What Turns You On?

[autumn08]

(I asked a variation of this question a few days ago, but I'll try to be more concise and direct this time, to see I can garner some interest.)


What Turns You On?


The first time I had sex, when I was a teenager, my reaction was, "well, that didn't quite meet the hype." My feelings have been similar since then, but since I enjoy intimate relationships, I have just used sex as a way to give my partner pleasure.

Since I started exploring my gender nine months ago though, I'm repulsed whenever I feel compelled to put on an act. Therefore, even though I've lately met many women I would love to advance my relationship with, I can't.

-

At 26, it seems I should already fully understand my sexuality, but for most of my life I didn't give much attention to my emotions and just did what I thought would promote the most good. I do know a few on requirements though; I am attracted to women, I am not turned on about being with them as a man, and I am only turned on if I at least view them as my equal (I don't mean physically, but that the concept of dominating someone doesn't interest me).

Since I'm not currently transitioning, I can't meet my requirements for activating my sexuality. It seems some of you though, still desired sex before transitioning, so I'm curious how all of you would answer this question, as maybe there is still a way I can view sex, which will allow me to have sexual relationships again.

[Marlee]

well I think you are much like I am..the female in me is, at best bisexual. But very close to lesbian. But currently, since you aren't transitioning yet, doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't wired thus and your relationships with women should take a natural form for you..not for the societal images that say you look male, so you are male and have to act a certain way.
whether you transition or not, you are within yourself to be you.

and in regards to the question posed..I will say I am kinky, and leave it at that

[tsroxy]

I enjoy being with women(a little too much) but I find myself imagining I'm them not being out myself. Feel like a weirdo saying this.

Also not adding more to that.

[ryokohimura]

For me, desiring sex prior to beginning transition was more of a chore. It was something I had to do. Even then, it wasn't so much sex as masturbation. I don't think the few intimate relationships I had were the most healthy. I always felt something was missing. Never felt the experience lived up to the hype. Add to that the fact that I always felt my friends were rubbing their experiences in my face? Ugh. I'm sure they weren't and were just talking with a friend, but the discussions always left me feeling like I was broken somehow.

I claim pansexual. Though as of late, people would probably guess I'm a lesbian. I think it's the years of repression having been lifted. I have a bit of a crush on my Spanish Professor, but if you met her you'd understand why. She's an amazing woman and it makes me sad that I will probably not be able to finish my remaining classes with her. Though that opens up new things that, while my mind loves the idea of, I know won't happen in reality. The warm feeling I get is enough.

[tsroxy]

It's not really a chore to me but I've similar feelings (of being broken),
I've never been able to talk about sex or women with friends to the point
they started questioning my sexuality.. =.=

Tell your teacher, you might regret if you don't.

[autumn08]

well I think you are much like I am..the female in me is, at best bisexual. But very close to lesbian. But currently, since you aren't transitioning yet, doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't wired thus and your relationships with women should take a natural form for you..not for the societal images that say you look male, so you are male and have to act a certain way.
whether you transition or not, you are within yourself to be you.

and in regards to the question posed..I will say I am kinky, and leave it at that

With enough experimentation and honesty, I should be able to unravel a way to make relationships work. Even when I feel my long ingrained habit to be a man, I'm progressively choosing to be more natural. It is difficult though when a woman wants to dance, but only if I take charge, or when she coyly asks me what she wants to eat, when she already knows, or when she wants me to sweep her away, when I would rather view her as my equal.

I'm happy to hold doors, open jars and protect her, because I'm naturally stronger, but as a result of social norms, her own sexuality and her perception that she is pleasing me, finding comprise and compatibility is arduous, and is one of the causes why many transgender individuals go through a period of self-debasement in their lives.

[autumn08]

I enjoy being with women(a little too much) but I find myself imagining I'm them not being out myself. Feel like a weirdo saying this.

Also not adding more to that.

Don't feel strange. It seems doing so would be common. Thank you for having the guts to be honest.

