Very scared, need advice.

[tsroxy]

Hello people..

I know, my first topic.. and even my first post, is going to be an insane cry for help. Never in my life I've felt so desperate, I really need advice.

To start with.. I'm a 25 years old male, though, as far as my memory reaches, I've always been a woman. Throughout my entire life, I've been battling major depressions, one of which nearly killed me.
At around age 6, I realised I was different, though, nobody in my environment has the slightest idea. I'm a "very masculine" man, with a healthy appetite for women. I absolutely love women, I adore them, they're the prettiest beings on this planet.. though I often I find myself checking out women in pure jealousy, wishing I were them, wishing I wasn't living a life in a body you can never learn to love, one that just feels alien. From very young on, I started reading transgender fiction, loads of them.. many many nights I would go to bed, wishing I'd wake up as a girl.

Even with all the depressions.. I've always managed to put my feelings aside and just move forward, crawl out of the ditch over and over again.. just to tumble back in, this time it's just different, I'm having sleepless nights, wishing I could cry myself to sleep, but I can't.. researching everything about HRT, transgender in general.. and I completely lost my eating appetite, It' s as if I have lost the fight of denial.

I'm a good looking guy, though on the small side with 5,6" in height.. and a bum many girls would kill for, are the only things that are really on my side if I ever were to transition.. I can't see my facial structure being feminine, I am carrying a little overweight right now though..

But the thought of doing so scares the hell out of me, I work as a maintenance technician for crying out loud. I love my job too. I'm scared to come out to my friends and family, I'm scared to come out to myself, the thought of becoming a woman scares me.. because I put everything at risk, I don't even know if I'd look acceptable being one, it's such a rough road for a very unstable person, which I am.

I've went from 223 lbs to 175 now.. in a course of 3 months. I'm running the living hell out of my body to weight 143lbs, not just to see if I could pass as a woman, also to keep somewhat happy. I'd slip in a deep depression, again, if I didn't. I really feel I need to transition, because this will undoubtly get me killed at some point. I am just so tired of pretending.. but then again, NOBODY would suspect any of this from me.. I appear to be very masculine, though I look rather cute than masculine.. it's generally my behaviour, my love for women. Whatever I do, people are going to be shocked.. and I don't even have the slightest idea how to be a woman, other than some "online pretending" I've done.. don't judge, wasn't nice to do .. but atleast I could be who I really am.

I hope there are people with similar experiences that are able to help me, by sharing what they did, how they approached things..

Thank you,
Roxy

[KyleEdric]

First of all, welcome to one of the safest places for trans folks of every type, Susan's.

Second, lemme tell you a story. I'ma year older than you, lived as female for a great deal of my life, and never really started questioning whether or not I was actually happy being female very much. I had little moments here and there, but I often forced myself to forget about them. It wasn't until two years ago when I sorted everything out in my head, decided that being male was definitely for me, and so I came out.

My mom was accepting, but since I never showed signs as a little kid that I wanted to be male, she obviously questioned me. However, she's supportive. The rest of my family is, too once I explained it to them. The only hold out is my older sister but my mom is certain she'll come around sooner or later.

So I think the only question you have to ask is, "Is my family pretty liberal?" if not, coming out might be a bit more difficult, but there are resources on this site for how to come out to friends. Believe me,I was terrified. The last friend I had to come out to, I felt like I was on my way to the guillotine before I broke the news to him; we had DATED which made it twice as nerve wracking to tell him. But he was cool with it in the end.

Sometimes, you just gotta take a leap of faith with this. Tell a close friend how you feel.

What do you feel inside? Is it genuine? If it is, then no one is going to take that from you.

Good luck to you.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Roxy,
It sounds like you are in the right place (this forum). So much of what you said is familiar to me and I'm sure others here. I hear the panic in your words. First realize that things don't progress all in one day. Things are a bit less scary if you realize you can take things a step at a time to figure out what is right for you. Many people who have male to female feelings are attracted to woman. They are two separate issues. Talking to someone like a gender therapist could be a positive thing for you. I know the feelings are powerful. (I hid them for 50 years.) Know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone in these feelings either. If you find that you must transition, you have time to adjust to the changes. You will be surprised at what you will be able to do if you set your mind to it. Believe me, it is possible for things to turn out well for you.
Moni

[Jacqueline]

Roxy,

Welcome to the site. It is a safe place and we have many people with a lot of very different experiences. While no one's story is the same, I recognize many aspects of your intro. Thanks for sharing such an intimate set of truths. It takes some bravery to do that.

I would highly suggest a therapist as well. A gender therapist is preferred but a general one can usually get you started in the right direction. They are there to help you get through this maze of challenges, denial, acceptance and then maybe how to proceed.

