It's been quite a while since I last visited these forums, and a lot has changed for me in that time. I suppose I just wanted to return with a message of hope for those feeling down, or who are struggling at the moment.
I'll start by saying this: It gets better. Oh my god, does it get better. It's about as cliché a statement as could be made, but I swear from personal experience that it's true.
Some perspective from my own experience.
Last year my life was a total and complete mess. If you had asked me even 4 months ago what future I saw for myself, I would have told you I expected to be six feet under in a plywood box, leaving a family to mourn a final selfish act.
See last year I was entirely closeted. I lived in a family that was deeply religious, conservative, and openly anti-LGBT. I worked for a church based organization that would have fired me had they known I wanted to transition. I was invested in a church and volunteering organization that would have seen me removed from all aspects of leadership for the same reasons. I was so without hope of ever transitioning that I found myself in a depression so utterly crushing that I was hospitalized in suicide watch on more than one occasion.
And now... Well now I'm living a life I couldn't have even imagined less than 4 months ago. Now I'm completely out to my entire family and friends (some of whom surprised me in their kindness). I've been living full time for more than two months. I'm working a job that is fully supportive of my transition. I've finally started HRT. I'm regularly seeing a gender therapist. And most significantly, the relief of much of my stress has brought my depression entirely under control.
Now don't get me wrong. By no means am I saying one day everything is just going to change for you and you'll find happiness. I mean, I still have my down days, and lord knows I'm on a budget so tight housing is regularly a monthly hope rather than a guarantee. But you know what? In spite of that I'm happy in the small things that have allowed me to finally be myself.
What I'm trying to get at is this: both life and transition are a series of small steps. From where you're at, the future might seem completely devoid of hope. But each step you take is one more towards something so much better than where you currently are, even if you can't see it in the moment.
So even if you find yourself in one of life's deep valleys, carrying a pack of burdens so heavy you feel as if you will be crushed, just know that each step you take is one step closer to the hilltop. And should ever that pack of burden become too heavy to bear, there are a plethora of warm, kind-hearted individuals here at Susan's who are more than happy to lend an ear to hear, a sounding board for advice, or even just a shoulder for comfort, and you can always count me among them.
Much love to all,
Felicity
