Scared about coming out. Scared about seeking help.

[Delyth]

I've been on this site for quite sometime.
Deep down I know I am trans, but I am so scared to do anything about it.
I am in my mid thirties, but I've felt feminie inside since I was a child.
I few months ago, I after a few drinks I built up the courage  to call a support line. I spoke to a lovely person who gave me some great advice. 
I really thought I was making progress. I even booked an appointment with a GP. However then all the self doubt and fear kicked in. The fear of loss, hurting those close to me and being rejected. I ended up cancelling  my doctors appointment.
I fell back into the pattern of denial, guilt, and depression.
The trouble is as each day goes forward and I get older, its just getting harder to deal with.
My question to myself is what do I need to do to break this pattern and be honest and true to myself?

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

Yes I have seen you around and was wondering where you had gone. I'm glad you are OK.

How to make the big decision? Oh I wish there was an easy answer.

Fear is the great pretender. When you are very frightened you can convince yourself of anything. Even not helping yourself.

So. I want you to get a big piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle. On one side right a title. 'The worse things about now' on the other side ' What I want to do and be'. Then list stuff.

List anything.

Then have a think, what side do you want to live on?

Then make the phone call and start a wonderful life.

I was terrified. Very terrified.

I am so happy know I just wish I had taken the plunge a hundred years ago.

Keep talking Hon.

Cindy

[Megan.]

Delyth, I was 36 before I decided to face the feelings I'd had all my life. Like many here, my first stop was finding and speaking with a qualified and experienced therapist, before even seeing my GP. Could I have done something when I was younger? maybe, but I didn't, so I wasn't ready. If you're here now, maybe you are too? Find a professional to talk with and take your time to explore and understand your feelings, then a way forward might become clearer. Good luck.

[Ms Grace]

I guess the thing is that what "breaks the pattern" of fear, denial, guilt, shame, depression, doubt, etc, is different for everyone.

For some it is getting so bad that they are literally moments from taking their own life and realising that they can't go on the way they have been but they don't want to die either. For others, like me, it is a meltdown moment that is the straw that breaks the camel's back - years of denial and refusal to accept or do anything about being trans just comes crashing down over some seemingly insignificant issue... and again, a realisation that it can't go on this way. Or the people who have found themselves boxed in by addiction or other pursuits, who find themselves up against the wall... realising that it can't go on this way.

That is the breaking point, where you just can't go forward and can't go back without dealing with the issue.

Dealing with the issue, by the way, doesn't mean that you have to transition or take HRT or do anything, but dealing with the issue means admitting to yourself that you are trans, or that your gender identity doesn't seem to add up, and trying to figure out how to work with that.

[tsroxy]

I'm in the same boat, having a feeling of shame and weakness but more and more
I start thinking, why shame? Isn't it being couragous undergoing such of a change instead
of cowardly staying hidden? I mean, I look up to everyone who stepped up for themselves, why
not to myself?

It's tough, really is.. but living a lie is so much harder and it wont get any easier, I'm at a point where
I stopped enjoying life right now.

[dr.tina]

Hi I was scared too,I always knew that I was a girl but the question "what if I'm not? What if it's for nothing?" I bottled up my feeling and six months ago I had worst episodes of dysphoria.I stopped speaking to everyone but few sisters helped me, and one sister said that "don't be so imsecure,if you are,start from small comforts" , that looks simple but that helped me,I tried to forget it but it didn't get better.so I finally went to make up shop and I asked. I was blushing, I wud have fainted out if  I had to stay an longer,. I got a dress, that was the first step it was really hardest.

I'm waiting for appointment.


Sorry for long post, but just don't miss small comforts

Sent from my Moto G using Tapatalk

[JoanneB]

Dealing with the issue, by the way, doesn't mean that you have to transition or take HRT or do anything, but dealing with the issue means admitting to yourself that you are trans, or that your gender identity doesn't seem to add up, and trying to figure out how to work with that.

Ms Grace hits the nail squarely on the head. "Dealing with the issue". It's pretty easy to fool yourself into thinking that you are too. After all, Denial, Diversions, and Distractions are sort of way to deal with it. Like the car that is making funny noises. Turn up the radio. Problem solved.

After 40 years of dancing with the devil I got to the point in my life I absolutely needed to do something For Real. I had experimented with transitioning twice in my early twenties, both utter fails. Now I had a very entrenched "Male" existence. Since both sides of me were constantly at war, I needed to find a way for them both to live in peace.

As I slowly unlearned what I wanted to force myself to believe I am and eventually learned WHO I really am, I made adjustments. All throughout the process I needed to, still do. Just like with the rest of life, Balance.

A for real gender therapist, if you have access to one, is a good place to start. So is a TG support group. I was totally blown away my first ever group meeting sitting in a living room filled with people whose stories practically mirrored my own. Even more shocking is actually speaking aloud words and thoughts that you don't really want to say but now feel safe to.