It is all very scary. I have shown signs since I was 8 or 9 but like some others either didn't get it or denied till last year. At 50, I hit a wall of depression and had to do something.

I have come out to my wife of 25 years and my oldest of three daughters(18). I came out to some friends and all of my medical contacts. However, I do not present female yet(although almost all the clothes I wear now were purchased from the women's department). I am not out at work. I am not out to my parents or siblings. I think it is coming but I have been moving very slowly.

Enough about me. I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. There are a lot of us out there. I also wanted to share some links with you. They include some welcome info for new members as well as the rules that govern the site. If you have not read them yet please take a moment to do so:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. I hope you find what you are looking for. Don't be afraid to ask questions and join in when you can.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We all face fear and we all have problems we need to work out to be comfortable in public. In finding this site you have found a large group of people who can help you work through your problems. Therapy is the first step because that will help you with your fears but while you are doing that, we can help you work through the rest of it. When you post, make sure you spell out any problems you are facing and often in a few hours you will receive several helpful replies. If there is anything I can help you with, let me know. I am post surgical 33 years and if I don't know the answer, I might be able to help you find it.

[hibiki]

Hello Roxy,

I guess I am in the same position as you. My family is conservative and I live in a pretty conservative country as well. Gender therapist can be expensive, however, I have told myself that I would need to go and see one later this year. For the moment, I have came out to a two of my friends who accepted who I am. I have been going out with them and they treated me as another girl when we go out, which in some sense, satisfy my inner needs. I personally did not tell my best friends as I have grown up with them and i am still not comfortable in telling them something that will impact how they see me.

With regards to the research, I have done quite a bit as well, and have already planned out, which therapist to go to, which country and clinic to go to for the specific surgeries.  I think it is natural for us to search for these things, as to me, it is a way out. I do get depressed sometimes (maybe quite often), over not being able to transition and really live my life. But sometimes I know its just hormones that is affecting your mind and at that point we are not clear headed. Give it a good cry if needed and do not be impulsive. Make your decisions when you are clear headed.

Hugs

[tsroxy]

Thank you all for the overwhelming feedback. The post took me 5 minutes to type out,
but almost a hour before I had the guts to post it, but straight after I felt a huge sense of relief
and actually slept good for the first time in a long time.

It's definitely not hormones, it's a genuine thing I have been blocking my entire life due to shame.
I saw my younger brother coming out of the closet, being gay.. and my family wasn't very supportive, imagine
their last other child coming out being a woman and the fact I am attracted to only girls.. or mostly girls, I remember
one occasion that was different, but then again, very rare a guy would trigger me.

Signs were very apparant, as a little child I mostly played with girls, one occasion I remember one of them (me being 9)
say "Hey, you sway your hips like a girl." I was so shocked and traumatised by that one event, I sat on a bench that entire week
during breaks..

I KNOW I'm stuck in the wrong body, the only thing on my mind is, do I keep ignoring it, live a life full of depressions..
or do I transition, maybe not turn out so well and live a lonely life too.. and my age pressures me a lot, 25 is pretty late for a change,
but I think do-able.

Either paths scare the hell out of me, I have so much to lose both ways..

[stephaniec]

age, the conundrum of us all, What I'd give to have transitioned before 30 or 40 years old.

[MeghanMe]

Hi Roxy, it's a scary decision that you're making. None of what you say about yourself makes it sound like you *shouldn't* transition. And what you say about how you feel (and how you hang onto the little things where people tell you you're like a woman) says you might want to.

Twenty-five is later than sixteen, sure. But it sure is good compared to forty-six!

Whatever you decide, I hope you can be happy.

[tsroxy]

I'm just scared that I'll end up with a body I feel even more awkward in, very concerned due to the fact I'm 25 already.

I'm "lucky" I have hips as a man, "lucky" to have nice full thighs too.. but I'm also naturally pretty muscled all over my body.. without ever hitting the gym, does muscle disappear with HRT? The only real concerns I have is messing up my body, transitioning failing and well.. I've a pretty good standard to look at, my sister.. we're like twins, everyone keeps telling me that's me in female form, makes me warm and fuzzy inside.. but then again, this is all very scary.

I really want this but at the same time it's cutting off my breath. (even more)

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

You could try a few changes to hair and clothing style, and see how they make you feel ...
I'd say listen to a feeling of joy.

An experienced gender therapist would be an idea, there are also online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

I'm just scared that I'll end up with a body I feel even more awkward in, very concerned due to the fact I'm 25 already.

I'm "lucky" I have hips as a man, "lucky" to have nice full thighs too.. but I'm also naturally pretty muscled all over my body.. without ever hitting the gym, does muscle disappear with HRT?

Yes many people report muscles shrinking.

The only real concerns I have is messing up my body, transitioning failing and well..

