There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[JoanneB]

I am really afraid of what this is doing to my wife, but I agree with what many of you had said that she does not want to see me in distress. I know for a fact that seeing me in distress upsets her. I hope she can still see me for who I am on the inside. I don't wang to lose her, I would be devastated.
Jayne

PS: thank you for persisting with me. I knew eventually the penny would drop!

My wife and I have a lot in common. One of the traits we share is putting the others happiness and well-being above our own. On the same line, being really bad about taking care of ourselves.

I cannot begin to tell you how much it tears her apart to see me crying. Even more so when it is a totally gut-wrenching cry as we muddle our way through one of the difficult to have conversations we need to. She is a bit more stoic. Make that a LOT more. She hardly cries so when she does.....

Another trait we share is how much we love the other. So much so we cannot possibly even think of impeding the others happiness. Especially, as my wife knows the statistics all too well, what the odds are of finding me swinging on the end of a rope from a rafter in the garage.

This will be distressing for you both. The difficult open and honest conversations make it better in the long run. Made all the more difficult because you cannot say with absolute certitude what your plans for the future are.

Guess what? Seven years in for me I still have no absolute "Picture". All I know is I know where my true Joy(s) lie and work hard to keep everything that matters to me in some sort of balance. And... For about the first time in my life, actually caring and worrying about me.

[autumn08]

I'm so happy for you! 

Please remember how this moment feels, and how you felt before and the unnecessary suffering it created, so when you lose confidence in yourself, you feel overwhelmed, you feel ashamed, and don't know where to go, you will be able to distinguish which direction is north.

[The Saint]

I guess it's time to get rid of all the mirrors except one for the wife 

But in all seriousness it's very good to hear you are finally understanding and accepting who you really are!

[Gendermutt]

You want to take the trans test?  here it is. One question. Multiple choice. Am I transgender? 
A. definitely
B. probably
C. Maybe
D. Not likely
E. No
Any answer that isn't E, you are transgender lol
Keira said it better than I ever could. I agree very much with the way she is thinking about this. It is as if she took the words I was thinking and put them down so eloquently. I have not much else to offer other than-

Try not to stress yourself out about it. Whatever else happens from here on in is for you to improve your life. It may be nothing more than a simple acceptance of you being gender variant. How transgender might you be? There is only what makes you happy, or content, or even just being able to function to your personal best level. I am a better father after my acceptance of being transgender. I have been able to stay sober now for almost a year, with the help of my acceptance of being transgender. I am more level headed, my thinking is more clear. I have a calmness about myself I never had prior to my acceptance of being transgender. Crossdressing, shaving, tweezing, or longish nails alone does not give me that. My acceptance does. That which I do is just a way to express myself. I do not need it to thrive, but I did need acceptance to. I have no set goals to further feminize myself. I am not saying I will or won't. I do look forward to continuing my own path of acceptance, and all the good that comes from it.

[LizK]

I have been able to stay sober now for almost a year, with the help of my acceptance of being transgender. I am more level headed, my thinking is more clear. I have a calmness about myself I never had prior to my acceptance of being transgender. ....

Congratulations that first year can be a tough one...

[Ms Grace]

...thank you for persisting with me. I knew eventually the penny would drop!

Congrats on the breakthrough! I figured you'd get there eventually. Generally speaking, cis people usually don't sign up to a trans support site to question their gender, they certainly don't spend 13+ pages ruminating on the issue!

[SadieBlake]

Jayne, good for you! I look forward to hearing how things progress. You might want to read some about transgender, I'm working on "Whipping Girl" by Julia Serano, highly recommend it. The Google books preview includes about 100pp of excellent writing, I imagine the Amazon preview is also long enough to get into the meat of the subject.

[Rejennyrated]

this reply from rejennyrated got me thinking.

Reading the above post got me wondering what would I really think if I was told I'm not trans. On the surface, that sounds like the perfect outcome. However, in reality it may not be an accurate diagnosis. The idea of not being trans and perhaps never speaking of it again actually made me feel like I would be destroying part of myself.

Glad that you are making progress now...

Sometimes one has to face the opposite to realise the truth.

Without giving away any trade secrets its actually a standard psychological technique... if you want a patient to realise how the feel about something you pretend to doubt it - a point to maybe recall when you feel your counsellor or shrink is being "difficult and disbelieving." Sometimes we are, and sometimes we just want you to realise what you really do feel.

I do hope you can now move forward. :-)

[jayne01]

Congrats on the breakthrough! I figured you'd get there eventually. Generally speaking, cis people usually don't sign up to a trans support site to question their gender, they certainly don't spend 13+ pages ruminating on the issue!

