Yes, where to start? I guess information about my journey to this point would be a good way.
As many others I started dressing up even before I began going to school. I was probably 5 years old when I first went into my mother's closet and put on a pair of her high heels. Even after all these years I still remember those wonderful shoes. They were navy blue peep toe pumps. Soon after that I started wearing her dresses too. My mother was a nurse who worked the night shift. I think all she wanted to do was sleep, so if playing in her closet keep me occupied so she could sleep she never told me to stop playing dress up.
Even though my mother never said I must stop dressing in her dresses and shoes, as I got a little older, for what ever reason, I felt what I was doing was wrong. I started hiding when I dressed up. However, my enjoyment of dressing up did not lessen but in fact expanded so that by the time I was in junior high I was fully experiencing the fun of making myself into a girl, with makeup, my mothers wig and my sisters clothes. And I wanted others to see me as a girl.
When I was about 12 one day I dressed up and went for a walk around the neighborhood. While I knew a neighbor might see me leaving the house, it seemed I didn't really care. Who knows maybe I secretly wanted to be caught. Since that first time I have gone out probably dozen of times as a female.
The years since I went through many a purge, but of course always begin collecting women's clothing again. I went out as a girl many times, always secretly. Sometimes sharing my secret with a girlfriend, but I was solidly behind the closet door.
When I was younger there was a strong sexual aspect to the dressing. Which only made me feel even more guilty of what I was doing. It took years before the sexual thrill of it took a back seat to just the incredible feeling of being a girl.
I looked at myself strictly as a crossdresser since I had a full and I have to say enjoyable life as a male. But the thoughts of "what would it be like to have breasts and a vigina"? "What would it be like if I woke up a girl tomorrow"? "What would it be like to live as a woman"? seem to come into my head often.
I am probably going on with way too much information in an introduction. But it feels good to open up about myself.
I will skip through the years, and while I never could maintain a relationship with a woman, after years of therapy (in which my crossdressing was barely discussed) I met a wonderful woman, married, had kids and proceeded through a "normal" life. I thought or hoped that my crossdressing desires would at least be minimized, manageable and maybe even stop.
Who was I kidding. As it has throughout my life the desire seemed only to get stronger. And the thoughts and feeling of wanting more then an occasional day of dressing became a common experience. In fact the feeling that it was not just crossdressing I wanted, but that I wanted to live my life as a woman.
Here I am now in my early 60's. I have met with a gender therapist, have my referral letter for hormones and wondering what the heck am I going to do? I have decided to continue my journey to become the woman I have fantasize and dreamed about becoming. I have my first meeting with an endocrinologist a week from today. I am going through this will full medical participation. I am so excited with starting hormones.
I have a question to those of you who are taking MTF hormones. Would taking hormones help me in figuring out if I do want to fully transition? My therapist has told me and I have read that taking hormones can have tremendous mental and emotional effect. A feeling of joy in the mind and body beginning to match. A lessening of anxiety and depression (which I have been dealing with what seems like my entire life) and increased sensitivity and care for others. A sense of peace and calm like never felt before. More feminine feelings and the comfort in having those feelings. To be happier. Am I expecting to much from estrogen? To live out the rest of my life as a woman is such a difficult decision, but I wonder if the mental changes of taking hormones would help in making me know how I want to proceed.
Any thoughts on that from you would be greatly appreciated.
Well, thanks for reading this long introduction. I plan on posting more and who knows even develop some friendships.
Diane
