My dad doesn't want to start HRT because of mental illnesses? Help me.

[tyler_c]

I had a lot of problems as a kid. My mom wanted a divorce so I developed anxiety and depression due to that. I had nightmares and crying fits. I had a babysitter who left and I was numb at first but then woke up crying about it and my dad didn't know what to do. I cried over the loss of anything really. I also had symptoms of OCD. My dad talked to a therapist and she told him that problems I had as a kid won't go away, which is odd because I'm not like that anymore, I just have anxiety and depression and I know a lot of it is triggered by gender dysphoria because if I'm not feeling dysphoric I'm not sad at all. The therapist also told him being transgender falls in the same category as anorexia and people who have plastic surgery who feel like they need to look like a celebrity, and that it is unfortunate that it is no longer labeled as a mental disorder because people don't get the right help for their other problems, and that it is unlikely that someone is FTM transgender if they were a feminine child and played with girl's toys. I was "girly" as a child and did what someone would consider "normal" behaviour in correlation to my anatomy.

Plastic toys and pink mean I'm a girl? 2+2=5 I guess?

And because I "lost" my mother, my dad doubts I'm transgender because I grew up with only him and my brother. ("Male influences" as he said) That I have a different mental illness that makes me think this way.

It's really stressing me out that he won't let me start testosterone because of this. He thinks I have too many problems. He thinks that I have an aversion to feminine things NOW because I lost the female figure in my life. And he keeps telling me that taking testosterone and becoming a man is not going to make me happier.

And it really is tearing me apart. I want to start testosterone, and I'm aware it's not going to solve my every problem, but everyone has problems and there is no literally no way to fix anything completely, there will always be scars. But he still won't let me make the decision to start HRT myself. I don't know what to tell him, I've already told him I want it, but he thinks "I have bigger problems that need be addressed" and I guess he thinks when those are dealt with I'll magically be a normal woman? I'm unsure, what I do know is that I'm going to regret not being able to start HRT sooner in life...

All these "you need to address the bigger problems like your anxiety and depression" and "you're too unstable to make these decisions that you're transgender" are freaking stupid. No matter how many other problems someone has, why would that make them want to be the opposite gender?

If someone who's NOT transgender hated their body, everything about their body, why would they change they're gender? That doesn't make any sense.

God, I want testosterone so bad. How do I convince him? I don't have mental breakdowns, I don't think I'm insane, I think I'm a calm person, but he makes me think I'm so freaking crazy and I don't even KNOW it. And that freaks me out. I'm not crazy? But he thinks I'm a wreck and need therapy to address that instead of me being transgender?

Oh my god this is so long I'm sorry, it's just... I don't know. He makes me think I'm crazy when I know I'm not, but I'm also aware the human brain can block out mental illnesses to cope and that scares me? Am I crazy when I know I'm not? This is screwing me up, him telling me I have bigger problems than the dysphoria caused by me being transgender when I don't think I do is seriously screwing me up and making me think I'm crazy. He's making me scared of myself.

[Alexthecat]

How old are you? If almost 18 then it might be easier to just wait and get it without his permission. Also your therapist is a whack job and you should not see them anymore. Not having a female in your life does not make you FTM. I did not have a dad in my life and I am FTM so complete opposite of your situation.

[tyler_c]

How old are you? If almost 18 then it might be easier to just wait and get it without his permission. Also your therapist is a whack job and you should not see them anymore. Not having a female in your life does not make you FTM. I did not have a dad in my life and I am FTM so complete opposite of your situation.

I'm 16, 17 this year. And the therapist is someone my dad saw for his depression like 10 years ago, he only talked to her over the phone, I've never spoken to her. I sent my dad a list of therapists that deal with transgender individuals to call in our area, but he didn't call one of them. Which annoys me. 

When I turn 18 I know I'm gonna do this. And I don't care what he, or anyone else thinks. It's just breaking me that he's making me think I'm crazy because of what the that therapist told him... Like clinically insane or something. People can get over the problems they had as a little kid without medication, right? That therapist doesn't think so. I'm so lost right now.

[Elis]

I've had a similar upbringing; although my mum died when I was 7; so I grew up with just my dad and brother. I had a lot of problems growing up with not wanting to partake at all in school, being rather emotional and being forced into therapy with my dad because we didn't get a long (he's not the most emotional guy). Things still didn't get better. I found out I was trans at 19. Came out soon after just because I was having an emotional breakdown about it. I couldn't take it. I just decided to tell him straight; which did not go well because I didn't plan what to say. We went to a doctor that morning; who booked me to see a therapist for her to 'diagnose' me. I didn't want to take T at the time and was too afraid to speak up for myself. Of course I decided not to go the therapy appointment; told my dad I did and it was inconclusive. I kept my trans feelings bottled up until I was 21 and couldn't stand being miserable any longer. I was able to get a job at this point (still lived at home) so I had some independence if things went badly. So I sent him an email detailing how I felt growing up; how I feel now and what my plans are; as well as some helpful links. He said some really hateful things afterwards so I had to correct him on those as well as telling him how misgendering makes me feel. I hate being too personal with my feelings; but it worked (a gradual process though). After coming out I immediately phoned the private GIC to make an appointment; legally changed my name and came out at work. A year after telling my dad I'm now almost 6 months on T. It's been a tiring mentally exhausting journey but I got there.
Sorry to ramble on about my life. The point is you need to let your dad know that taking T actually helps trans people overcome anxiety and depression. As well as trans being a neurological and not psychological problem. There are even articles out there which prove this you could show him. Start standing up for yourself. Make an appointment to the therapist yourself. He surely can't cancel it if you've made it; which will hopefully show him you're serious about all this. It's your life after all. You need to start doing something to make yourself happy. I never thought I'd be where I am today. Yet I proved myself wrong.
Hope it goes well for you

