Apologies for the late reply...couldn't access the site last night for some reason! (luckily I saved my reply!)
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 17, 2016, 08:54:47 AM
I agree. It's tough having to hide who we are.
It really helped me to have a transition plan, to know exactly how/when I was going to be my complete self. To do that I had to be willing to decouple my transition from passability.
...
the knowledge of exactly when I was going to be my female self was vital in keeping my mental health during that time when I was pretending to be male.
That sounds like a really sensible way forward. For me, it's still quite early days, so I'm just taking steps to validate my feelings in the best way I can think of.
I think that in order to compare my feminine experience fairly with my masculine one, I need to be able to wake up and look feminine with the minimum amount of work, as currently looking masculine requires no effort whatsoever and I don't want endless 5 o' clock shadow cover ups and getting clocked because of my beard to artificially reduce the quality of that comparison, so connecting that to your point, I think for me, knowing when my beard removal will be finished is probably the thing that will help me the most right now.
FYI, I'm pre-everything right now (well, I've removed all of my body hair with IPL as it was easy to do that at home and without anyone knowing and I've started taking 1mg finasteride for my hairline). I haven't yet booked my (laser) beard removal because I wanted to wait until after the wedding so that no one has to see me in a state of inbetween-ness!
Quote from: meganjames2 on April 17, 2016, 09:30:39 AM
You're not alone. I had a similar experience, I was at a job interview, and felt really bad, not because of the interview, I'm always really relaxed about those, but because I was fully suited in maximum male mode, I almost ran out of the office before the interview even started. I guess it's just part of the journey, it's hard at the time, but I take it as a positive sign that my female side is continuing to grow and get stronger and louder.
Thanks for sharing that and I'm glad that you were able to reframe it in to a positive. I generally try and stay positive too, so I'll take my experience as a sign that I need to move further forward a little quicker to reach a better balance in the short term (I've been deliberately taking things slowly as I'm generally fairly cautious, with backup plans for my backup plans!).
TBH, I think I really underestimated quite how masculine I would look and felt in that suit and quite how much it would affect me!
Quote from: Eva Marie on April 17, 2016, 10:12:43 AM
Being in that awkward "in between" phase while transitioning is a very tough spot. We do the best we can while allowing the process to work both physically and socially, but it's still tough.
I completely understand how you were feeling. Putting on guy clothes was very uncomfortable mentally for me the six months before I went full time, and that was just putting on jeans and a t-shirt. Putting on a suit and knotting a tie and attending a social event would have been horribly traumatic.
I was on a transitioning dose of HRT for about a year before several male fails convinced me that it was time to make a transition plan with help from my therapist. The male fails told me that I was on extremely thin ice and that people at work were going to begin noticing the changes very soon; I wanted to get in front of that happening. Knowing that I was in a "have to" situation made it a little easier for me to press forward.
I scheduled my name change (I had to wait 6 weeks for a court date) and I began making plans for the day I showed up en femme. I showed up as "him" one week, did my name/gender change in court on a Monday, and showed up for work as Eva wearing heels and carrying a purse on that Wednesday. I was then full time for better or worse (and it was better!).
I hope that you don't have to do the pretend male thing much longer.
Thank you for your story and your empathy, I appreciate it! :-)
Clearly having a plan is a good thing and I do, but it's at a much less advanced stage as I'm only finding myself rather late in my life (I'm 38 y/o) and it's only been months, so my (independent) plan is to pass and live full-time without hormones for one year to validate my feelings. If it goes well, then I will go and talk to my doctor and ask about hormones, and if it doesn't, I'll just be a guy with no hair on my face and body and a more generous amount on my head. I'm absolutely happy to trade the cost of being an effeminate guy for the reassurance of knowing that I'm doing the right thing, just in case things go wrong and I lose faith in my direction.
I guess that's just my practical, cautious side coming out, but having felt like a stranger to myself much of my life, I feel like I can't entirely trust my feelings in this matter... (as much as I want to!)
Quote from: Elis on April 17, 2016, 12:12:05 PM
I don't want to encroach on mtf space but thought this may help. I had a family wedding Sept 2014 (my cousins) and this was before I came out and started transitioning. I decided to wear trousers; mens shoes and a white short sleeved mens shirt that wasn't overly masculine. I also had my hair medium length at the time; kinda like zac efron's in high school musical. So of course I felt completely awkward and hated every minute being there. I especially disliked having to talk to family members who I weren't close too and who were probably wondering why I looked like a dude. Plus I looked at my male cousins and wished I had the guts to wear a handsome looking suit like there's. I cringe each time I think of that wedding and endlessly thankful how far I've come since then mentally and physically (now on T).
I have a family reunion coming up July and am sorta looking forward to it; although I know it's going to be very awkward. I can finally wear a very masculine shirt without caring what others think and got rid of my old hairstyle in favor of an undercut with a slight quiff.
I never thought I'd actually be brave enough to be myself or be were I am now transitioning wise. So try not to get yourself down about the wedding. Take a few days to relax; rest and put on some cute women's clothes. Soon your family will meet the real you and all those things you had to put yourself through will be so so worth it 
Absolutely all input is welcome regardless of gender (we're all in this together as far as I'm concerned!).
Thank you for your words and reassurance! I think the thing you touch on, which is key, is self-acceptance and being comfortable in your own decision. I think that's probably where I'm struggling a little bit at the moment. Not in my current direction as I'm currently 100% committed to moving forward with a more feminine me. While I fully expect to present full-femme, quite how far I go "underneath the hood" is still something very unknown to me. That unknown coupled with a perfectly reasonable "am I really doing the right thing?", is probably enough to destabilise me in any kind of slightly uncomfortable situation, so I think that ultimately it's just something I need to work on.
Anyway, thank you everyone for your input. This has probably been my first really difficult experience and your words have definitely helped. Living and working at home, means I currently avoid a lot of the difficulties that other people going through transition experience, and probably has the negative side effect of making me a little less prepared when I do go out with my current feelings as that bubble I current live in has a somewhat protecting effect.
I'm going to take all of your advice on board, and focus on making meaningful forward movement with a timed plan to help gain confidence in my feelings and my future, stay positive, and finally, become fabulous! ;-)
(ok...well that last bit is probably a bit optional, but that's the goal!)
Orielle
x
