Conditioned to Feel Non-Passable

[gymrat93]

Hi everyone(:

I have an interesting dilemma that I feel like sharing and maybe receiving some insight about.

That is, intellectually, I know it to be true that I pass as a woman. But, past conditioning, sharp criticism and critique throughout my transition's infancy, and being emotionally pummeled in the dating scene for being trans, have all influenced me in feeling emotionally that I do not pass entirely. To shorten a potentially lengthy story, I am estranged from 100% of my friends and family pre-transition. I picked up and started a new elsewhere because provincial mentalities didn't jive with what I had to do to be myself.

Now, I have a new circle, and they are really amazing, open people, but one thing that comes up a lot is that I'm effectively delusional, notably when out in public, about how people are perceiving my appearance. I worry, every single second whenever I'm in public, that these constant looks I'm getting from passersby stem from there being something masculine about my face, and that has further conditioned me into seeing someone masculine or androgynous in the mirror a lot of the time. I always consult my friends; "Do I look okay right now? Do I pass? That girl just did a 180 to give me a second look for some reason..?" To which they always respond that I look stunning, and of course people will lose their cool over it. Some friends have even suggested that I might be suffering from body dysmorphia now, as opposed to gender dysphoria. Anyone have experiences or insight about this? I clearly pass, and have been at this for several months, but my self-perceptions are jacked up.

Today, for example, I thought I looked repulsive and was so upset about how bad my hair was making my face look---felt entirely sure that I'd get clocked for the first time in months. Nonetheless, I forced myself out of the house finally, and two different guys - one of whom was perfect 10 - approached me 15 minutes apart to talk to me. That made it evident that criticism from my past has impaired my ability to see myself for who I am, and I'd really like to finally break out of it.

Thanks for reading,
Claire

[gymrat93]

Figures.

[Michelle_P]

I've always thought that we all carry around a self-image of ourselves, from years ago, that we continue to reference as our 'current appearance'.   A person can lose weight and be in great shape, for example, but they'll still reference that stale old self-image of an overweight person.

I really don't know how to shake this off, beyond developing the self-confidence to just ignore it.  And no, I sure don't have a magic formula to do this.

Heck, I'm in my 60s, and when I look in the mirror, there's this inner 18 year old looking at that reflection and wondering what the heck happened. 

That has got to be a factor in how we see ourselves (pass or not). I bet lots of folks think of themselves at some low level as their pre-transition selves, and shaking this could be a big psychological bump in the transitioning and post-transition mental processing.

(No real answer here, sorry.)

[Lady_Oracle]

Nice thread topic. I struggle with this a lot still but how I manage is that most women I see around me are just the same, very andro faces without makeup. Some have very masculine faces in comparison to myself.. I hate when I let my eyebrows get too thick, it makes me feel disgusting honestly cause that really makes me look masculine (to me) but not unpassable. At this point I know its impossible for me to pass as a male. What's interesting though lately I've been going out with my upper lip hair grown out and stuff cause I started waxing. Anyways like no one looks at me funny and people still flirt with me lol. The hairs are really light and fine at this point. So it makes me realize im the only one that really notices it, no one else does unless they look and stare super close lol, which will never happen in public cause personal space 

My body couldn't look any better. I've had very positive dating experiences and no issues ever over my past, yet I still have this deep rooted fear of not looking "fem" enough. My voice is perfect. I can cough, laugh, yell etc all perfectly. That in itself makes me feel better honestly. I think if it wasn't for my voice I would of developed even more issues. Since I've been in transition for over 6 years now, I've developed this natural femininity and have really grown into myself. The only time I notice when I don't have that fear is when I'm with a lover. But in general, like out in public I try to own my curves and my natural model-esque body, all the while being hyper aware of everyone around me but not paranoid like how I used to be. I've gotten better about that with the more experiences I gain. Its funny when you make eye contact with someone checking you out 

I doubt this will happen but If it continues to get worst I will probably develop body dysmorphia. All of this is because I still haven't had surgery yet. This genital dyshporia has been slowly twisting my self image into the ground. Its a constant battle and thankfully the end is near. I'm in the middle of scheduling and stuff, I'm so happy.

Something that helps me is taking pictures of myself like when I'm feeling and looking my best so when I have these horrible hair/face days I look at those pics and its comforting, makes me feel better.

[IdontEven]

The dysphoria/dysmorphia beast is pretty awful. It seems like if it's indulged at all it grows and spreads until it touches pretty much every aspect of me, both tangible and not - my body, personality, talent, intelligence, value as a person, etc. It's to the point that I think people I see regularly have started going out of their way to compliment me on things because I get so twisted up in thinking that I'm completely abhorrent, but supposedly am not.

I'm trying to figure out how to either not care so much or not overly distort my self image into something more grotesque than I actually am, but it's quite difficult. Interrupting the negative thought patterns kind of works, but it still lurks, waiting for me to get stressed out or hurt enough so that it can reappear. I'd like to think surgery of some sort would fix it, but I know it won't. At best I could lessen it by getting my body, face, and voice to more closely match my ideal self-image, but I think at this point I could find flaws in God himself, were I he.

[April_TO]

I believe it only gets better in time. I don't know how long have you been in transition but I think its normal for anyone to feel this way. I have been living FT for almost 2 years and I am still getting worried from time to time but when the realization hits me that I transitioned for my own convenience than a random passersby, I just flick my hair and get on with my day.

Women check out other women. When I am in the mood, I ignore it. When I am not, I will give them a deathly stare that will usually make them look the other way. Just live your life and most importantly be happy.

Hope this helps!

April

[cindianna_jones]

This feeling that you don't fit in the world, and let's be honest, that's what it is... tends to resolve itself as you settle into your role. We worry about passing but it really boils down to getting comfortable in our own skin. It comes with time. Working in your profession. Keeping friends.

I understand how you feel. I've been there and done that. I was obsessed about my appearance and mannerisms. Once those sentiments were behind me, I got along much better. So don't worry about it. Learn to have fun and forget about it.