[Delyth]

If I am really honest with myself, my dysphoria is getting worse.
What seems to be holding myself back is my own low sense of self esteme and feelings of self doubt.
I am probably doing myself no favours either, the older I get, the more testosterone affects my system.

[Emileeeee]

I've been on this site for quite sometime.
Deep down I know I am trans, but I am so scared to do anything about it.
I am in my mid thirties, but I've felt feminie inside since I was a child.
I few months ago, I after a few drinks I built up the courage  to call a support line. I spoke to a lovely person who gave me some great advice. 
I really thought I was making progress. I even booked an appointment with a GP. However then all the self doubt and fear kicked in. The fear of loss, hurting those close to me and being rejected. I ended up cancelling  my doctors appointment.
I fell back into the pattern of denial, guilt, and depression.
The trouble is as each day goes forward and I get older, its just getting harder to deal with.
My question to myself is what do I need to do to break this pattern and be honest and true to myself?

You need to stop taking responsibility for the happiness of others at the expense of your own happiness. If people can't accept you no matter who that is, it's their problem, not yours. I've spent my whole life feeling that way and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders when I started focusing on me instead was huge.

So what do you need to do? Don't cancel that appointment. Even if you have doubts prior to the appointment, keep it. You're going to have doubts until you work it out. I didn't have trouble seeking help, but I did need a swift kick to my willingness to be alive to get me moving along on the path. Prior to that it was too scary. I was 40 when I finally did it.

[Ms Grace]

...my dysphoria is getting worse.
What seems to be holding myself back is my own low sense of self esteme and feelings of self doubt.

You're in a bad place, I hear that - but when you say that your dysphoria is getting worse it is time to put the doubts aside and get some help. Dealing with your gender identity is the first step - none of that mean you have to transition, or if you decide to do it that it all happens instantly. Whatever you chose to do to help yourself can happen at a pace you feel safe with.

[Midnightstar]

I've been on this site for quite sometime.
Deep down I know I am trans, but I am so scared to do anything about it.
I am in my mid thirties, but I've felt feminie inside since I was a child.
I few months ago, I after a few drinks I built up the courage  to call a support line. I spoke to a lovely person who gave me some great advice. 
I really thought I was making progress. I even booked an appointment with a GP. However then all the self doubt and fear kicked in. The fear of loss, hurting those close to me and being rejected. I ended up cancelling  my doctors appointment.
I fell back into the pattern of denial, guilt, and depression.
The trouble is as each day goes forward and I get older, its just getting harder to deal with.
My question to myself is what do I need to do to break this pattern and be honest and true to myself?

Iv'e been super nervous and scared even doubtful actually doubtful has been one big challenge.
I can tell you this i started realizing i had to fight the doubt and fear and fight it so i could be who i needed to be, i probably don't have the best advice on how to do that but i can only describe it as i told myself i couldn't sit in doubt because i didn't want to live forever questioning and wondering, i wanted to take the chance.
So here i am taking that chance, am i right am i wrong i don't know but i know i'm better off moving forward then i am staying in the dark. I could only give experience but trust yourself trust your heart its important its okay.
and good luck   

[JoanneB]

... What seems to be holding myself back is my own low sense of self esteme and feelings of self doubt.

Since I do not believe in absolutes, I'll just say back in 1978, my first 'transition experiment' the odds were very much in my favor I was pretty close to the bottom of the having self esteem list, or self worth. Practically negative I'd say.

A lot was due to being a (non-trans related) target for a very good portion of it. Then add in a good (un)healthy dose of Shame & Guilt about being trans to begin with. There were plenty of other factors in there too.

So why did I even think, much less TRY it?  Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Yet another failure I could beat myself up over... BUT, hey, got that out of my system. Right? Stupid idea to begin with for this 6ft tall balding giant that screamed "Some guy in a dress"

A few years later I tried it again. Same end result. Same spending year after year working harder and harder at keeping Joanne locked away in ever deeper dungeons. Which took more and more effort as years passed by. Luckily life also got more and more complicated. Plenty of diversions from the GD. Also plenty of time for Joanne to plot an escape from the cell I thought she withered away in from neglect.

This time, a few decades later, I tried it yet again. Self esteem still in the toilet in spite of all the obvious great or amazing things I did accomplish in my life. All not done by me, rather the actor, doing what was expected. Shame and Guilt are insidious in how they work.

Shame and Guilt also had a brief disappearance the night of my first support group meeting. It was like a Monty Python fish slap into the canal that lasted a few days while the smoke was still pouring out of my exploded head. Same again the next month. By the third meeting I knew I needed to be there. I felt I knew where my true joy lied.

Best of all, the healing started. I actually started to feel better about being... Me