What can I say. Sometimes for someone who is supposed to be quite smart, I can be slow to catch on

[jayne01]

Thanks SadieBlake. I will keep posting here as things progress. I hope I don't go backwards in my thinking and my level of acceptance. It's possible I will go backwards. As long as I make more forward progress than backwards, then I'm ok with that. I don't expect full acceptance to just happen like flicking a switch. I'll also check that book out.

Rejennyrated, thanks for your help. Interesting what you say about facing the opposite to realise the truth. My wife and I actually do that all the time about  very minor things, like choosing between a couple options for dinner. One of us randomly picks something and if the other person's first reaction is disappointment, then we go with the other choice. It's actually more of s silly game, but I suppose the concept is the same as what you are saying.

[LizK]

Hi Jayne

I have followed this thread for awhile now and its good to hear you have reached a level of acceptance. What you describe feeling sounds a bit like me 12 months ago. I would have done anything not to be trans...until I got brutally honest with myself and what I really wanted...deep down...in my secret heart. That is the place I knew I was trans long before I could verbalise it. All these years of being banged into male mode made it difficult to come to terms with these feelings but I am now just starting to really embrace them....and I might add with some real pleasure. I really hope things work out for you.

Liz K

[Gendermutt]

Jayne, I can relate so much to how you you have been thinking, and feeling. Otherwise I wouldn't have followed this thread or posted on it frequently. I can almost guarantee you that you will have moments where you will be thinking wait a minute, maybe it was a case of pink fog, and I am not really so trans.... or that you will feel ok, so yeah, I have these moments, but Nothing I can't basically just set aside as I have always done. You will likely have moments now with a coming acceptance that hmm, maybe I should really go for this. I say coming. You have taken the very 1st step. It is a huge step, probably your biggest really, but it is ONLY the 1st step of countless. Not because you have to actually do this, or be that. I am only talking of your own acceptance.

3 and a half years into my own acceptance, and I still have WTF am I doing moments. Not many, not nearly as strong, but I still have them. Moments where my everyday life is going along and I am enjoying the moment. With my kids, my wife, on vacation.... In the beginning, it is hard to think of anything else. I remember after revealing to my wife, omg, I don't know if there was a waking moment for a month where trans wasn't running at least in the background somehow. But now, eh, life is life. Those moments I just mentioned. I often now just focus on what is in front of me again. It is when I come on these forums is when I am most deeply thinking about it all. Now, rather than always running rampant through my brain, I am allowing my being transgender to just allow me a more authentic version of myself.

Since I am not on a road to transition or planning on it, sure, during those times I mentioned, (and others) My male side is still taking the lead role in my life. My femininity is definitely a big part of my inner core. I find ways of getting her involved, if only in subtle ways sometimes. But that for me is what allows me to still be accepting of myself, to still be authentic.

What I am conveying with all of this, is that by being transgender, does not mean you have to uproot your entire life as it has been. I am not suggesting you do or don't. Through the internet, I know of someone who is identifying as TS, but is choosing to live her life as a male for her own personal reasons. I also know of someone who cross dresses to a full transformation, goes out in public frequently and has no female identity whatsoever. Male pronouns all the way, just a dude in a dress. I have a friend who at the time I was coming to terms with myself was just a closet cross dresser, like me at the time, not ready to consider herself trans. Now, she has transitioned fully, GRS, the whole 9 yards and is now a local leader and runs trans groups, and helps many in crisis. Go easy on yourself. Allow for all options. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself to go with whatever you are feeling at any particular moment. I have many moments where it is just me, as I was born. I still enjoy those moments as much as when I am allowing my femininity to flow freely.

[jayne01]

Jayne, I can relate so much to how you you have been thinking, and feeling. Otherwise I wouldn't have followed this thread or posted on it frequently.

It has really helped, so thank you.

I can almost guarantee you that you will have moments where you will be thinking wait a minute, maybe it was a case of pink fog, and I am not really so trans.... or that you will feel ok, so yeah, I have these moments, but Nothing I can't basically just set aside as I have always done. You will likely have moments now with a coming acceptance that hmm, maybe I should really go for this. I say coming. You have taken the very 1st step. It is a huge step, probably your biggest really, but it is ONLY the 1st step of countless. Not because you have to actually do this, or be that. I am only talking of your own acceptance.

I am almost certain that I will start doubting myself again. I have been through this "acceptance phase" a couple of times before. Each time it has lasted about a week followed by a big meltdown and then massive denial. It seems a little different this time. Time will tell. Hopefully each time I eliminate some more possibilities that I am not trans. I keep having a Sherlock Holmes quote come to mind:
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
Sooner or later I will have eliminated all impossibilities and I would be left with the truth. Hopefully I'm getting closer to that, because I am really starting to get tired of going round in circles

I remember after revealing to my wife, omg, I don't know if there was a waking moment for a month where trans wasn't running at least in the background somehow.

