Very scared, need advice.

[freebrady2015]

There is a guy on here who lives in Belgium, he is waiting to get on hormones. Maybe he will chime in and help you. However, I'm certain that in Belgium there is no requirement to be sterilized to get on hormones. I just think it's a long wait and there is some amount of what in the US we would consider gatekeeping.

I know there are European countries (like the one where I have my passport from) that won't allow you to change gender on your identification without having had GRS. But that is only to legally be a woman or a man, not to actually physically transition.

I had similar fears as you (I'm FTM btw) of not wanting to socially transition prior to physical, but I have since started taking lots of steps and love how I feel as I present more and more masculine. So I will second everyone's advice and say that you should slowly but steadily start taking small steps to see how you feel as you do things that are more feminine.

-Joel

[tsroxy]

Thank you Joel.

I knew Belgium couldn't suck THAT much so I did some better research.. you can get around the genderteam, you just need a qualified psychiatrist and I found some addresses.. and they need to give you a referral letter in order to get HRT. Also healthcare covers most of the transitioning.

I'm very sure I want this, now I only need to find the guts to deal with it, I don't want to throw it into the open until I have no choice anymore (during HRT), so I won't have people trying to talk me out of it and make it even harder on me.

Now very focused on losing weight, currently 176 lbs at 5,6".. is there like an ideal weight to start HRT with? I definitely need to get rid of some muscle ugh.. my lower legs are freaking cyclist legs, they're the heaviest part of my body. >_<

[HappyMoni]

Roxy,
Hi again! HRT after 11 months has given me a different look. I am less muscular and a bit more curvy. Being large on the bottom is a good thing. I wish I was. What I really wanted to say is about fear. I hear a lot of fear in you. There are some good books on dealing with fear. For me, I have faced a lot of fears to get where I am. I will soon have facial surgery and go full time right after. Am I afraid, no! I'm terrified! Am I brave to transition, no. I am just more afraid of living a miserable life as a guy. I deal with the fear by not letting it stop what I want to do. Refuse to let it paralyze you. Don't lie to yourself, saying I'll do it when the fear goes away. It won't ever go away. Do what you must do while being afraid. You will feel great after and then deal with the next fear.
As far as shocking everyone, no one guessed I was transgender. I've told about 200 people between family, friends, and work. At first it was hard. After a while I started to enjoy telling people. It wasn't a big deal any more. Just remember, taken a step at a time, you will surprise yourself with what you can do.
Moni

[tsroxy]

Thank you again Moni, your comments really help me a lot.
Large at the bottom, also quite large at the top sadly.. fear is
the only thing holding me back, god wish I knew about transitioning
and the possibilities years ago before I went throught puberty.

I fear that I'd never be able to pass as a woman, if my decision was made
I think I'd rather live misserable then lonely in that case.. :/ Ive female friends
who are larger at top then I am though but I carry a lot of muscles..... I dont know
how to lose them, theyre natural, except for a lot of cardio I dont work out.

Except for emotionally and mentally being locked up in a cage, I wouldn't even know
how to properly behave as a woman, so many hard mannerisms cooked into me, it'd be
a massive throw around.

[Rebecca]

Not many people know about me tbh as it doesn't really come up in conversation so I just live and grow as me with no excuses or intro.

I don't really expect any problems for me with people knowing but their discomfort would be harder to deal with as I'm a pretty good reader.

If they just see me change slowly and get used to my new name it will be easier for them when I make my last name change. Then keep doing what I'm doing already.

If asked I'll tell them straight then it's name change o'clock if not I'll probably end up just spilling at some point as I'm not very good at waiting.

Back on topic nobody says you have to wave any flags so you can still just keep doing what you want while changes happen. As and when you want to tell people go for it and if not you can stay under the radar pretty much indefinitely but as with everything else it's your call.

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

A few things. The hospital in Belgium should be following the WPATH standards of care, you can download them through Google and they are on the wiki here.

The next International WPATH conference is in Amsterdam in June, one task is to make sure allied countries follow the SOC and have education programs for family doctors in place.

NO ONE has to live as a female or male to get HRT. Forced sterilisation is against the European Law. It is illegal. The hospital you mention know this and do not advocate it. One of the world leading trans endocrinologists works at that hospital.

