What if all this, just as it came, vanished again?

[Fresas con Nata]

(How I'd love to be an english native speaker and be able to accurately explain my feelings in english. Sorry for the weirdness and severily broken grammar below—corrections more than welcome!)

Well, what if I'm getting myself into such a mess like this, only to find later, with part of the path walked (or even worse, with the full transformation done), that I'm back into sanity and I'll feel like being a guy again? Because we shouldn't forget that I didn't choose this. I didn't get up one morning and say "Hello world! I'm a woman!". Well, I don't need to explain anyone how this all works

But, what happens if tomorrow, equally without choosing it, this feeling goes away? I mean, for good. What purpose is there in starting a path that I don't know whether I'm going to finish or not? It's already hard enough to tell people that I'm trans, but then to top it all later I'd have to come back and say them all "oh look, well, it turns out that... ahem I'm not trans huh?".

Anyway, this is not a showstopper. As I'm feeling right now, there's no way I could come close to even think about looking back. No, just no. But the doubt is out there orbiting my head. We can't control our feelings. Ok, that's where the magic in life lies, but cmon...

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

You English is fine and perfectly understandable!

You raise an interesting point that is not uncommon. The fear that we may have made the wrong decision.

There are a couple of points, Firstly, that is where a gender therapist earns their money. The GOOD therapists allow you to explore your thoughts and desire so that you know what is correct for you. Remembering also that any changes on HRT can take some time before they are not reversible. So many people don't 'come out' as trans until they are at a point of not passing as their assigned gender at birth.

The second point is that we have to go through Real Life Experience, RLE, that is living as  our affirmed gender before we can undertake surgery etc that is not reversible. Now a number of people argue there is no reason for RLE, but others argue that it is a good thing allowing you to be certain that you wish to live as your affirmed gender and that it is what you want.

The third point is timing. There is no reason to tell the world that you are trans until you want too. OK if you are in a relationship that is different and needs dealing with, but if you are not then there is no reason to tell anyone until you are ready.

This is your journey and no one else's, you control it as to timing and as far as what you want done. There are a number of transpeople on the site who take low dose HRT and have avoided living as their affirmed gender preferring instead to live as their assigned gender. There is nothing wrong with that, and maybe if you have doubts that is a way to go?

[AnonyMs]

But, what happens if tomorrow, equally without choosing it, this feeling goes away? I mean, for good. What purpose is there in starting a path that I don't know whether I'm going to finish or not? It's already hard enough to tell people that I'm trans, but then to top it all later I'd have to come back and say them all "oh look, well, it turns out that... ahem I'm not trans huh?".

I found these feelings went away when I started HRT, so I ended up stopping. Then they came back again, so I restarted HRT. They went away again, and I stopped again. And again and again. I gave up eventually and stayed on HRT.

It's at least very rare for someone who's had this for a long time suddenly being "cured", unless its via transition. I'm not sure its even possible, but if it is then its like betting on the lottery.

[Fresas con Nata]

Yes I know my english is understandable, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist

The fear that we may have made the wrong decision.

Well, not a decision. The fear that something that I can't control and has already changed in a dramatic way might change again. The fear that the next Euromillions winner might be divisible by 71, except that the Euromillions doesn't my affect my life in the slightest.

But then:

I found these feelings went away when I started HRT

So I guess I must be prepared because it, after all, will happen to me (ok, actually "may" but I should plan for the worst, right?)

There are a couple of points, Firstly, that is where a gender therapist earns their money. The GOOD therapists allow you to explore your thoughts and desire so that you know what is correct for you.

Yeah I guess that's the obvious next step. The good news is that the gears are already engaged—in fact I have two sets of gears, the GP→GIC one and the government-sponsored LGTBI programme one.

Re: RLE, I can see both points of view. I think it should be tailored to each individual just like hormones are.

low dose HRT [...] maybe if you have doubts that is a way to go?

I don't think so. I don't have doubts about what I feel I am, or what I want. Electrolysis and voice therapy are ongoing, my wardrobe is quickly switching sides, my parents know about it (first reaction was good), I'm planning to undergo VFS and become full time, which means coming out at work, and FFS ASAP following that, and SRS further down the line. Be able to look at myself in the mirror for something other than contact lenses. Go to the beach (!) and even take my tee off in public (!!!)

It's at least very rare for someone who's had this for a long time suddenly being "cured", unless its via transition. I'm not sure its even possible, but if it is then its like betting on the lottery.

