There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[jayne01]

I am learning all kinds of things on this forum. I have never consulted a dictionary so frequently as I have in the past few weeks on this forum. Also, I never heard of Occam's Razor until now. So besides helping me with all the trans stuff, thank you for just improving my vocabulary and general knowledge.

[autumn08]

Yes, I do feel much better. I am being careful and trying not to think too far ahead into the future and just go day to day for the moment. I think that may have been my downfall with past attempts at trying to accept myself. I would end up thinking of endless scenarios of how being trans would ruin my life that I ended back up in full denial. This time, I am making an effort to keep a very short leash on my brain. I really want to make it more than a week without going into denial. A week is the longest I have ever gone. If I make it past the week, then I will be more confident to give myself permission to just be happy being me.

I am going to try wearing women's clothes again, but nothing too girly. My wife is helping me pick out some women's jeans and yesterday we picked out a nice top for me to wear. I am probably only one size bigger than my wife, and she told me I can try her jeans on to get an idea about sizing. Yesterday we also bought a necklace for me to wear. It is only simple, and any guy could get away with wearing it, but it's a big deal for me. The only jewellery I have ever worn is my wedding ring. My wife said that I should get some kind of pendant to hang off the necklace. We are going to have a look today. I am so incredibly lucky to be married to such an incredible person. She loves "me!", and doesn't care what packaging I come wrapped in. Words cannot express how deeply I love my wife.

It feels really good to start accepting that I am who I am and not trying to beat myself up over it. I won't start celebrating yet, until I at least get past that one week mark. Baby steps.....

Great job, Jayne! Your current acceptance seems more fortified and less euphoric than prior ones, so I think your regressions might now be less severe. Just in case, though, take this opportunity to join a support group, so you can gain even more reinforcement.

Let us know when you pass the one week mark. Good luck! 

[jayne01]

Let us know when you pass the one week mark. Good luck! 

Will do. Thank you for all your support so far. I have not been very receptive to all your comments in the past, but I guess it's a process I need to go through, right?

I know one week is not very long, but if I make it one week, then I can make it two weeks, then maybe a month and who knows, it might even become permanent. I'll just focus on one week for now...

[autumn08]

Will do. Thank you for all your support so far. I have not been very receptive to all your comments in the past, but I guess it's a process I need to go through, right?

I know one week is not very long, but if I make it one week, then I can make it two weeks, then maybe a month and who knows, it might even become permanent. I'll just focus on one week for now...

Don't worry about it. To support you through your process, I tried to be as lucid as I could, but I didn't expect to give you more than a little clarity, as I know I can be opaque and I felt you needed the addition of an influence outside of this forum, before you accepted yourself.

Great job creating manageable steps. I'm really happy for you, Jayne.

[Gendermutt]

Jayne, if it helps, Men and women are more alike than not, really. We both breathe the same air, both have arms and legs, hands. We eat the same kind of food, speak the same lanquage, (sorta lol) Other than anatomy, women and men, the difference is really a series of nuances. It is just that we who are TG line up better with that which is opposite our birth gender. When we let go, and allow ourselves to be who we are lined up with, life indeed is more tolerable.

[jayne01]

My wife and I went shopping over the weekend to get me some clothes. I wanted to try women's clothes again. This time I tried for something much less feminine and more appropriate for my age and body. We bought some women's jeans and some tops. I liked the way they looked and I actually did feel kind of good wearing them. I even managed to take some things to the fitting rooms to try them on before buying. The stores we went to catered to both men and women, so it wasn't so bad at all. We also bought a simple chain necklace for me, and my wife suggested it would look better if it had a pendant, so we also bought a pendant. When we got home she gave me a charm off one of her charm bracelets to also hang from my necklace. She had charms that were the initials of our names. She kept my initial on her bracelet and gave me her initial for my necklace. That made me so happy.

