Coping strategies?

[nameuser]

Firstly, hello, handsome gentlemen et al of the FTM section :3 I've been lurking a while - this site's been an immense help already! - so I finally made an account.

Well. I came out to myself in January. I've had a sort of honeymoon period - the relief that came with finally understanding why I've felt the way I have for so long was enough to override the worst of the dysphoria. At first v.v

I'm in the UK, transitioning on the NHS. It'll be at least a year before I get my first appointment with the local gender clinic, and longer before hormones/surgery will be on the table. I'm very aware how lucky I am to have access to the NHS - waiting times are a small price to pay for treatment. And my GP was absolutely beautiful when I went to see her - no complaints, much gratitude :p

But the honeymoon period is over. Dysphoria, destroyer of worlds, has returned. And I am not a person known for my healthy coping strategies >.>

Do any of you lovely people have advice on how to stay chipper? How to catch yourself before you trip headlong into the dysphoria pit? And how to deal socially when you don't pass? Any experiences to share? Any wisdom? Any anything?

Tell me everything O-O

If you wouldn't mind. And thank you in advance.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Other than going private, you are stuck with wait, much like I was. I was a very early transitioner and as such I had to wait for treatment to become available. Coping strategies consist of distraction. Keeping yourself busy and interested in something so you don't spend the time considering your condition. I found Science fiction and computer programming with mindless TV about the best I could do at the time. Today the internet and video games seem to help some of the people on the site. Distraction is far from the perfect solution but it's better than nothing.

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[Peep]

If you're interested in pursuing HRT you could talk to your GP about bridging endocrinology - it's a long shot, because a lot of GPs aren't comfortable with it, but it's better than waiting a year or a year and a half. (I'm going to ask my GP because, why not? it's worth a shot?)

Aside from that, I agree with Dena - distractions, hobbies. I've been going to the gym and going running, and trying to focus on my creative work. Also, I've read that the NHS will likely want you to have come out to your family, and they advise you change your name etc asap, so if that's possible, it's something to work on now. They also prefer if people are in full time education/ work or voluntary work. Volunteering could be a fun distraction.

[nameuser]

Thank you, Dena 🙂 well, that's wonderful to hear because being distracted happens to be something I'm very accomplished at. This might be the only time in my life that it's actually a useful skill~ a survival skill, really.

Ooh, bridging endocrinology? That's something I'll have to research now. Thank you, Peep! And good luck with your GP! I read that too. I'm out to family (apart from this one uncle >.>), working on the name change. Planning to start applying for jobs again once that's sorted, to avoid the awkward:

"Hey interviewer, I'm [insert manly name] "

"Well, [insert manly name], despite looking suspiciously childlike, it looks like you've got the job. Now, if you'll just show me your ID..." *gasps* "Liar!"

As if interviews weren't uncomfortable enough ;-;

Before I accepted I was trans, my social anxiety was so bad even going out to buy bread was like taking the Ring to Mordor. Now, I can go to parties. Parties! Not that I want to. But volunteering - bring it on

Anyway. Reading both your responses, I'm feeling a little less daunted. When I feel even a little bit low, I just want to stare at a blank wall daydreaming about Manly Me. A comfort in the moment, but it only makes things worse in the end.

So, distraction o-o yes. No more blank walls. No more endless rumination. Thank you again!

[Dena]

When I transitioned, I couldn't change my ID before I was post surgical. I spent over 2 years walking around with mismatched ID in my purse. In that time, I took a job but I was lucky that I didn't need to produce any ID when I took my job. I never figured out how the social security contributions worked because they went in with my new name to an account with my old name and number. The rest of it I just faked.

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

Concerning going private you could have a look here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204334.msg1816704.html#msg1816704

Coping strategies: you could concentrate on the things you like...
and many cis people also have some features of the other gender ... not all people have typical male bodies etc ...


*hugs*

[FTMax]

I put off transitioning for a few years because I couldn't afford it and I didn't think my family was ready for it. I threw myself into work and school from age 18-25 when I finally came out. Got multiple degrees, worked in a variety of environments and positions.