[autumn08]

For me, desiring sex prior to beginning transition was more of a chore. It was something I had to do. Even then, it wasn't so much sex as masturbation. I don't think the few intimate relationships I had were the most healthy. I always felt something was missing. Never felt the experience lived up to the hype. Add to that the fact that I always felt my friends were rubbing their experiences in my face? Ugh. I'm sure they weren't and were just talking with a friend, but the discussions always left me feeling like I was broken somehow.

I claim pansexual. Though as of late, people would probably guess I'm a lesbian. I think it's the years of repression having been lifted. I have a bit of a crush on my Spanish Professor, but if you met her you'd understand why. She's an amazing woman and it makes me sad that I will probably not be able to finish my remaining classes with her. Though that opens up new things that, while my mind loves the idea of, I know won't happen in reality. The warm feeling I get is enough.

Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know someone else is having a similar experience.

I'm also envious of how self explanatory attraction is for my cisgender friends.

[autumn08]

I've thought about it more, and I realize my sexuality has always been obvious to me, I just lack the ability to appease it. Its like I've always tried to enjoy food without taste, and experienced frustration that what I desire is so close, but so far away.

The only compromise I can think of, is enjoying some form of role-playing, but my personality isn't compatible with role-playing and it isn't worth the feeling self-betrayal. When I'm at a party, or meeting new people, I know how to be congenial, but when I'm not putting on an act, I'm intensely sober.

This doesn't bode well for my love life, but maybe I'll eventually transition, or become content with never being able to express my sexuality. While the state I'm in doesn't seem like a great tragedy, it makes me sad to be incompatible with many women I would love to be compatible with and that my chances of finding compatibility are relatively small.

If anyone knows a compromise that I'm not thinking of, or would like to share their sexuality, I would love to hear it. 

[CrazyCatMan]

well, that didn't quite meet the hype.

That was my thought too, lol.

I haven't transitioned medically and may never. I was a late bloomer, I didn't reach sexual maturity (mentally) until I was 24 and had no desire for physical intimacy before that. I'm sexually attracted to men and a catcher. I don't have much body dysphoria so I really don't mind being naked like some trans-guys I know do. I don't like talking about my female anatomy, it's a major turnoff. I prefer to date, bi or pan-sexual men. I have dated women but under the understanding that I was not sexually attracted to them. I have a little of a bdsm and erotic novel kink and have found kinks can be enjoyed without engaging in sex. So if you have kink you could explore that?

[autumn08]

I have a little of a bdsm and erotic novel kink and have found kinks can be enjoyed without engaging in sex. So if you have kink you could explore that?

I wish I was more sexually adventurous, but my ideal evening is fairly low-key.

After a show, she and I would go to a nice restaurant, have some laughs, challenge each other in discussions about art and philosophy, and express our inner most feelings. Then in the car we would start getting physical, as we made our to bed and united in peaceful equality.

(lol, at this moment, I'm very thankful the anonymity of the internet.)

[CrazyCatMan]

I wish I was more sexually adventurous, but my ideal evening is fairly low-key.

That OK, everyone likes different things. If you don't feel comfortable going all the way there is mutual masturbation or oral/hand jobs. You could also not have sex at all and you could take care of your needs yourself individually. Not every relationship need sex to be successful

(lol, at this moment, I'm very thankful the anonymity of the internet.)

Don't worry, you could say just about anything and it wouldn't faze me. Most of my in-life friends are very sexually active and have no boundaries. Had a friend one time show me a photo of her doing it with a girl she hooked up with. So I could see "the cool tattoo" she had, which ended up being on her vulva.

[autumn08]

That OK, everyone likes different things. If you don't feel comfortable going all the way there is mutual masturbation or oral/hand jobs. You could also not have sex at all and you could take care of your needs yourself individually. Not every relationship need sex to be successful

Thank you. I guess it is just my habitual feeling that I need to be the man in a relationship and my desire for a clear solution that is preventing me from finding a compromise.

Don't worry, you could say just about anything and it wouldn't faze me. Most of my in-life friends are very sexually active and have no boundaries. Had a friend one time show me a photo of her doing it with a girl she hooked up with. So I could see "the cool tattoo" she had, which ended up being on her vulva.

lol 

[sparrow]

One of the biggest things that turn me on is the availability of sex (or sexy activities).  If a person expresses interest in me and they're even remotely attractive to me (and I have extremely broad taste) then that gets my interest up.  Yeah... people are weird.  If I feel like I've got a chance with somebody, that'll put a little pep in my step -- each perceived opportunity adds a little to my desire.  Since I'm married, the opportunities are all entirely up in my head, but they incrementally build up my interest in sex, which I bring home.  People are so weird.

