I feel sad

[kallaran]

I look in the mirror each day and see the person that I don't want to be and think about the person that I could be or could have been. Maybe I wouldn't have the masculine appearance that I have now , if steps could have been taken earlier to prevent it. It's hard to think about wanting to be more beautiful but have to put up with feeling dissatisfied with myself each day. It's also hard taking these forced haircuts that I don't really want.

I wish everyday was about making progress to become more feminine not more masculine.

I am beginning to wonder if there is even happiness possible for me , if everyday is in unrelenting sadness and thinking constantly about who I am.

I try to make these thoughts of mine dormant but they won't leave my mind long enough for me to not feel miserable.

I can't ignore how I feel and expect to not to feel weighed down as I continue on with life. A life with not much desirability from me..

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help you:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

You could grow your hair out, keeping it in a ponytail in guy mode.
If people ask many say they like the hairstyle of lord of the rings.

A few nice womens trousers might be an idea .. not over the top just a nice style.

An experienced gender therapist could help, there are also online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

You might aks at plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or PFLAG for counseling ...

I'd say do a few things that give you a feeling to move in the right direction.
Try to avoid a seesaw pattern with supression and breakthroughs.

Just do a few things... Its a step by step process, just do the next step.


hugs

[kallaran]

Here are a few resources that could help you:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

You could grow your hair out, keeping it in a ponytail in guy mode.
If people ask many say they like the hairstyle of lord of the rings.

A few nice womens trousers might be an idea .. not over the top just a nice style.

An experienced gender therapist could help, there are also online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

You might aks at plannedparenthood, a lgbt center or PFLAG for counseling ...

I'd say do a few things that give you a feeling to move in the right direction.
Try to avoid a seesaw pattern with supression and breakthroughs.

Just do a few things... Its a step by step process, just do the next step.


hugs

But it's like my family hates the idea of me having hair especially since a moment in time.

That's drastic change from way that I dress now and would be noticeable.

I don't think I could much with gender therapist while I am doing best to keep up image for people and those two things potentially clashing with one another won't end well for me.

It seems like every step has repercussions for me and holding onto the pain is better but unbearable to keep doing.

I hate the way that I am currently but don't wish to be seen as a disappointment to anyone. The fact that I might have to cut ties with my family one day is painful.

I don't know what to do with myself.

[Dena]

I am uncertain of your age and what you mean by your family but most of us reach a point where in order to survive, we have to put ourself first. When you reach that point, your family will have to decide if they will accept you or if they are going to reject you. If you can see a gender therapist, I suggest you do it as soon as possible or you may reach the point where your life is in danger.

You are not a disappoint to anybody. You were born with a condition that you have attempted to suppress for years. Seeking treatment is the responsible solution because it can be treated and you will go on to live a better life. Continuing to suppress it will only isolate you from society.

[Laura_7]

But it's like my family hates the idea of me having hair especially since a moment in time.

That's drastic change from way that I dress now and would be noticeable.

I don't think I could much with gender therapist while I am doing best to keep up image for people and those two things potentially clashing with one another won't end well for me.

It seems like every step has repercussions for me and holding onto the pain is better but unbearable to keep doing.

I hate the way that I am currently but don't wish to be seen as a disappointment to anyone. The fact that I might have to cut ties with my family one day is painful.

I don't know what to do with myself.

You might try to go to a lgbt center, PFLAG or plannedparenthood and ask for couseling, or a referral to a gender therapist.

As said there are also online therapists. Nobody from outside is supposed to notice at this point.
You could talk to a therapist, and talk with them about further steps.
They may also help coming out and explain to people.
And people may surprise you, sometimes people are accepting.

Someone said if its posible to talk to people on a deep level it may be more likely. So it may be a possibility to first work on improving that, if it seems desirable or of some use.

Wearing a pair or trousers for women for example which fit and are in an unobtrusive style may not make that much difference looks wise.
But knowing may bring some kind of joy.

If you feel like it please reach out ...

there are helplines:
www.translifeline.org


hugs

[kallaran]

I am uncertain of your age and what you mean by your family but most of us reach a point where in order to survive, we have to put ourself first. When you reach that point, your family will have to decide if they will accept you or if they are going to reject you. If you can see a gender therapist, I suggest you do it as soon as possible or you may reach the point where your life is in danger.

You are not a disappoint to anybody. You were born with a condition that you have attempted to suppress for years. Seeking treatment is the responsible solution because it can be treated and you will go on to live a better life. Continuing to suppress it will only isolate you from society.

What I mean by family is that they are highly religious people and hold me to be a certain way.

I was much younger got caught crossdressing and got years of flak for it. I got punished for it , they called bunch of things I won't repeat. Making sure I appeared to their standards was apart of whole thing.

I think they already have glimpse that I am not the person that they expect me to be but they still pressure me to be that person anyway.

I think other families would have forced me to go to church to get "redeemed" how they see fit or sent to therapist but they shunned me and made sure that I wouldn't live it down.

And about my age if it matters , I am in my early twenties and not in great place in my life right now as it is and that's probably only reason I have to put up with them. I guess that is big failure on my part.

I have many struggles but none has followed me for this long.

I wish I could say that my life isn't already in danger.

[kallaran]

You might try to go to a lgbt center, PFLAG or plannedparenthood and ask for couseling, or a referral to a gender therapist.

As said there are also online therapists. Nobody from outside is supposed to notice at this point.
You could talk to a therapist, and talk with them about further steps.
They may also help coming out and explain to people.
And people may surprise you, sometimes people are accepting.

Someone said if its posible to talk to people on a deep level it may be more likely. So it may be a possibility to first work on improving that, if it seems desirable or of some use.

Wearing a pair or trousers for women for example which fit and are in an unobtrusive style may not make that much difference looks wise.
But knowing may bring some kind of joy.

If you feel like it please reach out ...

there are helplines:
www.translifeline.org


hugs

I'll try to reach but I can't say that I am not afraid.

[Laura_7]

I'll try to reach but I can't say that I am not afraid.

You are not the only one, there are many who have done this and succeeded.

I'd say don't overthink.
Its a step by step process. Just do the next step and keep going.

hugs

[HappyMoni]

Dear Kallaran,
First of all my heart goes out to you and the pain you are feeling. It is very familiar to me. I repressed my feelings for 50 years and now I am transitioning. I was convinced everyone in my life would hate me when I told them. I am very lucky that no one has. My feminine nature was a complete surprise to everyone. I do not pretend to know your situation, but people can surprise you. When people love you and you explain the pain that you are in, many times people just want their loved one to be happy. Of course you have to judge this. I hear you making a lot of negative assumptions. Talking to someone could help you see if they are realistic or not. I think you know the answer of how you feel when you live your life for everyone else's benefit. It is very risky sometimes to be true to yourself. I will tell you one thing, I strongly doubt that your feelings will go away by ignoring them. Good luck to you!
Moni

[HappyMoni]

Kallaran,
I  just saw your post on your family situation. The religion thing is so hard to deal with. I wonder if you are on your own financially or are you dependent on family? In your situation, I would be seeking independence in order to build a life for myself. It seems to me that you need to gain more control of your life. Then you can make changes that you want and the family can accept or not. At the same time, you can start building a network of people who are supportive of the real you. Just don't give in to despair. Things can take a while, but if you start taking steps to empower yourself, you will feel better. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. Anyone who would shun a loved one, now they have a problem. It can work out okay, but you have to work at it and believe it can happen.
Moni