Finding anything that can take your mind off things and put you in a better position to manage your transition or for when you are done transitioning, I would say is the way to go.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I get really angry when people misgender me. My therapist suggested sublimating my anger. By that he meant letting it out physically in a safe environment. I haven't tried it yet because I'm injured right now, but I'm going to.

[Laura_7]

I get really angry when people misgender me. My therapist suggested sublimating my anger. By that he meant letting it out physically in a safe environment. I haven't tried it yet because I'm injured right now, but I'm going to.

Imo its important to not fuel it. Maybe concentrating on something positive, and saying nicely what you want.

Some practises for short term are throwing paper balls, possibly striking a pillow (don't hurt yourself) and malleable balls which can be pressed by hand.


*hugs*

[nameuser]

Wow, 2 years with a mismatched ID? That can't have been fun. The jobs I've applied for, you have to provide ID at some point. I just can't deal with the stress >~< and you have to put your gender down everywhere on the application forms. I don't know whether to put male or female - if i put male, I'll have to explain my "situation" during the interview, which I really don't want to do. But I know that, for the sake of my sanity, I can't put anything else.

The answer I suppose is to volunteer until I'm in a stronger place. Less paperwork, fewer awkward questions. I'm still living with my mother and as long as I maintain the illusion that I'm doing something with my life, I'm in a (very fortunate) position where paid employment is not yet a necessity.

Anxiety ;-; I want to kill it.

Thanks for the link Laura, and the welcome 🙂 that's very true. Bearded ladies, men with breasts. We must take all the comfort we can from their existence.

Max, it's great you've managed to make such productive use of your time. Sounds like you're going to be unstoppable very soon! I've given up on education (it's apparently incompatible with my mental health), but I can certainly use this time to work on my CV and maybe build some skills. Or find some skills >.>

Oh, the misgendering. Never fun, AD. Speedy healing to you. I don't tend towards anger myself but when I do feel violent, I find an open-ish space and visualize my enemies. Then take them out one by one with my woeful kickboxing skills, while listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. It's fairly effective - worth a go, if you haven't tried something similar.

Thank you all~ it's nice to meet you, and you've given me some good stuff to go away with.

[Kylo]

Honestly one of the things that has kept my spirits up while waiting on the NHS - ironically - is that all the things I must do about it later, deed poll, passport change, dealing with reactions to it in my village, dealing with my relationship becoming platonic as a result, have meant that as much as I want it to hurry up and for them to give me T and chest surgery, I also am not really in a hurry to confront those other challenges and changes. The longer I wait though the most comfortable with them I become.

[nameuser]

Hehehe, that's one way to look at it - the longer you have to wait, the longer you get to put off round two of the fallout

Ouch, I hope you're not dealing with the small town mindset thing. I've had it easy in London, where I could walk out the door in a shimmering unicorn costume and everyone would still pretend I was invisible. But most of my family comes from small towns, and they say some pretty strange things.

Good luck with the admin stuff. Deed polls ;-; I really like your avatar, by the way.

[MercenaryElf]

Before I accepted I was trans, my social anxiety was so bad even going out to buy bread was like taking the Ring to Mordor. Now, I can go to parties. Parties! Not that I want to. But volunteering - bring it on

Oh, I relate so much...and am also a Tolkien nerd. 

I've been out to myself for only slightly longer, and it was such a relief to figure out exactly where the bulk of the social anxiety came from.  Getting a cup of coffee and sitting at a table by myself was all right, but as soon as baristas tagged me as a "regular", I couldn't handle the recognition and wouldn't show up there for months.  Making efforts now to seek out new places and meet people -- it's tough, but not nearly as tough as it was a year ago.

Oh, the misgendering. Never fun, AD. Speedy healing to you. I don't tend towards anger myself but when I do feel violent, I find an open-ish space and visualize my enemies. Then take them out one by one with my woeful kickboxing skills, while listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. It's fairly effective - worth a go, if you haven't tried something similar.