The next day I was home all day, so I wore my new clothes at home. The car needed some fuel, so we both went for a drive to the service station to fill up. I didn't bother changing, I wore my new clothes out, filled the car up with fuel and went into the shop to pay. I passed some other customers along the way and briefly spoke with the attendant behind the counter. I was a little nervous, but not as much as I thought I would be. I kept reminding myself that most people on earth probably can't tell the difference between men's and women's jeans, and the top I was wearing wasn't overly feminine. If someone stopped and looked at me, they could tell it was a lady's top, but nobody stopped, and people are too caught up in their own lives to really care what clothes others are wearing. It felt good. For the first time in my life I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to just be me.

I see my therapist again on Friday which will also be one week and one day since my latest attempt at acceptance. I would like to wear my new clothes to the session. That involves a train ride and about a 5 minute walk from the train station.

I really want to make it past this imaginary one week barrier I have created in my mind. I think I can do it. Everything feels different now compared to my previous attempts. It feels more like a genuine feeling of acceptance rather than me just saying the words and hoping I start believing them. I have deliberately avoided saying the words "I am transgender". Instead I think I might be learning to listen to and understand my feelings. It is vary scary because this is all unchartered territory for me. It does, however, feel good to let the real me out of prison.

I'm at work today wearing my work uniform. I am looking forward to getting home and changing into my new clothes. I am wearing my necklace at work, it is under my shirt so nobody can see it, but I know it's there. It is kind of a big step for me, because I never, ever wear any jewellery other than my wedding ring. And I don't even wear my wedding ring at work for safety reasons.

My wife tells me that this is just part of who I am and that I am a package deal........and she still loves me and wants to be with me! That has given me so much joy! She makes me so incredibly happy. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Anyway, I thought I would post something positive instead of my usual negative rants I tend to go into.

[Sno]

For the first time in my life I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to just be me.

Take that feeling, remember it when youre trying something new. Just from looking at your post, you are obviously feeling good about it.

I see my therapist again on Friday which will also be one week and one day since my latest attempt at acceptance. I would like to wear my new clothes to the session. That involves a train ride and about a 5 minute walk from the train station

And the walk will be fine, I'm sure you can do it.

It does, however, feel good to let the real me out.

Yay!

Sno

[autumn08]

Thank you for sharing, Jayne. You're doing great! 

What prevented me from acknowledging my feminine side for 21 years and sometimes still makes me feel awkward, was not being accustomed to doing things directly for myself, so I'm envious that you married Melanie Wilkes (Gone with the Wind), with whom you can share your happiness.

[Marienz]

My wife and I went shopping over the weekend to get me some clothes. I wanted to try women's clothes again. This time I tried for something much less feminine and more appropriate for my age and body. We bought some women's jeans and some tops. I liked the way they looked and I actually did feel kind of good wearing them. I even managed to take some things to the fitting rooms to try them on before buying. The stores we went to catered to both men and women, so it wasn't so bad at all. We also bought a simple chain necklace for me, and my wife suggested it would look better if it had a pendant, so we also bought a pendant. When we got home she gave me a charm off one of her charm bracelets to also hang from my necklace. She had charms that were the initials of our names. She kept my initial on her bracelet and gave me her initial for my necklace. That made me so happy.

The next day I was home all day, so I wore my new clothes at home. The car needed some fuel, so we both went for a drive to the service station to fill up. I didn't bother changing, I wore my new clothes out, filled the car up with fuel and went into the shop to pay. I passed some other customers along the way and briefly spoke with the attendant behind the counter. I was a little nervous, but not as much as I thought I would be. I kept reminding myself that most people on earth probably can't tell the difference between men's and women's jeans, and the top I was wearing wasn't overly feminine. If someone stopped and looked at me, they could tell it was a lady's top, but nobody stopped, and people are too caught up in their own lives to really care what clothes others are wearing. It felt good. For the first time in my life I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to just be me.

I see my therapist again on Friday which will also be one week and one day since my latest attempt at acceptance. I would like to wear my new clothes to the session. That involves a train ride and about a 5 minute walk from the train station.

I really want to make it past this imaginary one week barrier I have created in my mind. I think I can do it. Everything feels different now compared to my previous attempts. It feels more like a genuine feeling of acceptance rather than me just saying the words and hoping I start believing them. I have deliberately avoided saying the words "I am transgender". Instead I think I might be learning to listen to and understand my feelings. It is vary scary because this is all unchartered territory for me. It does, however, feel good to let the real me out of prison.

