Well, for a while now I have been planning my social transition and my coming out at work. With the help of others I have been able to make significant steps toward accomplishing that monumental task. The road has not been easy and I have found out very quickly who my allies are and who are my enemies.
My therapist thought it would be a good idea, and suggested that I have a discussion with my companies owner about my being intersex/transgender. After deliberating I finally wrote a long letter to her detailing my concerns. Had I thought some more on this issue I would have not sent this letter. In the letter I disclosed a ton of private information. I sent the letter from my personal email to her personal email. Two weeks went by before I heard a response.
I do not know if you have experienced this or not but when you come out to someone, they may have a favorable response but over time you see their real feelings. Sometimes it takes a week maybe more. After drafting this letter I started to see through this individuals earlier response to me. When she didn't answer I figured the worst. I keep saying that a piece of my dies with every new person i come out to... it's so true too. It must be my male side. I cant count how many times i have felt betrayed just in the last week.
To my chagrin I received and email from HR as I packed to go home for vacation. "The company owners shared your email with us." "We need to talk when you get back", the email stated. I felt betrayed. I mentioned that this email was to be confidential and still she carelessly forwarded it to the HR department. Don't be deceived this kind of thing happens a lot. You learn this over coming out process.
I returned from my week of vacation and sure enough... as soon as I walked into the office HR wanted to speak. They were very supportive but I was by no means ready to come out at work or even deal with this conversation. I have been on hormones almost 7 months now and I just came out to my parents while on vacation. I didn't even know what to ask HR, how to prepare, or even what i wanted to do. I was just afraid of losing my job for being genuine.
A week past. I was at home relaxing and enjoying my weekend when I was sent a text from a friend, alerting me that two people I work with in the office were told about me when they sought answers for a rumor that I was gay. A close friend of mine... hell a family member so it would seem, decided to "defend me" and dispelled the rumor by saying, no he's transgender and there is a medical explanation. Not only did she have the story wrong but she outed me after saying "This is a personal thing that only YOU tell someone." My head swirled. I wanted to address everything right then and there but it would have to wait till Monday morning.
I came into work on Monday with damage control in mind though I couldn't have imagined how much damage there truly was. The rumor had started the previous Thursday and had spread from the factory floor to the executive offices in less than a day. That Friday I had just come out to the CEO and finally my boss. Monday the rumor had exploded.
I had planned on telling the people I worked with on a person to person basis. I was working my way through and by Monday I had approximately about 30% of them in the know. Still had quite a few more to tell but it was manageable. I talked to the ladies that my friends outed me too and found out about the rumor and how far it spread. I then talked to HR and realized I needed to get ahead of the rumor. I spent most of the day coming out to the remaining employees as a professional courtesy. What a mentally taxing and emotional day.
To be outed by a friend is heartbreaking. I want so much to be angry at her but lets face it... she did something I couldn't do yet. Are we ever ready? Every one that I spoke too already knew or heard the rumor. I venture to guess that 75% of the factory knows and 80% of the executives know. It really doesn't matter at this point.
I worked with HR for a solid week making plans for my impending coming out at work. The shock is already evident and I have decided not to wait. Because of some per-existing health concerns I am out of the office for 2 weeks recovering from an orchidectomy. When I return I will return as Amanda.
I've been fearful of my return to work but as I sit here and think about it... there is nothing to fear. Ever since the surgery i have felt totally different. More female than ever. I am who I am. I know there will be a bathroom issue but I guess it will get addressed as I go along. Another friend i lost this week was very bold to tell me "You're not using the ladies room, that's just weird."
I've lost a ton of friends in this whole ordeal. I still have a ton of people to tell but that will come in time. I believe right now the only true friends I have are trans because they can understand the struggle. In order to continue to forge forward i have needed to adopt the F$%* em' mantra, otherwise it hurts too much. My eyes are open.
I did nothing but stress and plan my transition. In the end nothing I planned came to fruition, good bad or other. I had so much anxiety about work and now I just feel free. Being out in public is now not a big deal. If some one sees me that i work with, who cares.
It looks like I won't lose my job and my role is likely to stay the same so that's a blessing. I just can't believe what has transpired in the last week. I'm out at work, publicly, and socially. It feels good but i cant help but look around at all the corpses laying around me of people that i cared about that so obviously didn't care about me.
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