near-incident... how to respond?

[sparrow]

A guy at my job, we'll call him John, mentioned that he's "confused" by my wardrobe.  We were at lunch off-site, and there were 6 of us at the table.  He went on to explain that some days, my pants are baggy, and on other days, my pants "look shrink-wrapped on."   Since I'm not out at work yet, I've been trying to present as masculine, but I already did the big purge and I only own clothes made for women.  I responded by saying "well, I do own multiple pairs of pants."

Another co-worker said "yeah, how do you even put those on?"  To which I replied "one leg at a time."  A third co-worker saved the day by saying "well, it looks like he works out" because my calves are so big.  I latched on to this, and managed to keep the conversation on the topic of my (lack of) exercise regimen.

Since then, it's seemed like John's been avoiding me, and I swear he gave me a dirty look last time I caught his eye.  Fortunately, we don't have any professional reason to interact.  The incident didn't seem like harassment at first... but I've come to view it as an attempt at shaming, especially in light of his behavior after the fact.  Since it was off-site, his actions are not covered by company policy.  But if he continues to act strangely around me, I'll have a case.

Like I said, I'm not out at work.  Worse still, I'm on a temporary contract.  I spoke with my manager a couple of weeks ago and he said that he wants to make me permanent... but until I see ink on paper, I'm extremely nervous about my position in the company.  I really don't want to make waves. 

However, my perception is that hearing John's comment is like seeing a cockroach -- people have noticed how I dress, and there's probably some gossip going around.  So, I feel like the damage may already be done.  Of course, it's hard to tell if gossip is going around -- I would need to ask somebody in John's circle of influence, which carries the risk of creating gossip where there was none.

As counter-intuitive as it sounds, I'm leaning towards coming out as soon as possible, to take advantage of the company's nondiscrimination policy.  I've anonymously written to the director of HR, and told her that I will probably come out at some point.  She's been receptive, polite and sensitive so far.  I pointed her to the Out & Equal Workplace Transition Guidelines, and she has familiarized herself with them.  My original plan was to come out once I was made a permanent employee.  This seems much riskier... but if I'm already getting harassed and the managers above me already know that I dress strangely... defining myself as transgender could make them more aware of how they are responding to my transgender status and less inclined to take actions that could be perceived as discriminatory.

[Ms Grace]

I'd keep a diary of any harassment or inappropriate behaviour. Thinking that someone gave you a dirty look and might be avoiding you however would not count, it needs to be more solid. If anyone else witnesses the harassment  write their name down as well.

[KathyLauren]

Coming out doesn't sound counterintuitive at all.  It sounds like you are in danger of being outed by others.  It is likely to be a lot less uncomfortable if you are in control of the process.

[suzifrommd]

Keeping a secret is stressful. So understandable you want to be out.

The period of time while I was planning my transition but was not out at work were someone of the longest months of my lives. If you think it's safe, I'll add my voice to those who are pointing out the benefits of being out at work.

[sparrow]

I spoke with my HR director today.  She gets the position I'm in, and agrees that coming out will probably be safe: at the very least, most people will want to be accepting of diversity, and she's more than willing to bring the rest into line.  I'm nervous about how very real this is.  I still feel like I'm in a questioning/discovering period and I want a consistent message to give people... but that just ain't possible.  She noticed that I was somewhat apologetic about pronouns and the uncertainty, and she jumped in to tell me that it's okay to update people as my situation changes.  That's a huge relief... but I'm still scared stinkless.

I mentioned the incident to her without naming the guy.  I made a point to run into him at the coffee machine and said hello.  He didn't look happy to be having the conversation, but played along enough for politeness's sake, which is all I ask for.

[suzifrommd]

I made a point to run into him at the coffee machine and said hello.  He didn't look happy to be having the conversation, but played along enough for politeness's sake, which is all I ask for.

Sometimes, when someone is really uncomfortable around me for reasons that do or don't have to do with my gender, it helps to break the ice and acknowledge the awkwardness.

When I first went full time there was a neighbor who had used to be very friendly, but who was now visibly ill at ease when we passed on the street. One time when I spoke to her, I took pains to mention my gender change. That somehow thawed things to the point where she was less uncomfortable, since she was no longer afraid to interact with me because of the awkwardness.