I'm at work today wearing my work uniform. I am looking forward to getting home and changing into my new clothes. I am wearing my necklace at work, it is under my shirt so nobody can see it, but I know it's there. It is kind of a big step for me, because I never, ever wear any jewellery other than my wedding ring. And I don't even wear my wedding ring at work for safety reasons.

My wife tells me that this is just part of who I am and that I am a package deal........and she still loves me and wants to be with me! That has given me so much joy! She makes me so incredibly happy. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Anyway, I thought I would post something positive instead of my usual negative rants I tend to go into.

Hi you're doing great...really proud of you:)


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[LizK]

...For the first time in my life I got a glimpse of what it might feel like to just be me.

That is exactly what we are all aiming at...just that simple sentence sums it up beautifully....I do not wear any mens clothing at all but if you looked at me in the street you probably would notice "something" in the way I was dressed but by the time I am out of view they are thinking about having pork chops for tea or where the next vcoffe break is due....good on you!!!

Liz

[jayne01]

Thank you for all the encouragement. There have been several times where I wanted to revert back and argue with myself and just think WTF?!?! I have resisted going back down that path. There are no lights on that road, it is very dark. When I start feeling doubts, I remind myself that now I am feeling happy, and when I go down the dark road o don't feel happy, so I must be on the right track. I am trusting that with time, these doubts I keep having will come less frequently and it will be easier to just be me day to day. I am also quite stubborn. I am determined to make it past this silly one week goal I have created. Once I do that, then I can start to relax a little. That is my hope anyway.

[jayne01]

I am struggling a bit. I'm starting to think this is all going to be too hard and it is just easier to continue being same old male me. I am resisting going down that road. I still believe that my true happiness is accepting I am trans and to let myself be free to be me. It is not easy. I read some posts on here where people ask questions on how to do this or that just to be able to fit in the world. Questions that cis people never need to ask because they don't need to. It's another reminder for me the struggle trans people go through just to exist and be accepted in the world. It can all get quite overwhelming at times.

I find lately that I am starting to see the world differently. While driving earlier today, I was noticing some other 4wd vehicles and SUV's that I liked. But rather than admiring the car and getting ideas of what I may be able to change on my 4wd, I started thinking that I will just be happy to find a way to be happy living being me and have my wife by my side. All my toys and gadgets do not seem to be as important anymore. Being me seems to be more important and give me more fulfilment.

It is very difficult to let go of what I have known my whole life and to let myself be free to just be me.

I did go out in public again today to bring some lunch home for my wife and I and I wore my new girl clothes. It's another example of what I was trying to describe above. Most people don't give a second thought to what they are wearing doing day to day activities. Even though I had a small amount of anxiety, I was ok walking in public, but what I was wearing and what other people may think was pretty much on my mind the whole time. I had to keep reminding myself to just act natural like I have my whole life and I won't draw any attention to myself, and that people don't really care what other people are doing.

I write on this forum as a kind of diary. I find it helps me to write this stuff down, and maybe others may benefit from reading this thread. I don't expect replies to all of my posts, although your comments are always welcome.

Jayne

[Sno]

I like to think that we are fortunate to have been born explorers. Our daily life is asking those questions that people don't ask, or having to think about things that others take for granted. 

Take each day on its own merits, and you can do this.

Sno

[Deborah]

What I wear seems to be similar to what you wear and I used to worry a lot too.  However, in over a year either nobody has noticed or they don't care.  Nobody has ever said anything amiss and everyone is friendly, maybe more friendly than before.  So if it makes you feel better, don't let unfounded fears throw you back into the dark place.


Sapere Aude

[Emileeeee]

I think we all go through those emotions along the way. Even when I was already started my transition, I was still having thoughts about all the stuff I couldn't do by doing the transition, like swimming, school events for the kids, etc. I guess I started my transition while still being ashamed and feeling like choosing this route meant I'd have to give all those things up. Hint, I didn't.