Folk metal is also a good soundtrack for this, but I'm told by everyone I know that it's an acquired taste.  Spotify has a couple of lists that give you a good battle theme for working out and for punching your inner demons.  Years ago, I took Tae Kwon Do and would imagine knocking out everything that got to me over the course of the day.   These days, it's (not frequent enough) bodyweight workouts and the sense that doing them proves the demons wrong.

Video games, anime, writing, and earning a second degree (long story) have also made good distractions.  If school isn't your thing, a hobby or creative project that requires you to focus and work with your hands also helps a lot.

[Ayden]

Writing, knitting and art projects. I had to go off hormones for a year (no doctor access) and I went close to crazy. However, I did write 2 books, made more scarves than any one human could need and I picked up perler beads. Those were my strategies.

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[Meowt]

Personally, I found it helpful to make timelines. I was counting down approximate appointments until diagnosis, approximate months until blockers, then counting down each blocker injection until I can access testosterone (also thinking about top surgery). While at times this can be frustrating, I always know that I am going somewhere, and I'll be there in the next few years. Everything right now is temporary.


It depends which GIC service you're in - if you're in a children's clinic you will get there a lot faster than adult, although once you're there the wait for HRT will be a lot less.

If you're in the UK, you should be able to get a legal gender change as soon as you are diagnosed with GID (Gender Identity Disorder) - you can be legally male on passports, driving licenses ect (you'll need to speak to your therapist about that once you get a diagnosis).

The only thing you will have to wait longer for is your birth certificate, I think (and my memory may serve me wrong) once you are 18 and have been on HRT for 1 year you can apply to get your birth certificate changed.


My advice, and IMO is the most important thing for you to do, is to follow things up.

My mum always told me that this [transition] is the most important thing in the world for me, but to everyone else it's just another day or just another patient. If you've waited a long time, ask your GP or make some phone calls. Always get copied into letters and test results. Always know exactly what you can do and how you can do it - this also really helps with coping if you're feeling frustrated or helpless. And, it may also help you get places faster.


If things get really tough, speak to your GP about depression and (if you feel it may be beneficial) therapy or anti depressants. It's not uncommon for trans people to experience depression, and especially pre transition (at least medically) it can hit hard.


Good luck in your journeys, this site is a great peer support network - you are always welcome here and there will always be people willing to help.

[nameuser]

MercenaryElf! Good to hear you're staving off the anxiety, and things are looking up. Gives me hope that things will continue to get better. And it's always a pleasure to meet another nerd

Pre coming out to myself, I "dealt" with the anxiety and the depression by dissociating. The result being I now have no idea who I am, or who people perceive me to be. When my dysphoria's at its worst I feel so disconnected from myself, society, reality really, it's impossible to see any meaning or value in anything. I'm beginning to figure me out, but every now and then I look in the mirror and the jigsaw just disintegrates again. I'm trying to unlearn the feeling of non-existence, but it's a slow process

Helped a great deal by resources like this website, I must add. There are some wonderful people here.

Ayden - wow. That sounds like an intense year! I'm glad you got through it. And congrats on finishing two books.

I think I need to write more - seeing something I've created makes me feel more grounded. And I've resolved to take up knitting, since so many people seem to turn to it in their hour of need (just asked my mum to teach me and she laughed herself to tears - she's still relearning gender ).

Meowt - thanks for the info. I'm excited now - I might be able to be male on my next passport 😀 your mum is a wise woman. I'm constantly on edge with the NHS - my GP herself warned me there's a reasonable chance my referral will "go missing" along the way to the GIC. And with it taking 6 weeks to process the thing, if that's happened, that's 6 weeks I've lost. It's been four already, with no word *paranoia* but she said not to start worrying until mid May.

Thank you all for the advice and wisdom, and for sharing your experiences. It's been a massive help.

[Laura_7]

Here are some groupd which might also be of some help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135219.0.html


hugs