Introduction

[Ayledin]

Hello everyone.  My name is Matthew.

Let me just give a bit of background;

I was born male and I am exclusively heterosexual.

However, I suffer from a very specific obsession with OCD; Homosexual and Transgender thoughts.

I am mortified by the thought that I could be gay, all the more assuring me that I am straight.  But that is not the issue today.

Disregarding that, I have been questioning my gender identity as of late.  I am curious as to whether I am indeed a closeted transgender woman.

Now let me be clear;  I am 99.99% sure that I am straight.  But I am completely unsure if I am a woman.

At this point, I do not care if I am transgender or completely cisgender.  I simply want to know.

And a disclaimer; I have no issues with the LGBT community.  I am not homophobic/transphobic.  So please do not misinterpret my concern for bigotry.

So anyway, I have never felt "trapped" in my body.  It is only recently that I have been getting jealous of girls for being born in that body.  I am currently 18 and in college, and this is a time when hormones start racing through me.  Now, I am completely positive that I have " ->-bleeped-<-" that is; sexual arousal by the thought of transitioning.  These thoughts eventually lead to masturbation where I completely say "YES! IM TRANSGENDER! YES! I AM A WOMAN! but after orgasm, these thoughts quickly go away, but they eventually come back.  Now, I feel that I get aroused by becoming a woman because I think of the bodily changes; longer hair, bigger cheeks and lips, voluptuous breasts, softer skin, fuller hips, thicker thighs, and a larger, rounder butt.  This stems from a fetish that I have had since I was seven; bodily inflation.  My first erection came from me watching Violet Beauregarde inflate like a blueberry, and ever since then, I have had intense fantasies and desires of that happening to me.  So it seems no surprise that being "inflated" into a woman seems so arousing and appealing.  However, I do not meet a lot of the criteria for gender dysphoria.  As stated before, I enjoy many aspects of being male.  I always played with Nerf Guns, Star Wars Legos, and played first person shooters with my friends, in addition to riding bikes and building forts, and it felt perfectly fine.  Throughout my entire life, I have been fine being male. 
Bottom line, I feel that if I am transgender, it is purely based off of sexual desire, not so much lifestyle and/or social changes.  I have never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never kissed a girl, not even on the cheeks.  Now, these thoughts and feelings have been interrupting my daily life, with my entire focus on my fantasies of being a woman.  Even as I am typing this I am in my English class, and I should be writing my essay due next week.  This leads me to believe that a lot of this is simply TOCD or, Transgender OCD, due to its intrusive nature.  In addition, when I first had obsessions about being transgender, I was horrified by them.  I was scared to death about becoming that.  But then changes came.  I saw a girl wearing a waist trainer a few months back, and I couldn't help but feel jealous that she got to wear that.  Next, a gay waiter at my job tricked me and a friend by showing me a picture of Carmen Carrera in gymwear.  Once I found out that was a trans woman, I got upset because I felt like I wanted to look like that.  And the biggest one, one that heightened my anxiety about this to its peak was when I saw that naked selfie of Kim Kardashian in a blonde wig.  I just felt like I wanted her body; her curves, her boobs, her hair.  In fact, there have been some times where I completely believe that I am transgender.  Then I get the urge to masturbate, and once I'm done that belief goes away and I think, "No, I'm fine.  Okay, moving on."  Also, my family often jokes about my big butt.  I suffer from lordosis, a condition where the spine is curved abnormally inward towards the bottom, accentuating ones glutes.  I used to be ashamed of it; I wanted to look male through and through.  But then these thoughts came, and I started to sometimes admire my big, round booty in the mirror, and I enjoyed smacking it and shaking it.  I even tried twerking.  Then things got worse.  I started to crossdress.  I would put on my morphsuit costume (If you don't know what it is, search it up)  and I would wear my moms one-peice bikini and stuff tissues in the breasts.  Then I put on my sister's lipstick and a wig.  I was extremely anxious at first; I didn't want to be transgender.  Period.  But I tried it again, I just felt turned on and excited by doing this. 
In conclusion, half of me (my parents say its my OCD and I hope it is) tells me I want to start Hormone Replacement Therapy and start growing a fuller feminine figure.  But the other side of me is like, "MATT! What the hell are you doing?!  This isn't you!  Snap out of it!" 
I don't know which side to listen to.  I just wanted to live a normal life.  Have a wife and kids, be a father.  But then my other side tells me that I want to get breast and butt implants and get a job working as a plus size model for Victoria's Secret.

