New therapist, new problems

[AnxietyDisord3r]

So my old, wonderful therapist just got a better job. Yay for her. Waah for me. Because of insurance, etc, I decided to go with a student therapist. He was all "Yes! I want to work with trans issues." Then he made me feel terrible yesterday, probably without meaning to, because he was going on and on about masculinity and how it was constructed by society and also made a point about how my T levels aren't going to be like a bio male's T levels. I think he thought this was going to help me with my anxiety but it just made me distrustful of him. I think I am going to have to educate him next week and hopefully we can work through this, otherwise I need a new therapist. (Which is too bad because I like his approach--more like a coach/teacher--which should be good for me.)

I'm thinking of bringing WHIPPING GIRL and reading to him from the chapter about subconscious sex. Like, hello, I know societal gender roles are 95% frothy bull->-bleeped-<-. But in reality, I've been allowed by society to act as I like (except for the Aspie stuff), dress (mostly) as I like, do what I like--I have no need to transition from the standpoint of gender roles/gender policing. Must be another reason! Hello, I thought you're going to school for this stuff.

Anyway, he misinterpreted something I said about being upset about the small size of my hands to mean that I thought I was less masculine because of it when actually I'm upset about the feminization of my body (dysphoria) and concerned in a very real way about my ability to pass to strangers in the future. Now, I think a lot of passing is just confidence (or if not passing, at least getting away with ->-bleeped-<-). But I don't think it's ridiculous to be concerned when there are evil people out there looking to do trans people harm. I didn't really understand what he was getting at until the hour was over so I feel the need to follow up and tell him I do not have a freaking Donald Trump complex about my hands. I love my hands! But I get kind of scared thinking about reaching for S size nitrile gloves and wondering how people will react. Everyone over the age of Millennial is so ignorant about trans and many who are younger as well.

So, like he asked about masculinity issues. I think I probably have them and will have to work through them but I guess I thought he meant that the way we mean it and clearly he thinks anything to do with maleness = masculinity. So last century.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

One other weird interaction: I said (without qualification, it was flippant) that people judge your masculinity or femininity by your face and just make assumptions based on that. Therapist got kind of upset, said a man could look totally masculine but express feminine traits and be seen as very feminine. Okay, true, but ... seems like he has a GIANT blind spot around the issue of passing.

[Elis]

For me personally I wouldn't trust a student therapist. He may know what transgender is from reading books but that's very different to talking to an actual trans person and knowing what they go through within society. He may not have considered the discrimination we face; the pressure from society to 'pass' and to conform to gender roles before he met you. I would only feel comfortable if I knew the therapist had talked to many other trans people besides just myself.
But you may be able to provide him with much needed education on these issues. Depends if you want the work involved doing that (which may make your anxiety worse) or seeing someone else.
Hope it goes well for you; sorry you have to deal with this :/

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Ironically, I thought a student might be better. 

However, dealing with my insurance company involves way the ---- more anxiety than dealing with him. Having to educate somebody on time I am paying for sucks though.

If he's unresponsive to that, time to spin the wheel and try somebody else.

[Alexthecat]

Student therapists can be more up to date on this century but that does not mean he is up to date on trans. Does he even have trans friends or been to trans support groups? You cannot really help someone if you do not know from first hand experience. In my support group we have a few therapists that come several times a year so they are kept up to date on trans happenings.

[FTMax]

He obviously doesn't know a lot about trans issues, so I would do your best to educate him if you can stand to. For the sake of the next person. I'd bring whatever literature you feel would help, as well as maybe having some links saved in your email that you could forward to him.

I have heard that WPATH is working on a certification-type thing for mental health folks so that they'll have a credential that says they have been educated in the subject and can work effectively with trans people. But I think it's still a ways away from being finalized. If you think you'll be in therapy for a bit, I'd keep an eye out for that, and encourage him to take part in whatever course they come up with. I'm not sure if therapists need continuing education credits, but a lot of professions do, and that would be an easy way for him to get that done AND show that this is something he wants to learn about and cares about getting right.

Your T levels can absolutely get to cis levels. Mine are. And as far as your hands - no one will notice unless you draw attention to it. I have tiny hands and feet, and no one bats an eye about them in general. Heck, even when I go to buy shoes and I'm asking for a men's 7 or 8, no one reacts.

I think a lot of things that stand out to us, stand out because we are actively made uncomfortable by them. They don't have that effect on other people, so they don't notice.