You are young. I transitioned at 58 and I have been incredibly successful, 25!!!! I only could wish.

Keep to your dreams and live them.

You can do this.

I did.

[tsroxy]

Thank you so much Cindy. Aren't they harsh in selection though? I read about people being
rejected HRT, if you'd see me in real life you wouldn't have a clue I'm transgender, I beat any actor or
actrice on TV.. I've 100% commited myself to living as a male, thinking my feelings were weird and abnormal behaviour..

Visually or by my behaviour you wouldn't notice anything feminine about me, it scares me thinking they wouldnt take me
seriously. A guy at work just told me a TG joke, so awkward, all you can do is smirk. -_-

Also the 1 year therapy prior to HRT bugs me, is it true in the hospital? I can't wait another year, already am late with 25.

[ryokohimura]

Also the 1 year therapy prior to HRT bugs me, is it true in the hospital? I can't wait another year, already am late with 25.

There is no "year required therapy", according to the WPATH. If I'm wrong, someone can correct me but this very thing was the subject of my first post here. The individual therapist might require to be certain in their observations, but this seems to be going away fast. I came out in October of 2015 and started HRT in January of 2016. Best! Thing! Ever!

Hmmm...I'm tempted to post a pic comparison of myself. I'm still worried that I won't pass, even though personality-wise I'm already passing really well. (My name is Cassie, not Kathy.) I was manly as they come and 50 lbs (23 kg) overweight. It was only the last picture where I noticed "Hey, I'm pretty cute". I've been keeping a record of my transition and one thing I do is take a picture once a month, plus the one pre-HRT photo.

[tsroxy]

You can PM me the picture if you'd like, I'll pm you what I currently look like. Don't feel comfortable throwing myself on the internet since I'm not out to anyone yet (and not sure if I ever will be >_< )

I'm manly, quite petite for a man with only 5,6.. broad shoulders and broad body in general though, heavy bone structure (though the last time I was "skinny", I was probably 18 years old. Can't remember how I look like without the extra kg's I'm carrying)

[tsroxy]

Just wrote an email to the hospital, explaining my situation and asking questions such as therapy duration prior to HRT,
feel very excited about this, hope they come back at me soon!

I hope when I start hrt I'll be able to pass, I've a rather cute than masculine face (which Ive always masked with a beard, else
I just look boyish and younger than 25 BUT I have a quite blocky figure which I hope are mostly muscles and fat, my legs are so freaking muscular despite running EVERYDAY, cant shrink them.

[JoanneB]

You're far from alone in your feelings about passing. Many of were there. The following is from an older thread:
At 6ft tall, ugly as sin, almost as bald as a cue ball, super-sized super orbital ridges, big feet, frog hands, and deeper then the average males voice, I experimented with transitioning twice in my past, both times utter fails. A lot due to attitude. I never allowed my self to put those "Some Guy" in a dress thoughts in the rubbish bin where they belong.

Almost 30 years latter about the positive physical change is being an inch shorter. Emotionally a lot has changed. However, I also put in the extra time to have as unambiguous female presentation as possible. Loving girlie-girl is a plus. I also do casual like jeans, when more appropriate.

Perhaps it's luck, but I haven't been mis-gendered yet nor had any of the confrontations I did 30 years ago. Today when I do get those lingering a tad too long stares I chalk them up to looking pretty good for an old bat rather then the immediate going negative response I had. I am sure the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me has a lot to do with looking at the positive side.

Becoming involved with a support grout, eventually a therapist to help with a lifetime of baggage, a ton of self help books, getting in touch with my spirituality, plus going back on low dose HRT all led to Joanne venturing out into the light of day as a true self. What a joyous day that was and still is

[Denise]

...
I saw my younger brother coming out of the closet, being gay.. and my family wasn't very supportive,
...

I didn't see any other reply addressing coming out to your family, so I'll throw in my two cents (sorry American expression).  I suspect that your younger brother might be someone you could talk to. 

In my case I had my gender challenges bottled up until I was 53.  I came out to my sister (6 years older than me) and we talked for hours and hours.  It was very therapeutic and she has become my go-to person when I need to scream in both frustration and in excitement.

