I don't know what to do

[williamspace]

So I'm a pre-everything FTM. I identified as asexual because I honestly have no desire for sex. Well this past week I slept with the same cis, straight guy twice. In bed, he'd call me my name and not my birth name and even talked about me being a man. However today we got into it because he says he's 100% straight and will never be with a man and on his list of sexual endeavors, counted me as a woman because I have the parts.

Needless to say I've spent the time I've been here at work crying in the bathroom. He's now too pissed to talk to me and I'm certain our friendship will never be the same. But he's also the, like only one here at work who tries with my pronouns. And so, that's gone.

And I guess I'm just lost, for lack of a better word. I finally have sex with someone I liked and then it blows up in my face and I'm hating being trans, wishing I was cis because then everything would've been fine.

I don't know, I guess I'm just complaining or looking for support or something. I hope you all are having a better day.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We all go through this and unfortunately our only options are a trade off. We can transition but we have to give some of the things we could have and or we can stay were we are and have to live with the discomfort. I suggest that you start looking for a gender therapist where you can explore this at a far deeper level. Some people are able to find a compromise that works for them but it takes time and a good deal more discussion. Feel free to export the site. You will find the guy hang out in the FTM section most of the time so questions specific to that are best answered there. You may post anywhere on the site where you feel comfortable.

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[williamspace]

Oh goodness! I didn't realize there was a section for FTMs... I still can't find it. I'll definitely repost if I can find it! Sorry about that. 

[Ms Grace]

Hi, welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope things work out.

And I guess I'm just lost, for lack of a better word. I finally have sex with someone I liked and then it blows up in my face...

I'm not being glib or sarcastic but that describes the first sexual encounter of the vast majority of people - cis or trans, straight or gay.

Oh goodness! I didn't realize there was a section for FTMs... I still can't find it. I'll definitely repost if I can find it! Sorry about that. 

Here's the section for transguys.

[Dena]

We will move the thread for you so there is no need to re post.

[Laura_7]

Just relax ... if you want the mods might move the thread, no need to repost .

*hugs*

Well imo its a matter of fears playing into each other.

He might have a fear to be perceived as gay. Many men have that. He might be bi but might not want to acknowledge.
Well being gay or bi does not make people less of a man. He might be able to get over that.

Well concerning you there are findings being transgender is biological.
its literally a mans brain in a womans body. So you are a man ... and your outside will change, according to how you feel its necessary.

You might talk to each other.
It should be about two people in love.
Not about body parts or how others talk about it if people are perceived gay or whatever.


have a big *hug*

[williamspace]

Just relax ... if you want the mods might move the thread, no need to repost .

*hugs*

Well imo its a matter of fears playing into each other.

He might have a fear to be perceived as gay. Many men have that. He might be bi but might not want to acknowledge.
Well being gay or bi does not make people less of a man. He might be able to get over that.

Well concerning you there are findings being transgender is biological.
its literally a mans brain in a womans body. So you are a man ... and your outside will change, according to how you feel its necessary.

You might talk to each other.
It should be about two people in love.
Not about body parts or how others talk about it if people are perceived gay or whatever.


have a big *hug*

I mean I'm not in love with him but thank you. I'm aromantic so there's no romantic feelings there at all. It was just friendship, fondness and I'm sure the sex ruined it all.

His twin brother is gay and so people tell him he HAS to be gay or whatever, which I get would be annoying. However, to have slept with me not once, but twice, and THEN practically call me a woman is just kind of, I don't know. Belittling. I love women, I admire women much more than anything it's just that, I'm not one, y'know?

I am a feminine man at that. I enjoy some feminine things (like leggings) because even while binding, my breasts are still too large to allow me to pass. So I try to make the best of it and that's not exactly fun either considering it gets me into messes like this. "Well you LOOK like a woman, therefore you are."

[Laura_7]

I mean I'm not in love with him but thank you. I'm aromantic so there's no romantic feelings there at all. It was just friendship, fondness and I'm sure the sex ruined it all.

His twin brother is gay and so people tell him he HAS to be gay or whatever, which I get would be annoying. However, to have slept with me not once, but twice, and THEN practically call me a woman is just kind of, I don't know. Belittling. I love women, I admire women much more than anything it's just that, I'm not one, y'know?

I am a feminine man at that. I enjoy some feminine things (like leggings) because even while binding, my breasts are still too large to allow me to pass. So I try to make the best of it and that's not exactly fun either considering it gets me into messes like this. "Well you LOOK like a woman, therefore you are."

If you need reassurance you might look into a mirror...
your eyes should be those of a man 

Well I'd say try to relax ... this will pass, and you will move towards your goals...

you could try sweaters and shirts in dark colours, they tend to hide surface ... this could be some additional help ...


*hugs*

[invisiblemonsters]

the way he treated you isn't right and if people you work with found out, that could explain why he is being the way he is while also doubting his own sexuality for sleeping with you. i don't agree how he treated you, but maybe it will blow over and you can be friends. if not, oh well because someone like that isn't worth the time. despite him maybe feeling insecure or questioning whatever, you're still a person and have feelings too.