Don't know if it would help in your case, but you have the option of saying something like, "I've noticed you seem a bit on edge around me. Are my clothes making you uncomfortable?"

[Eva Marie]

I'd be nervous being on a temporary contract and also coming out. I worked as a contractor in various customer sites for well over 20 years and I learned that A) I'm not considered a "real" person by anyone - i'm expendable, and B) because i'm working harder than everyone else i'm feared and resented by the other employees, and C) when bad things happen the contractor always gets blamed due to A, and D) because of A, B, and C its always better to keep a cheery attitude, keep your head down, stay away from office politics, stay on task, and above all else CYA in case the employees try to put blame on you for something you had no part of.

Additionally, as a contractor you really can't do much about people talking behind your back or giving you looks. I accepted a permanent position and then two years later I transitioned on the job in a company of about 50 people and while nothing has been said to my face I have no doubt that lots of gossip is going on about me behind the scenes. Oh well, I gave people something to talk about and brightened up their day 

How long is it before you will know whether or not you'll be offered a permanent position?

[sparrow]

Ack.  Fear and uncertainty over this has kicked me back into boy mode and I want to pretend I was never transgender again.

[sparrow]

I've been chatting with HR more... she started out supportive, and said that it's up to me, it's on my schedule, etc.  We made a tentative plan for timing, and I backed out of that today.  I'm not permanent, and it's all just too scary.  Her response was terrifying.  She tried to talk me into coming out.  She blew off my concerns about facing discrimination as imaginary.  She told me that it would be a lot of hard work for me.  She put way too much emphasis on me needing to be patient with people, and me needing to expect the best out of people.  She really doesn't get it. 

My counsellor suggested that perhaps she's most interested in adding a line to her resume... and her behavior today was totally consistent with that.

[Dena]

Consider it from a legal stand point. You have approached HR with an issue that could get them into a good deal of hot water if they aren't as helpful as possible. She is making every attempt to help you but she can't change human nature and she knows it.

Yes, I didn't transition on the job but I still needed to understand I don't always pass 100% and there will always be reactions from others. We need to give others the freedom of their own opinions but they still need to be polite. If they are not, it will be your decision what you want to do about it.

[WallabyWallop]

Having experienced harassment in the workplace before (not gender-related in this case), I'll second that documenting each case of harassment is essential. I'm glad you have a HR representative who is helpful; that can really make all the difference.

Of course, I don't know the situation outside of what you've described but I would be inclined to cut the HR rep some slack. In addition to what Dena mentioned, she might just be legitimately worried about the mental and emotional toll that being forced back out of transition can take on a person. It is absolutely your choice about whether you want to come out or not but make sure that it is your choice and not fear making that decision for you.

I'm assuming you live in the United States? The law's pretty much on your side here. Even if you live in a state with 'at-will' employment where you can technically be fired for being for being gay/bi/trans/etc., any half-sane employer wouldn't want to touch a discrimination lawsuit like that with a 10-foot pole.

Of course, many people will be squicked out and that's (unfortunately) to be expected. Even if people don't outright agree with your gender identity they just have to work with you and not create a hostile work environment. However, since HR seems to be on your side too, any employee who outright discriminates against you on the basis of gender will likely at best get a stern talking to and at worst face termination. It sounds like the HR rep is doing her best to help make this as smooth a process as possible.

Also, just because this is a post made in text-format and my friendly soft-spoken voice can't translate, I'm in no way insinuating that any issues in the work place are your fault, because they are absolutely, positively not. If others are jerks about it, it is on them for being jerks, not you for being yourself. I just don't want you to have to deal with the stress of not living your life as you want to because of other people's perceptions and opinions because that's a hard way to get through life

[sparrow]

Thanks for your input, everybody.  I'm starting to develop the idea that I'm more out than I intended to be.  Though I've been deliberately looking male, I also haven't worn a stitch of boy clothes in my time there... where any single outfit doesn't look terribly feminine, there's a distinct trend that people have probably picked up on.