[Laura_7]

You might see it as some kind of play with changing roles.
It could give her an oportunity to explore her more active side.
You could change roles from time to time ...
you might talk with her about it, its possile she likes it.

There are lesbian activities which can be very pleasurable ... tribbing ... rubbing on each other ...
some people use toys like a magic wand when they are together ...

Its also possible to keep up some tension ... in a good way ...
Its possible to tease each other, for example sending a text in the morning what you will do with her this evening ...
and send another text later, reminding her of the first text ...


hugs

[autumn08]

One of the biggest things that turn me on is the availability of sex (or sexy activities).  If a person expresses interest in me and they're even remotely attractive to me (and I have extremely broad taste) then that gets my interest up.  Yeah... people are weird.  If I feel like I've got a chance with somebody, that'll put a little pep in my step -- each perceived opportunity adds a little to my desire.  Since I'm married, the opportunities are all entirely up in my head, but they incrementally build up my interest in sex, which I bring home.  People are so weird.

Thank you for sharing.

I know what you mean. I think it is because when sex seems available, it focuses our mind on all of the person's good qualities and since we feel good about ourselves at that moment, we are in an optimistic mood.

[autumn08]

You might see it as some kind of play with changing roles.
It could give her an oportunity to explore her more active side.
You could change roles from time to time ...
you might talk with her about it, its possile she likes it.

There are lesbian activities which can be very pleasurable ... tribbing ... rubbing on each other ...
some people use toys like a magic wand when they are together ...

Its also possible to keep up some tension ... in a good way ...
Its possible to tease each other, for example sending a text in the morning what you will do with her this evening ...
and send another text later, reminding her of the first text ...


hugs

Thank you for the tips, Laura.

While I'm not good at role-playing, I've become good at dating and foreplay, but the problem is that I don't like incorporating the maleness of my body. It is becoming less distressful though, as I slowly let go of my perceived duties.

Now that I think about it, maybe the problem is that a part of me wants to start transitioning, and this is preventing me from accepting a lesser compromise.

[hibiki]

Personally, I can never have penetrative sex even if I want to. Even without HRT, I guess I might have a psychological barrier which cause erectile dysfunction whenever I try.

However, I used to do a lot of tribbing with my previous partner and always imagine that the certain parts I am born with is actually on her rather than me. While I identify as a lesbian, I guess it is fine for me as long as I dont see the parts as mine but my partner's. It is also pretty to imagine that if you are tribbing, and I guess that turns me on as well.

[autumn08]

Personally, I can never have penetrative sex even if I want to. Even without HRT, I guess I might have a psychological barrier which cause erectile dysfunction whenever I try.

However, I used to do a lot of tribbing with my previous partner and always imagine that the certain parts I am born with is actually on her rather than me. While I identify as a lesbian, I guess it is fine for me as long as I dont see the parts as mine but my partner's. It is also pretty to imagine that if you are tribbing, and I guess that turns me on as well.

Thank you for your candor. Mentally collecting all of your stories and techniques is very helpful.

While my essence isn't very masculine, I still act in a domineering manner (partially because being in control makes me feel safe), so with new love interests, tribbing may be awkward for us both. I could see the benefit of just choosing to try it though, so I will next time. 

[Laura_7]

Thank you for your candor. Mentally collecting all of your stories and techniques is very helpful.

While my essence isn't very masculine, I still act in a domineering manner (partially because being in control makes me feel safe), so with new love interests, tribbing may be awkward for us both. I could see the benefit of just choosing to try it though, so I will next time.

You could start out with a sensual massage, using massage oil. Then tribbing should be really pleasurable.

Many people refer to their p as large clit so that might help also.

Well it was not meant as real role play, simply as letting her explore her more active sides during daily life .. so she may also be in a leading role sometimes. This is what some lesbians do, both switching roles .


hugs