I feel so confused

[Janine]

Is it possible I'm just faking all this? Sometimes it feels like I'm just a guy in a dress, so to speak, though I've never actually worn one. It doesn't help that both my significant other and her cousin Summer (who is trans herself) think that since the whole 'i should be female' thing isn't constantly on my mind, that I'm just either lying or delusional. I sometimes do not care at all how I look or how people see me. Sometimes I want to smash the mirror because I feel so ugly. When I examine myself, I feel like mentally I'm nowhere near male. I didn't give a thought to being trans when I was growing up simply because I didn't know there was such a thing. I was told that guys dress and act a certain way, and since I was born with a penis I had to be a guy. I didn't know SRS was a thing until I was 15 and watched an episode of Taboo. I remember thinking it might be cool to do that, but at the time I still thought it was just a want, not a need. Seriously if I'm just nuts I will check into the nearest psych ward but I'm so tired of everybody second guessing me, especially myself.

[suzifrommd]

It helped me to to go out dressed as a woman. I went to my support group one night after finding a wig, makeup for my beard shadow, a pair of women's skinny jeans, clip-on earrings and a bra stuffed with rags.

It was a disaster. My clothing didn't fit well, and I was terrified that something would ride up or shift revealing an ugly tuft of hair.

And yet, when I put the feminine clothes away, they called to me, as if the hope for my future lay there and not in the everyday male clothes I picked out for myself the next morning. I knew I needed to do it again or I wouldn't be satisfied.

I continued to have that feeling each time I put them away, wanting to be myself more often. The process of stopping wondering whether I was making this up was a long one that chipped away at my doubt a little at a time, as I gradually became more comfortable with my female self and realized that it was my real life while the everyday male me was the fake.

[Christy76]

I agree with Suzi,

I would try going out as female and see how you feel. You may even start just dressing in your own home. This should help you decide how you feel about being female. If dressing as female and going out as female feels "right" then you may wish to see a gender therapist who can help you further. In the end only you know who you are inside.

[LordKAT]

Janine,

I don't think it likely that you are faking your own feelings. Others tend to try and tell people what they feel, but the truth is, they judge based on their own experiences and not yours. Your feelings are your own and are real. You are the only one who actually knows what they are.  Try to first be honest with yourself, second, trust yourself.

[Orielle]

I feel the same way too and have just gone through a couple days of "what am I doing?!"...

I think there are things that we do to ourselves and ways of thinking that probably aren't particularly healthy and don't help. These are just musings so take with a pinch of salt!

No human is 100% anything relative to other humans...there is always going to be someone else who is more feminine or masculine, so we really need to truly embrace existing on a continuum.

So instead of focussing on gender, focus on your traits, because female is just shorthand for "I have more girl traits than boy traits"...but at no point are you really required to put yourself in a box in your own mind and certainly if it isn't helpful to you.

So forget girl and forget boy. You are just a human with mainly feminine traits and the real problem is that society tries to boil this down to binary thinking to make a complex thing a simple one, which while understandable, is doing a great disservice to that thing that is the human experience!

Ok, enough with the preaching here's how I "find myself" when I have doubts: I ask myself a simple and relevant question: "if I have to the live the rest of my life alone, would I rather be a boy or a girl?". For me the answer is an easy one that makes me realise that in isolation I know exactly what I want to present as. Things only start to get confusing when I think about other people and how I fit relative to them...(Will I be unable to find a loving partner if I do this, etc...)

So yeah, focus on making yourself happy by exploring your feminine traits without actively labelling it. Once you've made peace with yourself about how you feel, your internal model of the situation will be much more resilient to the thoughtless opinions of others.

x

P.S. Here's a news article that may interest you: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/nov/30/brain-sex-men-from-mars-women-venus-not-so-says-new-study

[cgh1523]

Therapy would be a good place to start it gives you a trained neutral person to help point you in the right direction. Make sure you find a neutral and I stress neutral therapist not one that will tell you what you are feeling they should be more of a guide that helps you on the way to where ever you are going. But just getting there and telling them for me was extremely difficult but once you tell them it seems like life gets better. I am in no way a trained any thing just my 2 cents and the same advice I got when first comeing here. And it was great advice.

