Too vain to transition

[Lolz99]

I feel like I'm attractive as a male. While I don't want to be male I don't want to be an ugly non-passable trans woman. I don't want to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. I'm a normal person who probably will never have tens of thousands of pounds to spend on cosmetic surgery so FFS is out of the question. I really don't know what to do.

[Dena]

Some attractive males are attractive because they have feminine faces which transition well. Other than that, it comes down to two options. Remaining a male but using HRT to reduce the dysphoria or transitioning to have peace of mind. You might want to look at the before and after thread because not everybody has FFS. I was one who didn't but then I wasn't concerned about being attractive after transitioning.

Until you start working with hair and makeup, it's not clear what you will look like. HRT will reshape your face and soften it making it more passable. I can't promise you anything other than if you remain the same, you will continue to feel uncomfortable.

[suzifrommd]

I had a similar issue. I went from being a pretty good looking male to being a very plain looking female. I haven't had much dating success in my new form.

I still think it's been more than worth it. The opportunity to be myself is priceless.

[Lolz99]

I had a similar issue. I went from being a pretty good looking male to being a very plain looking female. I haven't had much dating success in my new form.

I still think it's been more than worth it. The opportunity to be myself is priceless.

Plain or not, do you pass as a woman? I wouldn't care about looking plain as long as I were passable

[suzifrommd]

Plain or not, do you pass as a woman? I wouldn't care about looking plain as long as I were passable

Yes. I pass quite well. Most people don't give me a second glance, even when they're with their kids in the ladies' room.

I never thought I could pass. I'm kind of oafish and uncoordinated and I have a high receding forehead. But a wig with bangs does the trick, and apparently despite my lack of grace, all of my male mannerisms just melted away.

[cheryl reeves]

I pass more as a female then male,the only way I can pass as male is facial hair. Right now I'm sitting here cooking in my fav house skirt and top,with a mustache and goatee and I am comfortable.

[Lady_Oracle]

I'm of the opinion if you're hot prehrt, you'll be hot on hrt. Hrt can make a person more attractive but I think thats just cause a lot of us finally find some happiness with ourselves after years of torment so it shows.

[stephaniec]

To me it's a balance of sanity. If I didn't transition the pain of insanity would overtake and kill me.

[Ms Grace]

Lolz, transition is about more than passing. There are plenty of trans women who pass but don't believe they do, there are women who probably don't but don't care - who do you think are the ones who feel happier about themselves and their transition? If you obsess about your appearance in this process you undermine yourself. If you feel you want to live as a woman you'll find that is a hurdle many of us have had to deal with.

I'm of the opinion if you're hot prehrt, you'll be hot on hrt. Hrt can make a person more attractive but I think thats just cause a lot of us finally find some happiness with ourselves after years of torment so it shows.

I consider that I was average to below average looking as a dude. Somehow managed to get myself to reasonable looking as a gal, but it did take some doing.

[KelliHu]

Lolz, transition is about more than passing. There are plenty of trans women who pass but don't believe they do, there are women who probably don't but don't care - who do you think are the ones who feel happier about themselves and their transition? If you obsess about your appearance in this process you undermine yourself. If you feel you want to live as a woman you'll find that is a hurdle many of us have had to deal with.

Tough question, but in the early stages, how does one overcome a "rational" need to pass?  In other words, how do you convince yourself you're meant to transition if your desire to transition is strongly linked to your ability to pass?

[CarlyMcx]

I feel like I'm attractive as a male. While I don't want to be male I don't want to be an ugly non-passable trans woman. I don't want to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. I'm a normal person who probably will never have tens of thousands of pounds to spend on cosmetic surgery so FFS is out of the question. I really don't know what to do.

You said in another post that you are 17 years old.  So, a couple of things: 

First, nobody should undergo facial feminization surgery, especially at a young age, until they have been on hormones for two to three years and the hormones have had a chance to do their work.  And no reputable plastic surgeon is going to operate to feminize your face anyway unless you've spent a couple of years on hormones.

Second, nobody your age can afford to pay for FFS, unless they have wealthy parents.  You don't have rich parents?  Don't feel bad, I didn't either.  Which meant that I had to finish high school, go to college to get qualified for a job, and find a job before I could even think about transitioning.

Since you would have to wait two to three years for FFS anyway, after you get on hormones and start transitioning, maybe you should look into completing your education and getting a job, and saving up for the surgery.  Then, by the time comes that you can get approved for FFS, you will have the money ready to go -- or have good enough credit to borrow the money. 

After all, the money you pay for FFS is about the same kind of money you would pay for a nice car, and there are lots of young people who finish high school, go to college for a couple of years, and then manage to be driving around in a nice car, thanks to a job and good credit.

[SadieBlake]

Lolz I can relate and from what I've seen so do the passable women (transwoman I would die to look like still get read on the street, experience dysphoria the same as I do etc).

When I realized I was mtf I was 40, irretrievably bald, at least not unhappy with my appearance (I could attract partners and playmates and people found me easy enough on the eyes whether I was dressed drab or in drag). I tried shaving my beard and was extremely unhappy with the resulting face.