Thank you for listening to my story, and if you feel that you can help me, please respond.  Trust me, this was way more painful for me to write than it may have been for you to read.

-Matthew F.

[Jacqueline]

Ayledin? Mathew?

Doesn't matter. It is very brave of you to post such a revealing information. It is hard. Thanks for sharing.

Let me start by saying two things:
1 these are my opinions so who knows if I am right.
2 most of what you write suggests that you are on the transgender spectrum. (My friends would suggest that your denial of being gay would firmly place you in that camp as well- but let's just stick to gender identity for now). Sexual orientation and gender identity are two things that don't always match up. It can get far more confusing than you may be comfortable looking at right now.

I also want to share some links that we pass along to  new members. They have welcome information and the rules of the site. If you have not read them, please take a moment to look them over:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

There is no proven medical way to be diagnosed as transgender. It is now accepted that while many transgender people are binary(male or female), many are on a line between those two points. Some shift (gender fluid). All of these folks as well as cross dressers and others are considered under the umbrella term transgender.

There is a saying you will run across if you look around here. "If you are on this website (or wondering to yourself, am I transgender), then you probably are. While most cis people (born the gender they are comfortable identifying as) have wondered what it would be like to be the other sex, few of them question if they really are.

I also wanted to make you aware that you brought up a concept that is, due to policy, not welcome on this site.  ->-bleeped-<- is strictly forbidden on site. There is however a wiki article on the subject on the site. It's located in the following location. If you look under controversy of this link it will give you the general idea why it is not discussed here.

https://www.susans.org/wiki/ ->-bleeped-<-

I can't tell you what you are or are not. Neither can any doctor or therapist, as far as transgender goes. However, I would highly suggest you go to a therapist and be completely honest. If you thought it was hard to write this... Be as honest with them as you were with us. It can be a general one but you might want a specialist (gender therapist). They  can help guide you through this maze of confusing thoughts you are in right now. This is a pretty important step.

Continue to ask questions as you need to. I hope you find what you are looking for, or at least need.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Randi]

You may find this article by Anne Vitale enlightening:

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

Evidently in some males, it's testosterone that causes dysphoric feelings.  When they begin HRT (Estrogen and an anti-androgen), the dysphoric feeling are greatly diminished.  If they begin taking testosterone again, they dysphoria returns.

It could be that if you began HRT to transform into a woman, when your testosterone levels dropped you might find yourself wondering why you found the idea of femininity so appealing.

It's quite a paradox and counter-intuitive.  It's certainly not applicable in all cases, but it does hold truth in some cases. There is a synonym for the "A*" word:  Crossdreaming.  Put that in Google.

Best Wishes

Randi

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It sounds like you are where we all start out - very confused. Your sexual preference has nothing to do with your gender identity so we only need to figure out which gender or gender variation you are. Unfortunately there isn't a way somebody else can figure that out and you will have to tell us. For starters I am going to give you two links to look at. The first is our WIKI where you will learn some of the forms that transgender can take. The second link is "the transition channel" where you will see the questions that are ask in a therapy session targeting transsexualism a bit more. If you have questions for me, feel free to post them on this thread and I will respond to them when I can.

[V M]

Hi Matthew 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Josefa]

Ayledin,

Hi I am brand new to this site too.  I have felt many of those same feeling you have experienced but haven't been able to express them with such clarity.  I am so confused.

Thanks for sharing what you did because it helps me get in contact with those emotions and feeling that I haven't realized consciously yet.

hugz,

Josefa