Many people start out with a low dose which leaves no permanent changes, and the first weeks see how it makes them feel. Psychological changes are among the first and many report a feeling of relief.


hugs

[tsroxy]

Thank you Laura!

[HappyMoni]

Roxy,
Hi again! I told you this place would help with some answers. As I read your posts I can almost feel you arguing with yourself. "Should I have these feelings or should I feel like my parents want me to feel." Now, I am not saying what I think you should do, but you must know that these feelings can not be turned off like a faucet. There are no decisions that will only have good aspects to them. From a perspective of running from my feelings for 50 years, I will tell you that I regret not being true to myself earlier. Your parents were given their lives to live, right? They did what is best for themselves. You have the right to do what is right for you, live genuinely. As for worrying about your body as a woman, you may never be perfectly happy, but what cis woman is perfectly satisfied with their body. It comes with the territory (my wife tells me all the time. lol) What I will tell you is that answers are helped by real life experiences. For years I didn't know if I really was transgender. It wasn't until I started taking steps that I said, "Yeah this is right. Wow, yeah this is soooo right for me." I say think about taking some steps and watch how you feel about it. Keep in mind, you may have a part of your mind telling you you should be ashamed. You will have to sort it out. You have time. You are way young. Heck even finding yourself at 58 is still pretty fantastic.
Moni

[tsroxy]

Thank you so much Moni. You're point on with all you said. I'm very scared of what people would think,
how I'd come along.. for losing my job.. at my work I'm considered the cool technician who everybody likes,
women chitchat about me everyday. Everybody's jaw would drop hard, for years I've put on a perfect façade of manliness.
To the point I tell myself "walk like a man, be tough.", I always watch my step.

[tsroxy]

I've come to terms with myself, first I need to lose a lot more weight (10kg atleast),
which I plan to do in two months, when I reach that goal I'll find a therapist.. can't find any
gender specific one though, only a team of doctors thatll assist you, starting with therapy,
but this already scares me, I'd like just therapy and see what would be my best option.

Seen many people transition around 25yo and well past and they turned out great,
makes me think I could start enjoying life at around 30.. Feeling hopeful, not less scared though.

Many doubts still in my mind, I question myself all the time.. and shame.. ugh..

[tsroxy]

Does a "genderteam" force you to live as a woman pre-hrt??
I read it somewhere and thats just scary, I would like to
-if I were to transition- stay a man until I'm passable as a woman.

I don't have the courage to dress as a woman in this body wow!


Edit: I read even more scary stuff.. people being denied HRT.. I would be devastated if I'd go and get denied
and I have the feeling if they judge so harsh that I will get denied, I've lived my life 100% as a women crazy
guy and kept these feelings locked inside, not even my family would believe me at this point if I told them,
I literally got nothing feminine about me, other than my soft character & very emotional etc :/

Pff, stress..

[ActionLiz]

Does a "genderteam" force you to live as a woman pre-hrt??
I read it somewhere and thats just scary, I would like to
-if I were to transition- stay a man until I'm passable as a woman.

I don't have the courage to dress as a woman in this body wow!

Pff, stress..

Hi, Roxy!  Welcome to Susan's!

I live in New Hampshire, so your mileage may vary depending on your location, but in the US no reputable gender therapist will demand that you live as a woman prior to receiving HRT.  This *used* to be more common years ago, but thankfully it's changed and the WPATH standards of care (which all providers should use to guide their treatment of transgender patients) make it clear that you can start HRT without transitioning socially first.

This *should* be the same worldwide, but I'll let our members from other countries speak to their personal experience there.

Hugs,
Liz

[tsroxy]

Yeah thing is.. I'm from Europe and the country I'm from only has one hospital (yes, a hospital) with a genderteam assigned to it. I even read if you qualify for HRT, you should be sterilized first.. like what the hell, isn't that a violation of human rights or something? Not that I want children but I'd like to keep that decision up to me and not have it forced on me, wow?

[ActionLiz]

Yeah thing is.. I'm from Europe and the country I'm from only has one hospital (yes, a hospital) with a genderteam assigned to it. I even read if you qualify for HRT, you should be sterilized first.. like what the hell, isn't that a violation of human rights or something? Not that I want children but I'd like to keep that decision up to me and not have it forced on me, wow?

Yikes!! I've never heard that one before.  I'm really sorry.  I don't understand why anyone would recommend that.

It's definitely true that HRT itself often has a sterilising effect, so if you want to keep your options open I'd recommend looking into sperm banking.  This is what I'm doing right now -- the wife and I want to add at least one more to the team at some point, so we're not taking any chances.

[tsroxy]

I don't want children but I don't feel they have the right to force that upon you!
Belgium by the way, anyone familiar?? The genderteam wants to examine you
for a year before you even have a chance with HTR, I dont want to lose another year.