[Dena]

There are two ways to obtain HRT. The first way is informed consent which you are not old enough for. The second way and the way I did it was with a letter from a therapist. Taking this approach, you will not receive a letter unless the therapist is comfortable that your dysphoria is independent of other issues. If you are open with the therapist, this often can be accomplished in a few sessions and is nothing to worry about. If there are conflicting issues, it may take longer but on the plus side, you will have those problems treated and they won't bother you in the future.

Until you talk to the therapist and tell the story your way, there is not way you can be correctly evaluated so insist that you see a therapist and tell your father that a gender therapist is where you are going to end up even if you are sent to his therapist first.

[Jonathan L]

I'm so sorry that your father is responding to you this way. I was a VERY feminine child, but I still always wanted to be a boy. I was also mostly raised by my dad, but lots of people are and they don't end up being trans. As for the therapist, they sound really unprofessional. You can't assess or diagnose someone without even talking to them, and they obviously know nothing about gender. I know it's really frustrating to have people assuming that your gender identity is the result of a mental illness. I kind of got that response from my mother because she herself has struggled with mental illness and it's hard for her to conceptualize the difference. But I think this is partly ignorance (most people just don't know anything about this stuff) and mostly flat out denial. He doesn't want you to be trans so he's going to latch onto whatever he can to explain it all away. You just have to remember that that doesn't make him right.

[WorkingOnThomas]

Your dad's therapist doesn't know what they are talking about. And they had ZERO business trying to evaluate you without ever having spoken to you. That is highly unprofessional, and unethical, in fact.

If your dad is that stubborn, and refuses to talk to an actual gender therapist, or allow you to see one, you may just have to wait until you are 18. But that is not so far away. You can do it. And remember: you're not crazy.

[CrazyCatMan]

That therapist is a quack. For one think they should never give a diagnosis without actually seeing a patient. secondly almost all major/accredited Psychology Organizations no longer consider transgender identity as a mental disorder and it it nothing like Anorexia Nervosa/Bulimia. Sounds to me like that she didn't get her continuing education credits, ether that or is a bigot.

I have have had bad therapist before. One of them said that I was trans because was a lesbians and couldn't except my homosexuality (which makes no sense because I'm gay and attracted to men) an another said that I was trans/gay because I was "sexually assaulted" and traumatized (I have never been  sexually assaulted)when this happens I just stop seeing them and found some else.

Unfortunately therapist are humans too and can be stupid and hate just like anyone else. I suggest asking your dad for a second opinion from a another therapist.

Sorry for ranting, as a former medical major I just get so mad when I hear doctors being stupid.

[tyler_c]

That therapist is a quack. For one think they should never give a diagnosis without actually seeing a patient. secondly almost all major/accredited Psychology Organizations no longer consider transgender identity as a mental disorder and it it nothing like Anorexia Nervosa/Bulimia. Sounds to me like that she didn't get her continuing education credits, ether that or is a bigot.

My dad told me she has a degree in psychology and that I should shut the _ up if I think I can disagree with what she says about me because she's a therapist. Makes me hate myself even more. I can't know I'm transgender because self diagnosis and self awareness is always wrong and I can't... and don't even know what to say anymore but I can't know myself because she said so... It's like everything I think is wrong because she said so... I'm not transgender because it's just some new thing caused by "childhood influences." Oh my god I don't want to be transgender. It hurts so much.

[WorkingOnThomas]

Stop Tyler.

Take a deep breath.

Now, remember - you dad is not an expert in ->-bleeped-<-. Your dad's therapist is not an expert in ->-bleeped-<-, even *if* she has a degree in psychology. Her behaviour has already established the fact that she is both unethical and incompetent, and that won't change regardless of how desperate your father is to believe whatever drips out of her mouth.

Straight up - okay? - being transgender can suck. Really, it can. But there are things that can make your life better. But you have to go out and do them for yourself. Not everyone has supportive parents. I'd hazard a guess that most of the people here have not had supportive parents, in fact. That means doing what we can until we can get away. You can do that too. Get a haircut if you haven't. Switch to male hygiene products. Dress more masculine. You're too old for your father to control every aspect of your life. Start looking for what you're going to do when you come of age. University? A job? You can start lining all that up now. Then, when you've made your escape, you can start seeing a gender therapist and - if you want - get medical treatment.

