I lost two close friends tonight

[Midnightstar]

They had a lot of reasons, and none of them of course were me being trans. Looking back at the break-up email, they were being rather poisonous (they've been playing good cop/bad cop and bcc'ing my emails to each other -- not that I said anything I regret but wtf mate?), but it still hurts so bad I can't sleep.

Can't cry, either. I'm pretty upset... even on anti-androgens I can't quite get over the hump and really cry.

I said: "I'm the same person now I was when we met, and I'll continue to be the same person inside, even as the way I express myself changes. That's why this is so frustrating and scary and sad. I'm the same me, and I get why you're not comfortable around me anymore. But I'm the same me. Do you understand that, even a little bit?"

They replied: "You say that you don't want things to change -- that you're the same person. But I think if you look in the mirror, you'll realize that's disingenuous. If you didn't want people to treat you different, then what's the use in going through all of this?"

Never said I didn't want things to change. Only that I'm the same person in here. They're kicking the dog they brought home.

Posting here because these words have to go somewhere. This sucks. But I know some of you have it way worse.

Iv'e lost a lot of people in my life for several reasons i understand that sort of pain and one of the most important things to do is give yourself time to heal and as much space as you're needing.
Some people just don't understand i wouldn't really blame anyone it's deferentially not your fault so don't blame you and on there end sure it was not nice however they just need someone to educate them and sometimes it takes somebody else in the world to get the point across to people who are being stubborn and not wanting to be accepting and that sucks. They lost a good friend they lost you because they didn't want to make a effort to understand by the sounds and that isn't fair. Yea, some people have had worse but your experience your pain means no less then anyone else's experiences or pain life isn't a challenge on who has it worse. Give yourself time, it'll be okay and everything will work out for the better maybe in the end you'll meet someone even better of a person even though at the moment i'm sure you're just wanting them and everything to go back to normal. Also Nope, you didn't say you didn't want to change however, not everyone understands the word change they see changing as a bran new person and can't cope. That is their loss, because you're not a new person and maybe in time they'll realize what they did wasn't okay. I wouldn't look back unless they do move on for you find someone more accepting and understanding and smile because you deserve to have good supportive friendships.
I wish you luck
and please know that you're a great person.
-If you ever need help or to vent send me a message i'd be happy to help-

[SadieBlake]

I have been through lots of experiences of various responses / reactions to being trans and now to being on HRT and almost completely out (the exception being family).

When I outed myself to my sister, hoping for some support due to her many years in therapy dealing with her own issues with our family her negative reaction was a surprise and she told me I was sick, blaming our mother and contacting her my sis stopped just short of outing me but said some hurtful and damaging things. We no longer speak and that's now going on 16 years, I don't look back a lot and less so now that I'm 4 months on HRT. My sis did me intentional harm (and recognizing that she truly believes I was harming myself does not excuse her reaction) and I have no desire to put myself in the way of that again.

In the same time frame I was participated in a group therapy setting that was mostly positive. A recurring theme was the cis-gender women would remind me that simply dressing up doesn't make one female. Then one day I went to the group wearing makeup -- quite light, intended just to soften my features a bit. That particular day I was feeling quite down, that depression was back on me etc. One of the women commented that I looked full of light that day, more alive than usual and the others chimed in to agree.

I was shocked, saddened and a little angry. This was the first time I'd ever made myself up for group and as I said it wàs understated, it's something I'm prone to do -- if I'm feeling down I will do some femme things that make me feel better. Here were these women who'd been telling me it's not about appearance and the only change that day from 'normal' was I was less happy than usual and I'd used some makeup to move that appearance a bit towards feminine.

I told them how this felt -- to get a response that was so at odds with what they'd been projecting on me for a couple of years. The other amusing bit was that for many sessions after I would catch some participants checking me carefully to see if I was made up.

Of course I know that female involves a host of things, socialization etc and now I can begin to understand how my emotional landscape changes on hrt. That experience however taught me a lot about trusting my own instincts and recognizing that in many ways perception of gender is a real part of it.

Lastly and most recently I was meeting over difficulties in a lab that I work in. It was an emotional conversation for me and when I let that show and the boss if the lab who is also a close personal friend asked if my clearly somewhat fragile emotional star was "due to the medications I'm on".