4 years into dealing with disphoria I concluded that I could not settle for being a 'handsome' woman (5'11" 200lbs, muscular) and gave up on transition. Since then I (continue to) dress in private, my closer friends all know that I'm trans and that vanity is what kept me from transition. Inwardly I have continued to feel more femme than otherwise and as you expressed vanity is what kept me male. I've never felt great about this compromise, it's rather been the 'practical' choice.

16 more years down the road, at 60 I've begun HRT. I have announced to most of the world that I've embarked on transition (the exception being I'm not out with my abusive family). I've also been clear that for the moment passing isn't an objective.

Some of this is still vanity, some is practicality. I work in blowing glass and even if I wanted to spend the time it would take to pass for female, there's no way I'm adding a wig to workng in front of a 2000 degree furnace.

I feel 100% happier simply not hiding my femme character every day. Inside I've never felt I passed as male and since acknowledging that I'm trans of course inside I'd rather not. By some miracle I'm gaining breast tissue at a rate higher than most girls see and now I actually have to wear a bra to keep from feeling intense heat working in front of those furnaces (my skin is uncomfortably more sensitive on hrt).

I'm accepting that for now I will present as 'trans' and not binary gender and having committed to this by coming out generally I now feel more comfortable in my daily life. I'm still vain and that still factors into my thinking about everything from how I dress daily to how I think about working towards eventual GRS.

I'm happier and that's a good start.

[Lady_Oracle]

Lolz, transition is about more than passing. There are plenty of trans women who pass but don't believe they do, there are women who probably don't but don't care - who do you think are the ones who feel happier about themselves and their transition? If you obsess about your appearance in this process you undermine yourself. If you feel you want to live as a woman you'll find that is a hurdle many of us have had to deal with.

I consider that I was average to below average looking as a dude. Somehow managed to get myself to reasonable looking as a gal, but it did take some doing.

yep thats another good point, how attractive you are a lot of the time is based on how well you take care of yourself and how good you are at style/makeup. It's a womanly thing to take care of our skin/bodies better cause there's a lot of pressure on our appearance. I guess what im getting at is you can be pretty prehrt too because beauty takes work, its not just given naturally unless genetics ofc. 

[Lolz99]

You said in another post that you are 17 years old.  So, a couple of things: 

First, nobody should undergo facial feminization surgery, especially at a young age, until they have been on hormones for two to three years and the hormones have had a chance to do their work.  And no reputable plastic surgeon is going to operate to feminize your face anyway unless you've spent a couple of years on hormones.

Second, nobody your age can afford to pay for FFS, unless they have wealthy parents.  You don't have rich parents?  Don't feel bad, I didn't either.  Which meant that I had to finish high school, go to college to get qualified for a job, and find a job before I could even think about transitioning.

Since you would have to wait two to three years for FFS anyway, after you get on hormones and start transitioning, maybe you should look into completing your education and getting a job, and saving up for the surgery.  Then, by the time comes that you can get approved for FFS, you will have the money ready to go -- or have good enough credit to borrow the money. 

After all, the money you pay for FFS is about the same kind of money you would pay for a nice car, and there are lots of young people who finish high school, go to college for a couple of years, and then manage to be driving around in a nice car, thanks to a job and good credit.

I know I can't get FFS. No need to rub it in. If you had read my post you would have seen that I had said FFS was out of the question. I will NEVER be able to afford FFS. Plastic surgery is something belonging to the rich. You're every day person doesn't have like 30 thousand pounds (british) to spend on surgery, and never will.

People don't really like giving jobs to non-passable trans women so I'm not thinking about that now. I have to choose between a career and converting to transsexual.

[Lolz99]

Lolz, transition is about more than passing. There are plenty of trans women who pass but don't believe they do, there are women who probably don't but don't care - who do you think are the ones who feel happier about themselves and their transition? If you obsess about your appearance in this process you undermine yourself. If you feel you want to live as a woman you'll find that is a hurdle many of us have had to deal with.

I consider that I was average to below average looking as a dude. Somehow managed to get myself to reasonable looking as a gal, but it did take some doing.

For me it is only about passing. I want to be a woman not a man in a dress.  I am not a trans woman stuck in a boy's body, I'm just any other woman stuck in a man's body, therefore I have no interest in looking trans.

I have a different type of dysphoria to most other people. I have dypshoria that is looks-based. I feel dysphoric because I look male. If I transition but still look male then my dysphoria won't have decreased at all.

[Selena]

Ive found that if you really learn to use make up, experiment with hair color/styles and outfits, you can find what works. For me black long hair really works..I look like a complete tool as a blonde..lol

[Lolz99]

I guess as I'm 17 I'm guaranteed to pass if I start HRT now so I shouldn't worry

[Rebecca]

From what I've read 17 should give very good results but never any guarantees.

I did read one sweet story I forget where but an MTF was looking at her body in the mirror saying "I hate my body. When will I look in the mirror and feel like a real woman?" her girlfriend replied "That's how we all feel you are feeling like a real woman."

That made me smile.