Hormones but presenting as Male

[ItsMarissa]

I'm clearly messed up, but know in my head I have gender dysphoria and have as a result used hormones on and off for 6 years with a degree of both physical and mental success.

However I can never transition. A cop out, maybe. But I just can't ever seeing it happen.

I need help on continuing to be female and dealing with my dysphoria and continuing to present as male. Is there anyone out there (I'm in the uk) who can help me deal with this?

Marissa x



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Mode Edit:Language

[Deborah]

What does it mean to present male?  Is it not wearing a dress or makeup?  If that's it then are a multitude of CIS women presenting male every day?

Or is it not making a public announcement with a name change?  If that's it then as long as you're feeling good and happy the rest is nobody's business.

If it's simply short hair then grow it out and let people wonder and talk.

There are many here dealing with it in this way.


Sapere Aude

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We have a population of people who are in the same place you are. Because of your location, I am unsure if you can receive HRT through the medical system but it should be possible to receive it privately. As for hiding the changes, there will be others around who have been doing it for a long time and can give you the benefit of their advice.

It would help us if you post any questions or special needs so others can give you feed back.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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[AnonyMs]

I've been doing it a bit longer than you, and got to the point of serious depression. I'm trying not to socially transition.

A couple of years ago I increased my HRT level from low dose to a transitioning dose and that's made me feel great. I don't seem to have any social dysphoria, and I've decided to medically transition as far as possible before social transition. The next step would be SRS. After than anything I do would out me, and if it comes to that I'll do the rest as fast as possible and get it over with.

[ItsMarissa]

Thanks for the responses so far.

I'm curious how others have handled the physical changes in life. I'm thinking of sunbathing, swimming, etc and as summer approaches more tight shirts may show my small breasts (off) but I don't know if simply describing it as gynecomastia  will stop the awkward glances that are inevitable.

How have others managed this.


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[AnonyMs]

There's no way I can wear tight shirts, and I don't have much of a social life. And luckily I don't much like the beach as  that's happening. My breasts are maybe C-cup.

[Deborah]

I don't swim.  When I run I wear tight shirts and don't care.  Since my hair is long people don't think a thing of it.  Or if they do they don't show it.


Sapere Aude

[Rebecca]

I feel uncomfortable with the concept of presenting as I'm simply me every single day if that means someone might label me as not trans enough no probs I am me. Most people probably think I'm gay (as they would think it not me) or something and will ultimately decide I am male but it's taking them longer to work me out which is great.

Fortunately for me going off hormones is not an option due to the massive effect they have had on me essentially bringing me back to life.
I will not risk losing myself again given there would be no guarantee of recovery a 2nd time.

In it's simplest way I am female and anything I do will not lessen that.

It is true I am still tagged with a male name Gerry (to my friends Jerri ofc) but that's more for the benefit of other people than me to get them used to the phonetics of my name before the last change.
If someone wants to ask me though I'd be delighted to tell them as I refuse to lie about myself unless my life is threatened, even I have limits.

I type this at my desk in work eating my vegan chilli from my pink bowl, My Little Pony and heart emblazoned phone showing outwards on it's dock and my pink reed diffuser listening to Little Mix. Dyed growing hair, threaded eyebrows with brows & lashes tinted. Dressed in tight female clothing apart from a loose top. Desk drawer with moisturiser, hand cream, lip balm and pink tin of mints with "Princess and I always will be on it". Other drawer with my scented candles and spare reed diffusers. I'm also known for only ever using the ladies bathroom which I have already pinkified.

Nothing special just me being me but part of me is surprised nobody has batted an eyelid as I continue to feminise my workplace.
It's funny how much you can get away with and people will not make a fuss or how much they will pretend not to notice either way works for me.

I have had one almost awkward moment recently simply getting a library card and the first 2 questions were title and gender so I left them blank.
The girl who took my form just smiled and didn't make a thing of it.

More specifically to your topic though I can't go swimming any more as I can't get away with a swimsuit yet and can't go topless either so thats off the list.
Anything else I can just do and people can read me any way they want to so long as they are nice to me.

For the gym I'm sporting a size 8 lycra tank as I like it tight around my body (but not tight enough to squash my breasts) and size 10 running tights with my pink ipod, earphones, socks, trainers and water bottle. Might be noticing a pattern with my fave colour here.
Again nobody cares it's great seems I can do almost anything I want without being quizzed instead of explaining first/announcing then doing it kinda thing.

I do love being me and as soon as people see Jerrica I'll change my docs and keep on doing what I've been doing just the same.