and absolutely DONT go making it a big announcement and involving HR or any such nonsense as that!

If you do that you are signalling that this is a big thing, and to anyone with a mind to do so, that is all the trigger they may need to make it into an issue and you'll be right back at square one - sure in a a supportive environment you wont be formally discriminated against, but you may find that certain people treat you in an intangibly different way and "something in the air has changed."

The right way to do this - which I have proved by many decades of experience is just to quietly tell those you want to tell when the issue arrises naturally, which it will, and dont tell the others. The rumour mill may do its work, but you may also be surprised to find that it doesnt... I've told a few people in the hospital, but four years on from coming up to med-school the vast majority clearly dont know and probably dont care either.

[Ms Grace]

...you may find that certain people treat you in an intangibly different way and "something in the air has changed."

This is definitely a concern...

Thanks folks, you've given me much to ponder!

[rosinstraya]

Where I work the majority have worked with me for years, so the only time this comes up is with new staff. And, after initially making a thing of letting the new folk know, I tend not to bother now. Whilst it's definitely nobody else's job to out you I suspect questions may well get asked and answered elsewhere. Nobody has asked me straight out.

And I'm happy to talk about my life and what I do. It's all just very normal.

[Emjay]

I'm still in the same job that I came out in so I'm "out" no matter what, for now anyway.

If/when I do change jobs I'm not sure how I'll feel about this, assuming I can pull off stealth at all.  Right now though, I don't think I would want to announce my status.  I'm just me. 

It's possible that my thoughts could change too if I were in a job that I enjoyed going to.  Currently, my job is a means to an end and that's all.  I'm there to work and get paid so I can go about what I really want to do:  Live my life. 

[abd789]

I have found that I now regret making my coming out letter and telling anyone... not because they didnt accept me... but because I now feel I must keep up appearances when I am clearly changing how I feel about trans vs gender fluidity. If I hadnt said anything, I could just roll with my own feelings and not be concerned with the thoughts of those I told. I could have also held my secret of HRT, which no one knows yet, but will certainly figure out soon enough. At the time it seemed the right thing, but in hindsight... Id have kept quiet.

I know this is a bit different, just saying what has happened to me after announcing, I dont think its anyones business and possibly even a annoyance that we must "shout it out"?   Perhaps you could just take it case by case and follow your heart when in a position you feel warrants telling. Just answer honestly if anyone asks or makes assumptions, just tell them and let the info filter out.

I understand what you mean... both sides... its just tough because I now feel some people are treating me different because Im not wearing a dress, wig and heels when they see me.... and Im sure some may treat you different, wether it be good or bad....people are strange creatures and unpredictable... are you ready for that?

[KayXo]

I came out at work in the second week after I was hired just because I felt the only way to truly establish an honest and close relationship with them was to reveal my past instead of always inventing stuff from my past or hiding it. Can become tiresome. So I did. At first, they thought I was going to announce that I was pregnant (flattered but also not flattered, did I look fat??) and when I finally told them the truth, one of my co-workers, a lesbian, explained to the other girls I was a hermaphrodite (I guess she couldn't believe I was born male) so had to correct her and tell them in more explicit terms my situation which was soooooooo awkward for everyone...silence, then scanning me head to toe, it was actually kind of hilarious! Then my boss said there was no reason for me to tell them in the first place, that I shouldn't share this info with the rest of the department so I didn't. This gave me assurance but still glad I told them. I was much more at ease around them after that. So, definitely worth it! Except that I suddenly experienced an inferiority complex re: others. Helped strengthen my bond with two girls, not my boss. I later quit that job.

Would I have done the same knowing what I know now? Maybe but perhaps taken more time before revealing this.