Social dysphoria nightmares

[Hunchdebunch]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by starting this thread really, but I just need to talk about it I think.

I've been having nightmares for the past few nights, and they're always of a similar nature, although not exactly the same each time. The nightmares revolve around people using the wrong name and pronouns for me, and me trying in vain to correct them. It goes on for a long time and it's usually like no one can hear me or they're just ignoring me when I correct them. By the end of the dream I'm usually screaming 'it's not she, it's they!' and 'My name is Kolby!' at people, and they're still getting it wrong.

I think to an extent it is true to real life, but it is very exaggerated in the nightmares. I've been quite stressed recently about struggling to get my family to use the correct name and pronouns for me. It's not that they're against me being trans, they just really struggle with the pronouns no matter how much I correct them, and even after asking them to at least try calling me Kolby, I've not once heard them use my correct name. It's obviously playing on my mind, I guess. I actually told my mum about these nightmares and how upset they made me, and how they made me more sure of using my new name. And then like 10 minutes later she deadnamed me again. I have a very good relationship with my mum, and really don't want this to come between us, but it's getting a bit much for me now.

My coworkers all call me Kolby now, which is good, and I've not heard any of them slip up with that. But they still keep messing up my pronouns to the point that I'm too mentally and emotionally tired to correct them. I think that's probably contributing to my stress too.

As I said I don't really know why I'm posting this other than the fact that I needed to just tell someone. It feels like people I've told so far just aren't taking me seriously really. I'm scared I'll have a similar nightmare again tonight. I'm losing sleep over this.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that might help people understand:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

I'd say try to relax.
You could just explain politely to people, saying the new name.
With some people it may take persistency. I'd say don't get upset, just be persistent.


hugs

[purplewuggybird]

I know from experience that for many people this can be really hard for them to mentally correct your image in their head. I know that my family members slip up on pronouns a lot but I am patient because I know it takes time, sometimes a long time for this to happen. I would suggest that you have a serious conversation with them about how this makes you feel and what they can do to help themselves get this right. I think this would be a positive experience for everyone


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[Asche]

FWIW, my parents always called my oldest brother by his middle name.  Sometime around when he was 30, he asked us all to call him by his first name.

My parents never adjusted.  35 years later, my mother still called him by his middle name.

(Of course, I always had the feeling they cared more about maintaining the appearance of being caring parents than actually being caring parents.)

[Tristyn]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by starting this thread really, but I just need to talk about it I think.

I've been having nightmares for the past few nights, and they're always of a similar nature, although not exactly the same each time. The nightmares revolve around people using the wrong name and pronouns for me, and me trying in vain to correct them. It goes on for a long time and it's usually like no one can hear me or they're just ignoring me when I correct them. By the end of the dream I'm usually screaming 'it's not she, it's they!' and 'My name is Kolby!' at people, and they're still getting it wrong.

I think to an extent it is true to real life, but it is very exaggerated in the nightmares. I've been quite stressed recently about struggling to get my family to use the correct name and pronouns for me. It's not that they're against me being trans, they just really struggle with the pronouns no matter how much I correct them, and even after asking them to at least try calling me Kolby, I've not once heard them use my correct name. It's obviously playing on my mind, I guess. I actually told my mum about these nightmares and how upset they made me, and how they made me more sure of using my new name. And then like 10 minutes later she deadnamed me again. I have a very good relationship with my mum, and really don't want this to come between us, but it's getting a bit much for me now.

My coworkers all call me Kolby now, which is good, and I've not heard any of them slip up with that. But they still keep messing up my pronouns to the point that I'm too mentally and emotionally tired to correct them. I think that's probably contributing to my stress too.

As I said I don't really know why I'm posting this other than the fact that I needed to just tell someone. It feels like people I've told so far just aren't taking me seriously really. I'm scared I'll have a similar nightmare again tonight. I'm losing sleep over this.

Your situation as far as the deadnaming and misgendering reminds me of my own. Only my bro calls me the name I want (even if it is just a masculine variation of my deadname) but no one refers me as the gender I want. Dialysis is the only place I feel respected at. Everyone pretty much sees me as Phoenix and I love it!

Wish I could say the same about my home life. My dad always says that my name is (insert deadname here) no matter what and I can't do nuthin' 'bout it. Makes me feel so emasculated....Makes me just wanna run away....I tried to correct people, but I am so exhausted from that too. Sometimes they don't even register it. It's just like your nightmare. I think I have also had similar nightmares. Maybe my therapist can help set my dad straight! Sometimes I think it's better just to not even bother correcting. But after a while, it kinda gets to me. So I hardly even say two words to people. Makes it easier for me not to be deadnamed or misgendered. Unless it's mandatory for me to talk.