How can I get a binder without my family finding out?

[MisterQueer]

Title's question. And I'd like some binder recommendations as well, as I'm rather large chested (DDs).

So, basically, I'm 15 and won't get my driver's license until next year. I don't have a job, but I will be getting an old car to drive within a month. I can't drive it legally without an adult yet, of course. So it's not like I can just order a binder off the internet, then drive to pick it up at the post office.

I live in a pretty conservative place, no support groups or anything. I'm not out to anyone except my best friend, her dad and brother, and my mom. I regret coming out to her- it was a very traumatic experience, and I can't think about it without triggering anxiety, embarrassment, and anger. A few weeks ago I made a thread about my difficult relationship with my mom in a different sub-forum, but that's another story.

Long story short, my family hates trans people, and it's not safe to come out.

However, my dysphoria is getting extremely awful. It sucks that I'm large chested as well. I feel so helpless and hopeless that I can't get a binder.

I've thought about ordering one on the internet and delivered to my friend's house, but her dad would probably tell my parents because he doesn't like to keep secrets (I'm sure he assumes my parents already know about me being trans). He's also very overprotective of my friend as well, and definitely would be checking random packages she got. And sending it to my own house is too risky.

But even then, how could I order one online? Wouldn't I have to steal a credit card or something? Even if I did, isn't it possible to look at the history of purchases on that credit card? Aren't there things you can buy from places like Walgreens that act like temporary credit cards? Sorry, I'm pretty much clueless on this subject.

So that brings me back to my first question- how can I get a binder without my family finding out? Is it even possible? 

   

[RaptorChops]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The only advice I can offer is:

A) google FTM free binders, I found this site but not sure if they still do it (i'm sure they do) http://www.ftmessentials.com/pages/ftme-free-youth-binder-program

There are other sites that have a binder program but I can't remember the names of them.

B) Maybe someone here in the forums has one up for grabs in your size

[Dena]

You can purchase a gift card preload with money at many stores and it functions just like a ATM card on a bank account without a  statement. Some people even use them to donate to Susan's so their spouse will be unaware of the donation. The problem will be keeping it out of your parents hands if you are worried about them inspecting it. Possible a teacher or consoler at school might be able to help with this if you  have one you trust.

[MisterQueer]

Thanks for the current responses. And I have some new-found anxiety, unfortunately. And there's some novel-like writing in my explanation, which may come off as strange, but I've been writing stories for a few years, so it's just my style.

So, I was watching the news and a story about a man causing disturbance in a Target due to trans rights in the bathrooms came on. I grunted, "Crazy conservatives." and my brother, who was sitting across me, said "What?"

I said, "Crazy conservatives."

He rolled his eyes and looked at the T.V. "I am deeply disturbed by trans people." he said, "But it's just a bathroom. Nobody's gonna bother you in there. No big deal."

I decided to ask him the question. I already knew he hated trans people, but I was curious. "Why do you hate trans people?"

"It's just not normal." he insisted.

"What if one of our family members was trans, then? Like me or (other brother's name)? How'd you react?" I asked.

He shrugged, then spoke. "Do you mean like, if you were born a boy but became a girl and I didn't know, or if you're a girl but want to be a boy?"

"I guess it doesn't matter, but I think me wanting to be a boy would make more sense. If I was born a boy, you'd probably already know." I replied, then asked again, "How'd you feel if I told you I wanted to live my life as a man?"

"Well, I'd still be deeply disturbed." he responded, "I don't think I'd be able to look at you the same again. You're my sister. You've always been that. It's just too weird to imagine you as my brother."

That made my heart drop. It made me think, if I start transitioning, like getting a haircut and binder, and he noticed, would he suspect me of being trans? Would he bully me? What if he found my binder if I got one? Sure, he's a cis-male, but I'm sure he'll know at least some things about bras and perhaps recognize (even if it's unlikely) that it's not a tank top or sports bra. He's had plenty of girlfriends with all different chest sizes. Hell, would my family catch me wearing a binder and wonder where my boobs went?

The experience opened up so many questions and new fears for me, it's not fun. 

[Dena]

I can't guarantee it but your brother is currently uneducated about the facts of transgender. When you come out, he will have to do some serious thinking that he hasn't done already. Will he change his mind? Only time will tell but now you know what you will be up against.

[FTMax]

As far as your original question, you could ask for those credit card gift cards as gifts (Visa, Amex), and use those to purchase. As long as they have the full price of product, shipping, and taxes, you should be set. If you don't want to get into a debacle with shipping and you're somewhat independently mobile, Amazon has a thing called Amazon locker where you can have something shipped to a business and you pick it up there. Around here it's mostly 7-11's or CVS. I think you can pull up the locations on their website and see if there is something close.

That would restrict you to buying something on Amazon though. They don't have a lot of binder choices, but it would be something until you figure out a better situation. All of the usual binder sites that get recommended, and the free donated ones, would want to ship to a home address. If you got a part time job or something, you could see about having things shipped there.

After you get it home, you'd have to keep its existence a secret. So you'd need to do your own laundry, keep it somewhere that people don't look through. Shrug off any questions about why you're flat if people ask.

As for your brother, for most people it is very different to actually know a trans person than to read about them or see them on TV. My dad and stepmom are deeply conservative and when I explained to them how awful I had felt for years and all the things I had considered doing to myself along the way, they immediately got on board with my transition because having me as a guy was much better than having a dead kid. If you make it personal and take the time to say "This is how I feel, this is how long I've felt that way, and this is what I would like to do", most people understand much better.