[CrazyCatMan]

My dad told me she has a degree in psychology and that I should shut the _ up if I think I can disagree with what she says about me because she's a therapist. Makes me hate myself even more. I can't know I'm transgender because self diagnosis and self awareness is always wrong and I can't... and don't even know what to say anymore but I can't know myself because she said so... It's like everything I think is wrong because she said so... I'm not transgender because it's just some new thing caused by "childhood influences." Oh my god I don't want to be transgender. It hurts so much.

Having a degree in anything means very little if a person doesn't get there continuing education credits and actually learns from them. Medical standards are constantly changing.

Don't hate yourself, I know's hard but you are a wonderfully person and deserve to be treated well. Childhood influences don't make you trans. Only you can determine your gender identity, that therapist has no power over you. Even if you never take testosterone your are still a man, if you identify as one.

Stop Tyler.

Take a deep breath.

Now, remember - you dad is not an expert in ->-bleeped-<-. Your dad's therapist is not an expert in ->-bleeped-<-, even *if* she has a degree in psychology. Her behaviour has already established the fact that she is both unethical and incompetent, and that won't change regardless of how desperate your father is to believe whatever drips out of her mouth.

Straight up - okay? - being transgender can suck. Really, it can. But there are things that can make your life better. But you have to go out and do them for yourself. Not everyone has supportive parents. I'd hazard a guess that most of the people here have not had supportive parents, in fact. That means doing what we can until we can get away. You can do that too. Get a haircut if you haven't. Switch to male hygiene products. Dress more masculine. You're too old for your father to control every aspect of your life. Start looking for what you're going to do when you come of age. University? A job? You can start lining all that up now. Then, when you've made your escape, you can start seeing a gender therapist and - if you want - get medical treatment.

WorkignOnThomas is 100% right

I know some face masculinizing makeup techniques that I use myself and I can send you a link to a company that makes custom facial hair pieces.

[tyler_c]

Thank you for all the advice...

I'm gonna try and get a job after all this drama dies down... So I can have money saved up for when I'm 18...

I'll try not to think so negative thoughts, but I'm just gonna get a few things off my chest: the therapist told my dad I shouldn't listen to other transgender people saying everything is okay and that you're perfect because it creates false validation and acceptance and that transitioning will not make you happy. Like not to glorify or praise a "mental illness."

I honestly didn't expect my dad to be transphobic... But whenever he hears a transgender joke now he'll laugh, which makes me sad, and he still uses Caitlyn Jenner's birth name and male pronouns, like is it really that hard to call someone by their name... It's just wow... sad.

I know some face masculinizing makeup techniques that I use myself and I can send you a link to a company that makes custom facial hair pieces.

Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm alright. I pass as a guy already, but that's probably because I live where it's rare to see a girl with short hair. (Hope not, though...)

[Dena]

I don't know if it's worth your time and trouble but if you are game, you can provide your father with this.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism

[tyler_c]

I don't know if it's worth your time and trouble but if you are game, you can provide your father with this.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism

I've tried sending him things before, but they don't work. He just thinks me reading things about being transgender is influencing me to think that way. He told me to stop looking at forums and interacting with transgender people, but I'm not going to bother asking why.

So, unfortunately, it's useless trying to send him anything relating to me being transgender. I'll transition on my own when I'm 18. Wonder what he's gonna think after I do it...

[Dena]

I understand what you are saying but it was because you were transgender that you looked for us to explain what you felt. To date, I have never see a CIS turn transgender. We all seem to have something in our past that indicates we were different even if it took us years to figure it out.

I wish you luck with your plan and if I can help, let me know.

[Maybebaby56]

To date, I have never see a CIS turn transgender. We all seem to have something in our past that indicates we were different even if it took us years to figure it out.

How wonderfully insightful. I like that.  I'm giving you a gold star, Dena.

Transition can be scary, and sometimes I have those "WTF am I doing?" moments, but I have always, always felt the way I do about myself. You just gave me some clarity.

With smiles,

Terri

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's really stressing me out that he won't let me start testosterone because of this. He thinks I have too many problems. He thinks that I have an aversion to feminine things NOW because I lost the female figure in my life. And he keeps telling me that taking testosterone and becoming a man is not going to make me happier.

Well, he doesn't know that. A lot of trans people get happier on HRT. My mother told me I would never pass. I believed her. Well, she was wrong. T makes guys' faces look totally different.

What's going wrong with these parents, that they have to tear their children down?

[AnxietyDisord3r]

My dad told me she has a degree in psychology and that I should shut the _ up if I think I can disagree with what she says about me because she's a therapist. Makes me hate myself even more. I can't know I'm transgender because self diagnosis and self awareness is always wrong and I can't... and don't even know what to say anymore but I can't know myself because she said so... It's like everything I think is wrong because she said so... I'm not transgender because it's just some new thing caused by "childhood influences." Oh my god I don't want to be transgender. It hurts so much.

Lol, what a crock. Self-affirmation is the only way they know someone is transgender at all. It's too expensive to scan 7 billion people's brains to try to find the queers. All a therapist does is ask you some questions to determine that yes, it's transgender and not some other disorder. Maybe even help YOU figure it out, after all, some of us are non-binary or bigendered or genderqueer or crossdressers, etc.