Family and Using the wrong name plus surgery wait times.

[LaurenSparkle]

Hi, I've been having a problem with my family and understanding the issues.

I've not been diagnosed with anything but have been told that there could be a underline problem, Asperger's i've been told i might have but on that i've been using my name Lauren for over a year but my family keeps saying HE and my old name. I didn't think it was going to effect me the way it has but i've tried ignoring it but i cant anymor iv'e tried calling for help from them and tried to explain the pain i feel but its either been down played by them or ignored.

It actually gives me physical pain and starting to pile up on me i've had a break down before my HRT about 8 months before hand because of the wait time and the feeling of being stuck but i can feel another coming on from the feeling of not being accepted well thats how it feel anyway. As soon as my mum or that say He or My old name it feels so painful i cant explain it on that they treat me as if im still male which i hate and can't stand. I have no way of trying to explain to them what its doing to me.

I've resorted to turning my phone off as i'm just venting to her trying to get her to understand but she seems to ignore me. I've spent a good hour crying it always seems to be a set of words that triggers me off that i write or think of and thats what gets me into a state. im happy im on HRT and the person i want to be but i can't deal with being reminded of the person i used to be.

I also want to have the Surgery sooner then the 2 year life experience as they are causing me some serious issues like big time mental torture. I really can't wait that long i dont want them i need them gone it's hurting me. I don't know how to get past the NHS stupid waiting and just get them gone before my HRT is complete as I don't want to change my mind trust me its not happening not after the pain it's caused me for the past 20 years. I really, really, REALLY want them gone ASAP. any info on how or any support stuff would be great as i'm lost and dont see a way to get past it faster as i know the further i go into HRT the worse and more abnormal it going to be.

Sorry if this is heavy for here but there really isn't anywhere else.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Have you done a legal name change? People seem more likely to use your name when it's on paper. Regarding HRT and surgery, unfortunately, you're not likely to jump the queue, unless you have a ton of money and can go private. It's a long march we all have to make, know that you're among friends who understand what you're going through. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[LaurenSparkle]

Hey Devlyn, Thanks for the reply.

I legally changed my name and gender over a year ago and all my documents are under as Lauren and female. Same as with my NHS which is under as a female and my drivers licence as well so the only legal document i haven't changed is my birth certificate.

It just leaves my family now that keeps referring to my old name and that but trying to explain it to them isn't easy as i can't find the right words for the feelings it causes.

The surgery thing isn't too hopeful then. :/ I guess i can resort to other ways of hiding it for now.

[Devlyn]

I worked with a woman whose daughter had changed her name. She wasn't using the new name on the basis of "That isn't what I named her." I told her that we have the right to name someone.... until they're 18. After that, people are free to choose their own name. I followed that up with "It's disrespectful. You use my new name (I transitioned on the job), and I assure you that if you go back to calling me Mike, there's going to be a big to-do."

Now, I'm not saying that was what changed her mind, but she did start using her daughter's new name. Parents can be tricky. You'll always be their baby. But most of them do like to see us happily living our lives, and making our own decisions. 

The tactic of saying "Who?" in a surprised tone every time your old name is mentioned seems to work pretty good, too. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[NatalieRene]

When I first was transitioning my Mom slipped all the time and in the worst possible public moments. But she was trying and she was so used to calling me by my previous name and using the other set of pronouns. So,times we have to give our loved ones time to adjust.

My Mom also fought my transition tooth and nail. Going so far as to schedule a quack therapist that said he could fix me. I don't blame my Mom because for her she was losing a son, her only one at that. Eventually she came around.

My question is are they trying to adjust to using she and Lauren or are they refusing to even try? If they are refusing then maybe you need to focus on you for a while and deal with them later if ever.

Maybe things have changed but back in 2010 it was a one year thing before SRS was open to me. Another year seems unnecessary. Is that just the waiting list? I saved my money up and worked an extra job to pay for SRS myself. It's not always possible but you might consider it to help speed the process up.

Hugs

[sarah1972]

I do believe NHS only requires one year RLE (https://www.ngicns.scot.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Conditions-to-be-Placed-on-Surgical-Waiting-List.pdf). However my understanding is, that they have a lot of other wait times for pretty much anything. If you consider the date you legally changed your name as the start of RLE, you have already completed that requirement.

Some already mentioned potentially having to look outside. I know this may not be possible due to financial constraints.

I hope everything works out for you!

Hugs,

Sarah

[tgchar21]

I worked with a woman whose daughter had changed her name. She wasn't using the new name on the basis of "That isn't what I named her."

Was she transgender or did she change her name for other reasons?

[Devlyn]

Was she transgender or did she change her name for other reasons?

She was not transgender, she moved from Massachusetts to Israel and changed her name from Stacey to Hinda because she wanted something more culturally appropriate.