[williamspace]

the way he treated you isn't right and if people you work with found out, that could explain why he is being the way he is while also doubting his own sexuality for sleeping with you. i don't agree how he treated you, but maybe it will blow over and you can be friends. if not, oh well because someone like that isn't worth the time. despite him maybe feeling insecure or questioning whatever, you're still a person and have feelings too.

That's what I was thinking too.
I mean, like I said, he has a gay twin brother and I guess people have always told him that he should be gay too since his brother is. I can hardly justify his actions with that, though. We're on awkward talking terms at the moment.

I mean I like his friendship and like him in general. The sex wasn't bad either. It was just everything after. Like, I feel like he's been lying every time he uses my pronouns or something because he still thinks of me as a woman, biologically speaking. :-/ It just gives me... little hope.

[invisiblemonsters]

That's what I was thinking too.
I mean, like I said, he has a gay twin brother and I guess people have always told him that he should be gay too since his brother is. I can hardly justify his actions with that, though. We're on awkward talking terms at the moment.

I mean I like his friendship and like him in general. The sex wasn't bad either. It was just everything after. Like, I feel like he's been lying every time he uses my pronouns or something because he still thinks of me as a woman, biologically speaking. :-/ It just gives me... little hope.

i think you shouldn't get your hopes up because you might be disappointed and hurt because he is insecure with how he is. he doesn't want to be gay, obviously so having sex with you and what people say about his twin, it probably gets to him. calling you a female and treating you like a woman on his "list" is him reassuring his sexuality to himself. it happens, people question their sexuality when they sleep with a trans person sometimes but there is nothing you can do about that. it sucks that trans people get hurt in the process because people do not seem to understand we are also having an identity crisis just like they are but i think we are more mindful because we have dealt wiht it for a long time. it is still no excuse though and he needs to not have treated you like crap.

[arice]

I'm sorry. There aren't easy answers. Would this have been a "relationship" you would have wanted to continue? If so, I suggest talking to him and telling him exactly what you told us... see what his reaction is. If not, you can move forward having learned anot her lesson.

I am a non-binary guy who happens to be female and I'm married to a cis straight guy... this is something that he and I have had to deal with rather frequently in our relationship. He "knows" I'm a "guy" but there are times when I feel like he is seeing me as a woman or that he won't accept my more masculine sides... then I get resentful and angry and we do start to have problems... meanwhile, when I've stepped back a bit and talked to him we have managed to work through our issues and move on.

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[arice]

i think you shouldn't get your hopes up because you might be disappointed and hurt because he is insecure with how he is. he doesn't want to be gay, obviously so having sex with you and what people say about his twin, it probably gets to him. calling you a female and treating you like a woman on his "list" is him reassuring his sexuality to himself. it happens, people question their sexuality when they sleep with a trans person sometimes but there is nothing you can do about that. it sucks that trans people get hurt in the process because people do not seem to understand we are also having an identity crisis just like they are but i think we are more mindful because we have dealt wiht it for a long time. it is still no excuse though and he needs to not have treated you like crap.

I agree with this in spite of my post...

That's what I was thinking too.
I mean, like I said, he has a gay twin brother and I guess people have always told him that he should be gay too since his brother is. I can hardly justify his actions with that, though. We're on awkward talking terms at the moment.

I mean I like his friendship and like him in general. The sex wasn't bad either. It was just everything after. Like, I feel like he's been lying every time he uses my pronouns or something because he still thinks of me as a woman, biologically speaking. :-/ It just gives me... little hope.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[williamspace]

I'm sorry. There aren't easy answers. Would this have been a "relationship" you would have wanted to continue? If so, I suggest talking to him and telling him exactly what you told us... see what his reaction is. If not, you can move forward having learned anot her lesson.

I am a non-binary guy who happens to be female and I'm married to a cis straight guy... this is something that he and I have had to deal with rather frequently in our relationship. He "knows" I'm a "guy" but there are times when I feel like he is seeing me as a woman or that he won't accept my more masculine sides... then I get resentful and angry and we do start to have problems... meanwhile, when I've stepped back a bit and talked to him we have managed to work through our issues and move on.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

I don't think it would've turned into one. I'm like 99% sure I'm aromantic, meaning I don't experience romantic attraction. I used to but I haven't for a year or more. And so, it gets lonely and I thought sex was a good option but I was obviously wrong. Or picked the wrong guy.

It's kinda hard. I may be bi, but I definitely prefer other men but cis gay men want nothing to do with trans men most of the time. The few of you who get men and are accepted are lucky and I'm forever envious. (I highkey hope you're happy with your partner though)

[Laura_7]

I don't think it would've turned into one. I'm like 99% sure I'm aromantic, meaning I don't experience romantic attraction. I used to but I haven't for a year or more. And so, it gets lonely and I thought sex was a good option but I was obviously wrong. Or picked the wrong guy.

It's kinda hard. I may be bi, but I definitely prefer other men but cis gay men want nothing to do with trans men most of the time. The few of you who get men and are accepted are lucky and I'm forever envious. (I highkey hope you're happy with your partner though)

Well gay guys might be attracted by displays of masculinity .. so having some corresponding clothing etc might help.

The guys that sometimes are more into FTM people may be the "bear" type guys ... if that tells you something ...


*hugs*

[smittydoyle]

ARGH that sucks; I'm sorry, brother.
As hot as I find them, I quit dating cis guys.......................