Just one month eh?? I have been the same, except I am up to around 10-11 months now. It is really quite exhausting and gets in the way of enjoying life. Thinking about one thing 24/7 for week after week, month after month cannot be good for you. Not that I am deliberately thinking about it. It is just there, invading my every conscious moment. I would love to find the OFF switch

Jayne

[Gendermutt]

Not necessarily an off switch, more like just blending it into everyday life.

[jayne01]

I think I'm starting to understand why I have such trouble with acceptance.  It is already starting to wear off after only a few days.

The problem is every time I start accepting myself as trans, I start to get this feeling of emptiness inside me, like something is missing. I don't like that feeling and don't know how to make it go away. It is easier to deal with the anger and frustration of trying to convince myself that I'm not trans at all. It is all a viscous cycle.

[JoanneB]

I think I'm starting to understand why I have such trouble with acceptance.  It is already starting to wear off after only a few days.

The problem is every time I start accepting myself as trans, I start to get this feeling of emptiness inside me, like something is missing. I don't like that feeling and don't know how to make it go away. It is easier to deal with the anger and frustration of trying to convince myself that I'm not trans at all. It is all a viscous cycle.

For me it has always (as in nearly 50 years worth) of internalized transphobia, fear, Shame & Guilt. There just has to be SOME other answer... if not, I'll just beat it down once more. Hell, it worked before, right?

[Gendermutt]

I think perhaps you are equating trans to taking things away from your life, rather than to integrating it into your life. Trans isn't a thing. It is simply a way of being. We all compromise in life in one way or another sure, Maybe some day you will feel you need a full gender re alignment. But at least for now, you should just be working on accepting gender variance. There are a lot of sub forums on this board that are not about making a full transition, but of living in balance and integrating your life. In time you will have a better understanding of what is best for you. Regardless if it is more of a transition or of balance, acceptance is the key to either being successful.

[autumn08]

What is happening is that in the past, you've conflated your wanting to be female, with your not wanting to want to be female, so you can use that conflation to protect yourself from your conflation of accepting yourself as transgender and taking drastic action. Therefore, even though you've been able to remove the first conflation, you've never been able to remove the second conflation, and until you do, you will always return to the first conflation, or a different misconception in order to protect yourself.

In other words, you're overwhelmed, but you need to be brave, weigh your options, construct a new compromise and until you break your old habits, actively navigate yourself along a new path. This will take some willpower at first, but it's the best option for both you and your wife, as living with the first conflation is both caused by and produces a destructive self-hatred (internalized-transphobia), so have conviction, break your vicious cycle and stop suffering needlessly.

P.S. When I read your reply #279, I thought, "could this be evidence that you're one of the transgender individuals who are suffering as a result of their testosterone level?" I've read of many transgender individuals who claim lowering their testosterone in itself brings them pleasure and I've also read that long distance running lowers your testosterone level. Hormone levels aren't the only cause of the discomfort transgender individuals experience, but at least for some, it may be one of the causes.

Alternatively, it could have just been your endorphins and your exhaustion that facilitated your acceptance, but since we can't be sure, it's another reason why experimenting with low-dose HRT would be beneficial.

[Deborah]

Long distance running can reduce T but only if you are training excessively for a really long time without any rest.

In my case it lowered it by 30% but it took over two years where I was running ten or more miles per day until I had entered a state of acute exhaustion.  Even then it was still well over 500.  It did reduce dysphoria a bit for a time but that was probably mostly from just crashing my endocrine system and multiple other injuries I trained through as much as anything else.

I don't think this is really a viable way to reduce dysphoria over the long term.


Sapere Aude

[autumn08]

Long distance running can reduce T but only if you are training excessively for a really long time without any rest.

In my case it lowered it by 30% but it took over two years where I was running ten or more miles per day until I had entered a state of acute exhaustion.  Even then it was still well over 500.  It did reduce dysphoria a bit for a time but that was probably mostly from just crashing my endocrine system and multiple other injuries I trained through as much as anything else.

I don't think this is really a viable way to reduce dysphoria over the long term.


Sapere Aude

You're right. I read the beginning of Jayne's post again and she ran 10.5 kilometers (6.5 miles), which I'm sure she can run in under 2 hours. Testosterone is suppressed after over 2 hours of running, or 40 miles of running per week.

Also, I entirely agree that running isn't a viable way to reduce dysphoria over the long term.