[arice]

He obviously doesn't know a lot about trans issues, so I would do your best to educate him if you can stand to. For the sake of the next person. I'd bring whatever literature you feel would help, as well as maybe having some links saved in your email that you could forward to him.

I have heard that WPATH is working on a certification-type thing for mental health folks so that they'll have a credential that says they have been educated in the subject and can work effectively with trans people. But I think it's still a ways away from being finalized. If you think you'll be in therapy for a bit, I'd keep an eye out for that, and encourage him to take part in whatever course they come up with. I'm not sure if therapists need continuing education credits, but a lot of professions do, and that would be an easy way for him to get that done AND show that this is something he wants to learn about and cares about getting right.

Your T levels can absolutely get to cis levels. Mine are. And as far as your hands - no one will notice unless you draw attention to it. I have tiny hands and feet, and no one bats an eye about them in general. Heck, even when I go to buy shoes and I'm asking for a men's 7 or 8, no one reacts.

I think a lot of things that stand out to us, stand out because we are actively made uncomfortable by them. They don't have that effect on other people, so they don't notice.

I would agree with all of this.

As for small hands, some cis men have them too. I know my grandfather did. He did carpentry and always said that his small hands were a bonus because he could get them into small spaces and do more detailed work.
My hands are small even by female standards (I wear boy's mitts and gloves)... no one has ever noticed.

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[Kylo]

Yeah, student therapists  I've had one of those before and honestly, I did not get much from the experience at all.

I'm not sure how he can claim that stuff about T when T can be dosed. He's not a trans specialist or a doc, so I wonder what help that statement was supposed to give you. You'll probably end up educating him on trans issues.

I wouldn't worry about the small hands. I don't think anyone cares or even looks. I know two guys in my old lab used my gloves box (the size S) as they were both shorter dudes. The only reason I noticed was because it was my job to replace the boxes.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Thanks for the comments on hands. I was at a seminar about worker's comp injuries and they were pointing out all the differences in men's and women's measurements at the same height so I feel sensitive about that because I can't change my skeleton.

I could only fit a 7 if I stuffed it with something. I'm a hard 6 and a half. Very hard to find in a regular shoe store. Wish I were a 7 all the time. Hell, they said your feet get bigger as you age but they haven't budged. 

I will share that information about WPATH. I think he's trying to help but he's too clueless. He was like grilling me about why I wasn't binding (and how is that your business??) b/c I guess he thinks I'm being too passive. I gave him my standard answer that I enjoy breathing and apparently that wasn't good enough so we had to discuss it some more.

About T, he's kind of obsessed with some research that shows that men's T levels fluctuate a lot during the day. "So no biggie if you miss a dose." They don't drop to ZERO, genius. They don't get replaced with hormones that poison me.

[FTMax]

Your feet may change with T. I don't think it's so much growth as it is muscle buildup and fat redistribution. Also, my size varies by brand, so if you want a bigger shoe size maybe do some digging and see if there are brands that run small. I'm a 7 in Vans, but an 8 in Nike if that helps as a point of reference.

He does sound very clueless. I don't remember, so can I ask what you're using him for? Just general therapy, or are you seeking a referral for something? What I would consider doing is just be very blunt and let him know that you're less interested in his medical opinions and more interested in discussing whatever you're seeing him for.

And don't be afraid of firing him if it doesn't work out. I had to fire my first therapist for moving too slowly and refusing to even estimate when our sessions would be done. It was awkward and no fun to do, but at the end of the day, they work for you. And if they aren't earning their keep, you've got to find someone who will.

[Arch]

I think that the people whose feet grow with age are middle-aged and older. However, my feet grew on T--bones don't change, so I must have picked up soft tissue--and I had to go up half a size and from average to wide. I can't have picked up length, but the additional girth/width pushed me into the next size range, I guess.

It would be great if your feet grew enough to get you consistently into the 7 range. That's pretty much where men's shoes start, although some styles won't be available.

[Kylo]

My feet have gone from size 5 and 1/2 to near size 7 in 5 years, and that's not even on T. I'm thinking it may just have been when I had the hypothyroid episode and gained about 2 stone in weight. I've lost this weight again since, but my feet haven't got smaller again. I wonder what T will do to them...

[AnxietyDisord3r]

He does sound very clueless. I don't remember, so can I ask what you're using him for? Just general therapy, or are you seeking a referral for something? What I would consider doing is just be very blunt and let him know that you're less interested in his medical opinions and more interested in discussing whatever you're seeing him for.