The road is difficult, but when you have a taste of happiness that you've never known, the difficulty no longer stands a chance. You instead start weighing happiness vs unhappiness and next thing you know, you're living as yourself. But it does take a few iterations of the 20 seconds of courage thing to get past some of the fear.

[LizK]

Jane, My wife does not care what I wear at all...but do I still on occasion mentally beat myself up...of course...but I have a long way to go and there is no first prize...take your time and try and enjoy it...

You really are doing OK

Liz

[jayne01]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I should clarify, I wasn't really worried about what I was wearing. I was certainly conscious of my clothes, mainly because I knew that they were women's clothes, but I didn't let it bother me. What I was trying to say in my last post was that I was noticing some of the things that most people take for granted but for trans people (especially those early in their discovery) these little things can be quite significant. Not necessarily a bad thing, just different.

Emileeeee, I agree with what you say about having a taste of happiness. Never in my life have I been happy with my clothes, or unhappy for that matter. They were just clothes that served a purpose. Now I really like my clothes, and it's only jeans and a top, but I like them a lot. Little things!!!

I am even starting to think myself fortunate in being able to experience the world as a man and there may be a time in the future where I might be a woman. The future is a great unknown, but that is what makes it interesting.

[Gertrude]

I am struggling a bit. I'm starting to think this is all going to be too hard and it is just easier to continue being same old male me. I am resisting going down that road. I still believe that my true happiness is accepting I am trans and to let myself be free to be me. It is not easy. I read some posts on here where people ask questions on how to do this or that just to be able to fit in the world. Questions that cis people never need to ask because they don't need to. It's another reminder for me the struggle trans people go through just to exist and be accepted in the world. It can all get quite overwhelming at times.

I find lately that I am starting to see the world differently. While driving earlier today, I was noticing some other 4wd vehicles and SUV's that I liked. But rather than admiring the car and getting ideas of what I may be able to change on my 4wd, I started thinking that I will just be happy to find a way to be happy living being me and have my wife by my side. All my toys and gadgets do not seem to be as important anymore. Being me seems to be more important and give me more fulfilment.

It is very difficult to let go of what I have known my whole life and to let myself be free to just be me.

I did go out in public again today to bring some lunch home for my wife and I and I wore my new girl clothes. It's another example of what I was trying to describe above. Most people don't give a second thought to what they are wearing doing day to day activities. Even though I had a small amount of anxiety, I was ok walking in public, but what I was wearing and what other people may think was pretty much on my mind the whole time. I had to keep reminding myself to just act natural like I have my whole life and I won't draw any attention to myself, and that people don't really care what other people are doing.

I write on this forum as a kind of diary. I find it helps me to write this stuff down, and maybe others may benefit from reading this thread. I don't expect replies to all of my posts, although your comments are always welcome.

Jayne

I feel like that in regards to my wife and interests too. I think being accepted by those we love most is what's important to us and we, afraid of not being accepted and losing love and part of ourselves. It sounds like your wife is atypical in a good way. Mine was when I married her but after 21 years and my wanting to go further she's drawn a line in the sand. You've just started and seem further ahead. Good for you. Just let what makes you happy guide you no matter the risk . I wish I had the courage to.


Sent from my iPhone, inspected and certified by the NSA

[jayne01]

I'm feeling very restless. I must check my emails and on this forum for new posts 1000 times a day. I really don't know what to do with myself. I have this new acceptance of myself (which I am happy to say has not left me yet) and I don't know what I should do. It's like I have just been dropped right in the middle of a big unknown city and don't know which direction I should start walking, so I'm just spinning around in circles in one spot. Is this normal behaviour when you first learn to really accept yourself for who you are?

[Gertrude]

I'm feeling very restless. I must check my emails and on this forum for new posts 1000 times a day. I really don't know what to do with myself. I have this new acceptance of myself (which I am happy to say has not left me yet) and I don't know what I should do. It's like I have just been dropped right in the middle of a big unknown city and don't know which direction I should start walking, so I'm just spinning around in circles in one spot. Is this normal behaviour when you first learn to really accept yourself for who you are?

I think so. You probably will want to express yourself more, meaning going out in the world. Just explore.