These big empty inside me

[galaxy]

Sorry for posting my sorrows again. I dont know where to go, dont know who telling it again. My empty inside makes me so hopeless.

I dont know if you understand it. I was starting transition 4 years ago. Shortly after beginning i got hormones from my specialist. That was a really lucky time - so much new things and i dreamed of a better future as a woman.

After 1-2 years i recognized my HRT isnt working the way i hoped. No breast development, no fat redistribution, nothing that other people let see that i'm taking estrogenes. I always wanted long hair and a woman hairstyle. But sometime i recognized the hair wont be longer than 10-12". Ive no idea why - but its so much thinner than hair of other people and it doesnt grow anymore. It makes me sad since 2 years. Other girls have so nice hair ... i hate my hair.

After 2 years i decide to let do breast augmentation. I choosed a good private clinic. The result was a A cup - dont know what the doctor was doing there ... i forced him to make another correction surgery. Result was a B cup ... it all ended up as a nightmare. Two surgeries - no really breast at all - you see nothing there looks like a natural woman's breast.

After all i was making SRS at Suporn Clinic ... to make it short: I'm still in pain nearly 8 month post OP. Mentally i'm broken. My blood levels (see other thread) are a nightmare. My body is under the influence of any androgenes but i cant see it in my bloodwork. I got acne, hairlos, bad skin ... and i fear my face is turning back to a more masculine appearance.

All in all every step and every treatment of my transition failed. Sometimes i cant believe it to myself - but it all failed. What is left in life after transition is failed in every detail? Honestly. There nothing as a big empty inside me. Ive no plans, ive no hope, i dont have any future. Which future? A woman's future? I'm the result of a failed medical treatment. Call me "it" or "freak" ... doesnt matters. My body is always "under construction". Nothing was finished, I'm not ready for living.

I'm one of these games shut down while the screen shows "Please wait while loading". 

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry your in this place , I really have no idea what to say except that I'm sorry this has happened.

[galaxy]

Its okay. Ive nobody to talk and sometimes it helps to write it down.

[ClaudiaLove]

Hello ,

Please try to let some good vibes in , sometimes we can't see the peace from depression . Even with some flaws we are women and can enjoy life . There are so so o many cis girls with flaws as ours and they live with peace .
When i am depressed i see my body as a job for others , trying to impress , to be liked . And then i see life for me , enjoying it , living for joy apart from the joy of being admired . I can feel so many things , love , empathy , i can have hobbies , career , i can be the real me inside , a spirit . I can love as a beautiful girl , be mother like one , hangout with people that accept me as a girl .
Then i see physical beauty , dreams , posibilities to become more beautiful .
I really hope not to upset you , i hurt too , and i like this pain , i like to feel my regrets , but i don t want affecting the transition peace , to doubt or not enjoy the inner me .

[galaxy]

The difference betweens us that youre looking like a girl - a beautiful girl. I think your life is totally another one then mine. You live like a normal woman - doing things like every woman. I live like a shadow and avoid public areas ... and thats not because of any depressions or so. Beeing alone is safe and i dont see them lauging and staring at me. 

[April_TO]

Galaxy I have seen your post numerous times and I can't begin to imagine how it is to feel the way that you do. However, as part of this community I believe the biggest difference between you and Claudia is attitude.

Being happy and confident is a lifestyle. You have to choose to be happy amidst your trying circumstances. Your life is what you make of it. I have seen a lot of trans women who are not on hormones, no surgery but they're still living their truth (presenting as a woman) and most of all happy.

Your transition is for you and not for the people around you. I am not sure how spiritual you are, but I find that meditating and praying makes me feel grounded and most of all happy. I also do a habit of affirming myself everyday.

Hope you find yourself sooner or later

Hugs,

April

The difference betweens us that youre looking like a girl - a beautiful girl. I think your life is totally another one then mine. You live like a normal woman - doing things like every woman. I live like a shadow and avoid public areas ... and thats not because of any depressions or so. Beeing alone is safe and i dont see them lauging and staring at me. 

[galaxy]

I tell you what the difference is:
The people you describe have choosen the way they live. Not me. I'm beeing forced to live a life i dont want to life. I was dreaming of a normal woman's live - with all its sides. Having a partnership, shopping with other girls, wearing dresses, makeup, going to the hairstyler, buying shoes - all these girly stuff ... I love fashion and these stuff. I always dreamed of having it too. Thats what i had to hide all the years as a man. Why do you dont want to understand this??? Do you had no dreams??? It burns inside me. The desire all the years. It still burns inside me. But its a fire now burns my soul down.

[Rachel]

Galaxy,

I am sorry this is happening to you.

I am not a doctor so if your doctor can not figure out what is happening with your blood then try another endo. Get a second opinion.

I am not an expert on breast implants. Perhaps there was a reason why they implanted the size they did. Did you ask them? How many cc implants did they use?  I know it is expensive but you can go up in size in the future.

Rachel

[HappyMoni]

Galaxy
I think you have a right to be upset, angry, and disgusted. The things you describe have got to be pretty hard to take. The thing is, after you get upset, angry and disgusted, what then? If you stay with those thoughts too long, it becomes self destructive. The only path that makes any sense to feeling better is to take positive steps.  Get up, dust yourself off, and keep moving in a positive direction. Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other until you find yourself in a better place. Galaxy, I truly wish you the best.
Moni

[galaxy]

You may dont understand. My transition failed in every aspect. I start with some other girls at the same age and they all come out fine. They got long hair, had some effects of HRT, success in surgeries. They are not free from problems but they come out fine.

I dont come out - had any transition. I waiting for 4 years for hair growth. 4 years. Its about 10" now. My girl friends has breast growth. What is it??? How does it feel? They talk about getting biggers butts ... What? Where? When?

My transition is piece of paper only.

[KayXo]

Having a partnership, shopping with other girls, wearing dresses, makeup, going to the hairstyler, buying shoes - all these girly stuff ... I love fashion and these stuff. I always dreamed of having it too.

Nothing stopping you from doing all these things expect the importance you give to other people's appraisal of you. If you stopped caring and just did what you enjoyed doing, the good people out there would admire you and even become close friends with you and the right person will come along. Hiding, you are wasting every second of your life, not giving yourself a chance, not giving the world a chance to see you as you are and benefit from it and for what? For others? Because you don't want to be judged? Be judged, screw it and go live your life regardless...Easier said than done but it's the only way because you tried everything else, right? So, might as well try this last route...and you might be surprised!