[Fresas con Nata]

I share the OP's concerns. I tried going out dressed as a woman and wow, did I enjoy it! And if I had to live the rest of my live alone, which right now I plan to do anyway, yes I'd be a woman hands down.

However, for work reasons I spend 70% of the time abroad and I need to live in guy mode all that time, and while I feel bad when I have to take a plane and leave all the girl gear in my home country, and while I count the days to go back home, I don't feel "dysphoria" the whole time. I'm afraid I won't be diagnosed with dysphoria therefore I won't get access to hormones.

[JoanneB]

I tend to ascribe to the adage of "If you think you are trans, you are". Cis folks don't wonder about their gender.

The REAL question to ask yourself is where on the spectrum are you, Today. This is the hardest part and easily confused, persuaded, or nudged in one direction or another. As time goes by where in the spectrum you are can/will change one direction or the other.

Many times, especially when the dysphoria and depression are ganging up on me I tens to ask myself a similar version of "Am I faking it". In my particular case it is more like Am I really just a cross-dresser. The totally honest answer is I am well beyond that point and tons happier about being me that I am. I am also pretty fortunate that I am not so driven by the dysphoria that I NEED to fully transition. Well, most days 

[HappyMoni]

Janine,
I can tell you a couple things. Having gender questioning has nothing to do with being crazy and don't let anyone tell you you are lying. They are clueless. Like others have said, your feelings are what is important. Your feelings may be conflicted but they are valid, way beyond others people's ideas.

Now, in my experience, (which includes many years of denial) your doubts may be fueled by the shame society puts on us. The thought of being the person everyone expects us to be is extremely powerful. For me, I spent a long time in misery because I gave in to the notion that "How can these feelings be real when the whole world says they are not." It wasn't until I started on the road to transition that I was sure the doubting was external and not internal, (internal as in me not really being trans.)  More experiences may give you more of an answer for your personal situation. I am still transitioning. No matter how good things are going and how "right" it feels to transition, part of me still wonders occasionally whether my feelings are for real.  I know they are, logically. Society can creep in once in a while and tell me I must be insane to do this.

Just remember if being trans or questioning (etc.) were simple, cut and dried, would any of the many people on these boards be looking for the feedback and the advice that we do? You are not alone. You are not crazy.
Moni

[Denise]

... "if I have to the live the rest of my life alone, would I rather be a boy or a girl?". ...

Orielle - WOW.  I've been having doubts for about 10 days.  They are subsiding, but that is a totally awesome way to look at it.

Thanks

P.S.  the answer is: Girl

[chris.deee]

... "if I have to the live the rest of my life alone, would I rather be a boy or a girl?". ...

Orielle - WOW.  I've been having doubts for about 10 days.  They are subsiding, but that is a totally awesome way to look at it.

Thanks

P.S.  the answer is: Girl

Agreed. Wow. What a great clarifying question. And yes, it's the impact and relationship to others that really colors the answer, which is why I love this question.

[Jenny0713]

Wow. I never thought of it that way. If I was to be completely alone for the rest of my life, there is no question. I would live it as female!  It's only the rest of the world that makes me question myself. Thank you!  That made at least part of what I am feeling crystal clear. Wow.

Jenny

[Pengola]

I hope you find this helpful. I have a very close MTF friend who is a Polynesian girl. She is someone who doesn't give a crap what she looks like and wears whatever she wants. Besides her being an incredibly strong and brave woman, she is also a Fa Fa Fi-ne. (I think that's how you spell it).

She explained to me that in her culture, there is a 3rd gender. Male, Female and Fa Fa Fi-ne. The Fa Fa's are seen at the top of the hierarchy because the belief is that they are born with the soul of a male and a female. I remembered when I first decided to transtion i called her to ask her if she thought I was gender disphoria. Her response is this "babe, WHO CARES! You do what makes you happy and not how society defines how and when you can transition and under what BS conditions." The thing is my lovely friend is so confident because she comes from a society and culture that accepts her and embraces her and that shapes her mindset. A part of me believes that there would be a lot more trans people comfortable with not going through the SRS if there was an accepted and embraced third gender so we never need to fit into either mold.