About two weeks ago I was questioning everything.  I told her everything that was going on in my head and after we talked and I explained my concerns I found that they were unfounded.  I've been totally at peace and have felt  wonderful since then.

My therapist is $125/hour and 90 miles (145 km) on the other side of Chicago so getting to see her is expensive and challenging.  My sister, although not an expert, is someone I can talk to and not be judged.  Your brother may be just the ally you need.

[tsroxy]

Sadly that is out of the question, he broke ties with everyone including me, though I did support him all the way. (He came out to me first.)
Situation is different too, even tough I struggle with dysphoria, I don't want people seeing me as a gay guy, I'm hetero, in this body atleast.
Not sure how he could help me, he probably wouldn't understand, I hide all feminity pretty well. First question anyone would ask me is my
sexuality I think.. and they wouldn't understand when I tell them I like women.

(though I don't know what would happen if I were to transition, I always imagined myself being the girl when.. sexy time.. even with my girlfriends, is that weird? In my body right now it's a BIG no though, no no no. )

[Laura_7]

My therapist is $125/hour and 90 miles (145 km) on the other side of Chicago so getting to see her is expensive and challenging.  My sister, although not an expert, is someone I can talk to and not be judged.  Your brother may be just the ally you need.

There are online therapists who can also write letters:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Alternatively you might ask her if she would consider skype sessions.


hugs

[tsroxy]

Ughhhhh.. so I sent an email to the hospital the other day, "anonymously" telling them my story, background, personal information, only thing I didn't throw on the table yet was my real name.. now SOMEHOW, they responded using not only my real name, but the full initials. The type of name you'd only get one match of in the world (or facebook will do), a name like "Don Pablo Juan Mkay ToobadIknowyourfullname". So okay, they know who I am, my identity, my story, everything.. not that bad you'd think, except that their response mail came from some random dude that accidently got their response email coupled with my original email. He went like "oh uhm. Hey, this seems important. *full email and response*. I'm so freaking embarrassed, come on now hospital.. =_=

[Dena]

If the name was in the message body, you are correct. If the name was in the header (from field), the email program adds that after the message is received if it wasn't sent.

[tsroxy]

Yea, I didn't know, its a mail I use to avoid spam on my real one but its also linked to my YouTube account, thats where they got the name from. This thing put me off from responding though, I wanted to stay anonymous until I got everything figured out before dropping bombs.

How can they send such a private topic to a random person and respond to thè mail with my full name when I finished the mail "anonymously for now". :/

[Laura_7]

Yea, I didn't know, its a mail I use to avoid spam on my real one but its also linked to my YouTube account, thats where they got the name from. This thing put me off from responding though, I wanted to stay anonymous until I got everything figured out before dropping bombs.

How can they send such a private topic to a random person and respond to thè mail with my full name when I finished the mail "anonymously for now". :/

Well you have  a few options:

-you could answer reiterating this needs to be kept confidential and you would like to make your mind up until you feel ready

-you could make a totally new account unconnected to you and start anew.


hugs

[Denise]

If you had ever communicated with the hospital (or even your Dr) by email or gave it to them on a form, it was automatically tied to your account when you sent it in.  It's too late now, but I setup a separate email account on Yahoo.com for all things Trans* related.  Until I'm out, I'll use that email address with a pseudo-name (such as PJ) attached.

Sorry this happened to you.  Keep in mind that you are not alone, there are probably many transgender people who frequent that hospital.  I don't think you have a reason to be embarrassed.  You are who you are.  As I'm learning - Be proud of who you are.

In the US we have very strict laws about medical information being very private.  The HIPAA laws are, IMO, more strict than our banking laws.  Sending something like that through email is a no-no.

[tsroxy]

No, I've never been to any hospital in my life, ever.. and they responded to my email, but they sent their response to the wrong person, I don't know how they could mess that up. :/

So some random guy I don't know, knows everything about me now, he was nice enough to forward the email to me.. but I've been so embarrassed about this I still haven't replied.

This mail I used is also a "fake" email, used when I sign up somewhere, to avoid spam on my main one.. somehow it has all my details to it, so they got my full name even though I tried to stay anonymous.