Surgery is 2 weeks away and I am scared

[andreapdenver]

Posted this in another forum, but re-posting as I am looking to hear from other post-op women to see if am alone in my fears. I realize this this is not even necessarily a pre/post issue, but more of a trans issue.  I am 2 weeks away from surgery and wondering where my emotional state will be.  I am 44, came out at 17, started hormones at 20 and stayed hidden publicly, other than a few friends. 4 years ago I transitioned to ft.  I lost my wife, though we're now friends. We had a daughter together who is now 7 and is thriving.  I think my biggest worry is will I really be happier post-op? I did all of the steps to get here. My work pays for GRS.  My tickets are booked.  My #'s are in at work.  Everything is complete to move forward, but I have tons of fear.  My fears are of the permanency of being a trans woman forever.  Being post-op means no going back; not that I have ever seriously thought to do so.  My only struggle, but a huge one for me is the vicious circle of loniliness and dating.  As soon as I say or the women I date figure out I'm trans, they bail out.  I lose confidence, my self esteem goes down and I become more lonely. I was at odds with myself as male, but I looked good and attracted women.  Now, I attract some still, but not as many and the ones I like cannot handle I am trans.  With surgery 2 weeks away, I am more scared than excited.  I worry I'll have some peace with my body, but have a body no one wants to touch.  I worry about complications that could render me less physically active as I am super active outdoors.  I talk to my therapist and friends who all think these feelings are normal, but my 2 post-op friends seemed more excited than scared. Hope I am making the best decision.  Hope I'll be happier snd eventually find a partner.  Hoping for no serious complications. 

[AnonyMs]

I can't say I'm post-op, but if I got to that stage my biggest fear would be not doing it. I don't know how I'd survive if I didn't go ahead. I know I'd always regret it, and more so as time went by.

[RubyAliza]

Hi Andrea,

     I'm also not post op, will be 2 weeks after you (same surgeon!) and I'd thought I say something in support. Keep trying. It might take a while. Never lose hope. You've got all the way here despite the difficulties and heartache but there is someone out there, perhaps even another pretty trans woman like yourself, who will accept you and appreciate everything you have to offer, which is much more than the physical

    Best of luck with your surgery. I live in the Bay Area and would be happy to support you in any way I can! Message me anytime.

- Ruby

[SorchaC]

Hi Andrea

I'm just over 1 year post op, If you have the surgery or not you'll be a trans woman forever unless you go back to being a male impersonator, I say impersonator because I'm sure by now you've already figured out you're not a man and never was

Getting a partner is not easy for a trans whatever your op status is but it could help you to consider what attracted the women you've spoken about? I met girls who thought I was the best of both worlds pre op but these wouldn't want me post op and I met girls who would have wanted me post op but not pre op. I always said if you wouldn't want me as I am now you don't deserve me as I will be.

I am really certain that as you look really attractive you will find a partner but that shouldn't be the criteria for surgery anyway. Having fears over any surgery is normal and SRS brings out many different emotions in us. So long as you feel the surgery is right for you and you trust your surgeon then I would say just go into it with a positive attitude that all will be well and the rest will come naturally

Hope that helps

Hugs

Sorcha 

[SarahAdcock]

Hey Andrea

I am 2 years post op and, in the months before my surgery, I was petrified!  Clearly, it's different for everyone, but, despite being very sure about wanting the outcome, I was terrified of the operation, complications, loneliness (I went to Thailand (Dr Chett) on my own - though I did have a little help there) and guilt ridden about spending all our money on myself.  I put off surgery twice which meant I paid a penalty, had to hide in the toilets at the Bangkok airport while I suffered a little panic attack (never had one before or since), managed to forget my original paper-work (I was in such a flap!) and presented with dangerously high blood pressure at my first consult (my blood pressure is low).

What was strange was my mind was realling the whole time, but my feet kept walking forward.  Some more primitive part of my brain was still in touch with who I am and what I needed...  By the time I went in for surgery, I was completely calm with no fears at all.

Recovery wasn't completely smooth, but now I have finally gotten in touch with my body, embraced my strength and am engaging with the world in a fuller more authentic way.  I had a partner before (and after ) surgery, but if I was single, my new lease on life and far more body positive outlook would, I believe, put me in a far better place to build all sorts of relationships.

Well, that's just a bit of my story. Hope it helps and the very best of luck to you!
cheers
Sarah

[warlockmaker]

It's perfectly normal for some of us to feel anxious before surgery. Surgery is stressful under and circumstance. Personally,  I never had any reservations ....I was a hot looking male and now 3 months post op I'm feeling very comfortable as a female.

I'm very gregarious by nature and living in Bangkok ...there are so many tgs here that I'm fully accepted. Meeting and dating here is also easy and safe. Be positive...its going to be an amazing change .

[marie]

Hi Andrea

You said you are scared of putting yourself in a non reversible position, but I believe that we all trans girls are in a non reversible situation since the beginning of our lives or at least since those early days we realized we are not on the right bank of the river ...

Hugs

Marie

[OCAnne]

Hello Andrea, congratulations on being within 2 weeks of your SRS...such an exciting period!
I underwent SRS at 46 and have a similar story to yours.

Recorded a 6 month post SRS video a few months ago.  In the recording I talk about post-op dating and romance.
There is very real hope for #GirlsLikeUs.

Link: (cut and paste) youtube.com/watch?v=UeeQlld6DFo&feature=youtu.be

You might consider informing surgeon you plan on using it (if that's the case) and to do an extra nice job.  It worked out well for me. 

Break a leg!
Anne,

EOM

[Laura_7]

Well SRS is healthy people going into an operation ... really severe complications are rare...

as you said you do regular exercises...

this could help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190515.msg1697107.html#msg1697107


*hugs*

[andreapdenver]

THANK YOU everyone!  Your comments were very helpful.  I guess I needed to hear I was not alone in being afraid.  One thing I didn't mention is that I was also Overdosed accidentally by my surgeon with lidocaine during my breast aug which has put fear in my head about my up and coming surgery.  Anyway, thank you.  Thank goodness for this forum and the support it provides.

[FrancisAnn]

I'm pre op so it's only my opinion. Sometimes therapist & surgeons try to move us in a direction we are not ready to take or they try to stop us from going in a direction we want to go. Please do what you want to do 100%. Only you know if it's right for you. Maybe this helps??? My best to you with whatever works out. It's not the same thing but I was sure nervous a year or so back before a serious level complete face lift & other facial surgery. I really had no idea how I would look but I just trusted the plastic surgeon..... For me that worked out good.... 

[FrancisAnn]

Just make sure you are fully aware of everything from the surgeon & what to expect. Sometimes surgeons do not tell us the entire story or at least they did not in my case. I had lipo & tummy tuck surgery....my scrotum expanded to the size of a base ball or larger from the excess fluid even with 2 drain tubes, etc....I could barely walk..... My surgeon was casual about it all, "oh yea I forgot to tell you about that". I almost punched him............It took two weeks for it to go away. I was sure not a happy trooper. But now it's over & my mid section body looks great for my age. Again not sure if this helps you or not just my $.02 worth. Your surgery will probably be the same, some rough times but just stay cool, then much better days ahead for you. I'm sure you will be a beautiful complete woman with a full life ahead for you to enjoy.  None of us can ever go back. We have to move forward for a better life you know. Take care & good luck.

[Richenda]

Andrea my love if you are around what did you decide?

I have spent the past week in a similar position to you: worrying about what I'm doing. It's not the surgery but the completely transitioned life and in particular, what you shared, rejection. That's what gets me.

x