I went into therapy for depression and anxiety. I've been learning cognitive behavior therapy and relaxation techniques and I've made a lot of progress. My depression doesn't want to shift and the new shrink and I were talking on initial visit about how to work on that. The old shrink was trying to teach me how to meditate to restructure my brain, which was a work in progress.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

My feet have gone from size 5 and 1/2 to near size 7 in 5 years, and that's not even on T. I'm thinking it may just have been when I had the hypothyroid episode and gained about 2 stone in weight. I've lost this weight again since, but my feet haven't got smaller again. I wonder what T will do to them...

No fair--I gained forty freaking pounds and no change whatsoever!

My feet are already wide. I was always proud of that. Led to the great Target Has No Shoes incident of 2001. I mean it's stupid to be glad your feet are wide but most of us do look for some sort of visible confirmation of our gender, don't we?

[Arch]

I really think you are better off with a seasoned therapist, even one who doesn't specialize in gender issues.

You were talking about his conflating masculinity and maleness. I've had some potentially interesting thoughts about my own masculinity. Pretransition, I didn't have doubts about my masculinity, my masculine-ness--but I was living as a woman. I was seen as a somewhat masculine woman. When I was deep in denial after going back into the closet, I tried to think of myself as a masculine woman. It felt false, but it was what I had to work with. Anyway, that butch-ness was never in doubt.

What I doubted, even after being on T and living successfully as a man, was my maleness. Since I don't have the usual equipment, I still struggle with this; I am also certain that even bottom surgery is not going to "fix" me. I will have to continue doing internal work, as my therapist calls it.

But lately I've realized that I do have issues with my masculinity--my male masculinity. It's not enough that people don't see me as gay; thanks to some elements of my "girl" upbringing, I don't feel quite masculine enough.

What a mess, eh?

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Happy conclusion, I was able to talk it out with my therapist & he agreed to read ch 5 and 6 of Whipping Girl.

I'm glad I was right about him and able to handle it like an adult. 

[jossam]

Like, hello, I know societal gender roles are 95% frothy bull->-bleeped-<-. But in reality, I've been allowed by society to act as I like (except for the Aspie stuff), dress (mostly) as I like, do what I like--I have no need to transition from the standpoint of gender roles/gender policing. Must be another reason!

I relate soooooo much to this! I present as male to many people (friends and acquaintances), so no gender roles, I've never acted fake to myself because luckily I've never given in to pressures from others. So you mean physical transition, I guess. Yep, that's what I need too, it's what bothers me the most.
And you're aspie? I've been told by therapists I have autistic traits. Funny. Seems like there are more people somewhere on the spectrum than I realized.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I read somewhere that people on the autism spectrum are more likely to be trans than the general population. Of course, any trans prevalence figures need to be taken with a grain of salt, I think.

My psychiatrist (who barely knows me) doesn't think I'm on the autism spectrum. I act so gosh darn normal now! My psychologist definitely thinks so (as do the people who've known me all my life). The tribulations of being high-functioning. If I face an obstacle I'm "obstinate", "doing it on purpose", or "faking". Or "underachieving".

(Not saying I wish I had more severe symptoms so people would take me more seriously. Wouldn't wish this on anybody.)

[jossam]

I read somewhere that people on the autism spectrum are more likely to be trans than the general population. Of course, any trans prevalence figures need to be taken with a grain of salt, I think.

My psychiatrist (who barely knows me) doesn't think I'm on the autism spectrum. I act so gosh darn normal now! My psychologist definitely thinks so (as do the people who've known me all my life). The tribulations of being high-functioning. If I face an obstacle I'm "obstinate", "doing it on purpose", or "faking". Or "underachieving".

(Not saying I wish I had more severe symptoms so people would take me more seriously. Wouldn't wish this on anybody.)

I relate to this too, except I don't act so normal in social situations and I find myself acting "weird". My therapist mentioned social anxiety, but we just started therapy and she's getting to know me. There's the sensory issues too and various feelings that have nothing to do with social anxiety.

I see what you mean, as being "high-functioning" and I feel like I'm not taken seriously or not autistic enough so I don't know what people end up thinking. When I say I can't do or handle something and they feel like I'm being stubborn or lazy or whatever. Sometimes I just stop functioning well and it's not an excuse.