18 months ago I could have deemed more probable to die in a shipwreck than to create an account at a random internet forum called "susans". And I don't travel by ship

Life moves in misterious ways.

Thank you both for your insights.

[HappyMoni]

Realizing that I was trans gave me the first prolonged, consistant period of self satisfaction that I have ever had. (18 months) Yet despite that, I wonder occasionally about the "mistake" idea that you bring up. What gives me confidence that I am on the right path is watching my reaction to each transition step I take. Did I feel better on HRT, hair removal, going out in public? The answer was a resounding "Yes." Also, I ask if I have left behind anything and regretted it? Not at all! I guess everyone has a different story. It is maybe not that simple for others.
Your English is fine. I supposedly speak it and it doesn't always work out for me either.
Moni

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

You could try a few changes to hair and clothing style, and see how they make you feel ...
I'd say listen to a feeling of joy.
Often people then may simply know. Its like ... I want this ... or this is me, or part of me ... you may just listen to what you feel.


An experienced gender therapist would be an idea, there are also online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

[JoanneB]

I knew or wished I was a girl since like the age of 4. In the 1960's I first learned what it really is thanks to the Christine Jorgenson movie. I wrote away for info, I was shocked I was far from alone. In my early 20's after graduating from university I twice experimented with transitioning. Both times failed badly.

By the time I reached 50, years of suppressing the feelings caught up with me. I needed to address it. It was in no way as overwhelming  as it seems for others. I was (mostly) not suicidal. I knew I just needed to figure out how to allow the female side of me to live side by side with the male side.

The good thing about trying something like going to a support group, or even HRT, or about anything short of suicide, you can always do something else. I cannot count how many times I questioned what I was doing. Or how many times, after feeling better, I tried to tell myself I should stop all this silliness.

Even my wife told me NO, you cannot stop, especially for her. I needed to see where the road took me. Now 7 years later I still and present mainly as male. I am also very much female thanks to help from HRT. I still question why am I still doing this. Just ask my therapist. I try to tell myself I can stop now. I got this beat. It is all behind me now. One look at a mirror seeing a joy filled Joanne makes me think otherwise.

Can it go away? Perhaps. But has it really gone? Are you just fooling yourself? Talked yourself out of it? Is Shame and Guilt making it easy for you deny your true feelings? As Cindy said these questions and many more is how a gender therapist earn their keep. They ask the questions that need asking. Even the questions you don't want to ask yourself, or the questions you didn't know to ask.

As long as you wake up on the sunny side of the grass, you can always change what you are doing

[Rachel]

Hi,

You write well in English.

Doubts are healthy before you do something permanent. I went full time 11/2015 and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I feel comfortable and less depressed. I scheduled several procedures, prior to going full time I questioned if I was strong enough to fully transition. I know I am now.  I want to fit in and I want it ASAP.

[Fresas con Nata]

My reaction to the limited steps I've taken has been positive. That's how I ended up here. If I had felt wrong by dressing as a woman, I would have ditched the trans possibility and looked elsewhere. But it felt good, and while researching the internet I found this place.

As I've stated in other posts, these days I live between Spain and the UK. Coming to the UK is hard because this is all work related and it's pointless to bring the girl stuff here (clothes, make-up, wig). It's hard to leave it all in Spain, and the last time I just said no and took some leggings and t-shirts. I certainly feel better on leggings and I like to show off my Minnie Mouse tee . I can't really make a lot of changes to my hair because I keep it very short. I used to have long hair as a teenager but I realised I didn't like it, it's too thin. I also keep my nails long and polish them with transparent varnish.

I knew or wished I was a girl since like the age of 4. [...] By the time I reached 50

Ok but that's 46 years of feeling trans. In my case it's been around one year. Granted, if I look back I can find some things that don't fit a lot in a male lifestyle, but it wasn't until last year that I realised there was a common denominator to them all.

Bottom line is, I have no doubts I feel like a woman. But this started very suddenly, and I'm afraid I might stop feeling like a woman some day before starting HRT (thanks to AnonyMs' post above, I now know it may happen while on hormones but that's fine).

[Rebecca]

Your fear is my deepest terror but for very different reasons. I did become free all at once and the fear of "it" going away would essentially have meant my death.

I am Jerrica and have always been. The entity known as Gerard was ultimately a construct created by me to give the world what it wanted. It kept me safe but my shield became my prison. I have perhaps the stupidest and luckiest story in so far as I got really ill and the last voice standing in my head was me.

I hope and pray I'll never lose myself again but will do everything in my power to stay me and never be him again.

If I am insane please don't cure me.