In my first two weeks or so, people were principally just welcoming me back, and not really paying attention to how I looked.  In the month that followed, there was a significant change in how people were responding to me... this "incident" was the tipping point, and people were weird and awkward for a few weeks on either side of it.  But in the last week, I've noticed that people have been getting over it.  "John" has been responding positively to my continued efforts to be friendly.

I'm mostly okay with how I've been presenting at work.  I'd femme it up a little more if I was free to, but I'm okay for now.  I've been talking with HR about coming out... I can wait until I have a permanent position.  I'm happy to be in a position where I feel patient about this.

[sparrow]

I'm permanent now!  Coming out soon!  I've got a meeting scheduled for Friday with HR and a local transguy who does diversity seminars for local companies.  Hopefully we can do the seminar next week, but I can wait a few more days.  People have gotten accustomed to my diverse wardrobe, and I'm getting compliments from some of the more fashion-conscious women.  I'm pretty much okay with how I'm presenting at work now... but I'd like to wear the occasional skirt or dress without getting dirty looks from co-workers.

[michelle]

Where ever we are transitioning in our life cycle we are faced with potentially awkward moments in our daily lives.   I am retired so I don't face the workplace transitioning experiences.    I am a senior citizen and the parent of a twelve going on a thirteen-year-old boy which he having a transsexual grandma for a father.   We have interactions with his neighborhood friends and their parents as well as interactions at his middle school.  (I have been out full time for the past 8 years).   My partner accepts me as a male who dresses as a woman all the time and she uses my male name Michael instead of Michelle and male pronouns.   However we use the ladies room together and the ladies dressing rooms in clothing stores and we shop together.   I have ditched all my specifically male clothing,  except for shoes.  I am shoe size 15 in women's and I have diabetes 2 so I have to take care of feet.  Finding size 13 male shoes these days is difficult and because we don't have a car my shoes are basically low cut sneakers.   I can't risk sores on my feet because of the chance of gangrene which happened to my grandfather and stepfather.

My driver's licence has an M on it and Michael which I say is pronounced Michelle.   I deal with voting, and jury duty and the ladies bathroom in the Federal Building, the County Building, hospitals, and clinics, as well as fast food places.  This includes having x-rays taken for my hiatal hernia which is acting up.   The x-ray was at the hospital where they didn't know me and again had to see my Driver's license and Medicare insurance card. 

Nothing bad has happened,  but all of this causes uncertainties in my life, where there is potential for conflict either just emotional or maybe physical.  Sometimes anticipating problems and having them not happen is also stressful.   To put things in context I grew up in the Dakotas living on or near Native American Reservations.   I now live in Jacksonville Beach, Florida.   I have all of the old stereotypes of backwoods violent southerners.  We also have the stereotype of violent rural hicks in the Dakotas also.   But the news reports of the Civil Rights days in the South of the 1960s made the Southern stereotype more real.   Of course, where I lived in rural North Dakota,  the Possie Comitatus shot down two Federal Marshals and lots of people carry guns.   While these violent people are in the minority in both the North and the South,  the fear lives on in the back of my mind.   There are also lots of gun deaths in the County I live in.   

So as a transsexual woman who lives in the twilight zone of being accepted as a little old balding toothless gray-haired old granny, or being tolerated on the surface as an eccentric old balding grandpa who dresses as a woman to running the violent aggressive person who cannot accept my existence conflict goes on in the back of my mind every day.

But this is just my struggle as a transsexual grandma, and you have yours on the job,  but when you find a partner who accepts you and children somehow come into the picture you will also have to redefine yourself as a person in the context of your relationship.   If you as a woman still have the male parts to father children,  what will your social role be.

While we are transitioning which will do every moment of our existence through all the Worlds of God,  we will constantly be rewriting the societal concepts of our existence.   I am a woman who has fathered children.   My partner does not accept me as the woman that I am,  while I see myself as another mother, they see me as a feminine male father.

So not transitioning now because now creates too may problems,  many of us who put off transitioning until our 40s, 50s, 60s, etc,  have not found life any simpler.   And our bodies have lived with male hormones doing their worst on our bodies for decades longer than they have on those who transition at younger ages.   

If you are a woman,  sooner or later time will make you deal with it.  Then it's your decision as to how butch or how effeminate your lifestyle will be.