I was shocked and angry that he would bring this up in a work context. There's absolutely no way he'd have ever asked a cis-gender woman if her time of month was a problem. Even more surprisingly when I brought this up yesterday to let him know it wasn't OK he got surprised and defensive, saying my medical condition was absolutely his business if it affected my ability to work in the lab. (I don't think this conversation is over as I really feel he overstepped some boundaries there.)

Bah, so there are some of my experiences of people who  ought to be able to behave reasonably around transgender people just not getting it.

Fortunately these are for me the exceptions. I've been persistent  and lucky for many years now in surrounding myself with people I can count on to be supportive and my first few months on HRT after 16 years of telling myself I'm a poor candidate for transition have been a big and positive step, mostly made easier by supporting friends.

[MeghanMe]

Thanks so much, everyone.

Dena- It is overwhelming. I was on kind of a high before this happened -- wore a new skirt to therapy, got compliments, had some voice training successes... I'll make it. I'm just starting to think I can make this whole thing work.

ChrysC- Yes, it's about building my community back up, not about losses.

Midnightstar- That made me feel good, thank you. And thanks for offering your shoulder to cry on.

SadieBlake- Funny about your group! But the thing with your lab sounds scary... does your state have discrimination law that covers gender identity/expression? Funny how often people miss the point... whether he has the right to know about your medications or not, "you wouldn't ask a cis woman about her period" doesn't mean "yes I have a medical problem but you can't ask about it." Sheesh.

[Vincent Johnson]

We are not going to play the "who has it worse," game. That would just bring more fuel to the fire.

I understand how you feel. I had lost many people in my life when coming out. Here is my words of advice to you: Friends are people who are meant to offer comfort and support when you are feeling down. Friends are supposed to lift you up, not bring you down. If they are not accepting of you being nonbinary/transgender, then they were never really your friends. Because friends are family, they are made to accept you no matter what. And if they are not accepting of who you are, then they don't deserve your trust and respect. Then what would be the point of having a friend like that? When they take from you but don't offer anything in return? That is not a true friend.

Yes, it does hurt when you lose them. You will get that sense of betrayal. In the future, though, it will make things better. As you would realize that there are better people who will respect who you are. No matter if you were trans, skinny, fat, black, white, gay, bi, or even an alien from outer space.

[BirlPower]

These all sound like good changes! I have to admit that I'm still often preoccupied with thinking about gender or shame instead of being 100% present for my friends, but then, I'm not even really part-time yet. Maybe it'll still happen.

I cried tonight, so there's a change.

I feel like the same me but I have changed. I am less irritable, I hardly ever snap at people now. I am non everything so it isn't hormones. Just clothes, long hair, I like to paint my nails and I'm beginnig to experiment with makeup. Oh, and breast forms sometimes. I'm only out to the people I live with. The only permanent physical change I'm likely to make is beard removal. Just being able to express my likes fully has made me a little different, but I don't think it is any more than the changes you feel when you realise something important for the first time.
This brings me to point 2. Shame. I hope the only thinking about it you are doing is telling yourself that it is absolutely NOT something you should feel about being trans. It was this realisation (I think) that made me different. I felt shame about what I wanted for years and hid it from others and denied it to myself. Doing this gets harder and harder as time goes on. Starting to shed the shame was a huge relief. I still have some, it isn't easy to let go of. I know I have no logical reason to feel it but I do anyway. People here have talked about internalised transphobia. As much as it bothers me to admit it, I must be harbouring some of that. It would be great to lose it completely, it would then be simple coming out to everyone. I have an odd feeling that it is coming out that will rid me of the shame which is a bit frightening.

I'm glad you seem to be feeling better. I have found the more I do the easier it gets. I've been dressing at home 100% for a year now. It felt awkward at first, exposing the real me to my wife and daughters. It feels easy and natural now, we all get on much better than before. Dress as much as you can, even if it is only in private, and it will seem more and more normal the more you do it.

P.S. for context, I identify as a mostly male non-binary. I think I'm just making up for lost time by wanting to present as femme as I do.

Hugs

B

[MeghanMe]

Thanks for the perpsective, Vincent Johnson.

And BirlPower - I feel very much like you do about shame and internalized transphobia. They're definitely there. I don't want them. They make it hard to talk about this stuff, and they give people a weapon to use against us.

Heading out to games with other friends tonight. I'll dress up a little bit. Most of this group has seen, and reacted well, to this already. Wish me luck with the rest.