For those who quit HRT... would love some encouragement

[Dankster]

Been there before. I originally started hrt 5 years ago. A month in I stopped because things were getting to real. I felt guilty that I was doing this behind my families back and I was starting to feminize. About a month later,  I started again, but after about a week, stopped,  because of the same fears. This went on and off for about 3 and a half he years until I finally got over my fears. It's been 19 months now and even though I still haven't socially transitioned yet, I really don't think about it anymore. Tldr: If you feel better on hrt and can't stop about thinking it when your off it, you'll be back, they always come back. Bwahahahahahahahaha!

[abd789]

I feel as though I turned some sort of corner today and at the moment I feel at ease with continuing... thats odd, because I havent felt this way since like the first 2 days

[Ms Grace]

It can be a process Rita. Two steps forward, one step back. As long as it isn't one step forward, two steps back you're doing good and will get there in time. As always it's better to talk about it, don't bottle it up.

[JoanneB]

I tried twice in my early twenties to transition. Both times an utter fail. Ms Grace summed up the many reasons well.

I Just Wasn't Ready

Or, more like ill equipped, emotionally, to take on the whole package that comes with transition. It is a lot more then just popping a few pills, which helped some. But.... Shame, Guilt, negative self esteem, zero self worth are tough to shake.

Even 7 years ago when I started this phase. HRT helped a ton to keep me alive. To restore my hope in me. If I didn't put a lot a hard work into healing me, finding a support group, eventually a therapist, reading a ton of self-help books, etc. the experiment would have ended the same as the previous ones.

[abd789]

Yes it is a ebb and flow isnt it?

And I usually find that once it swings backward, it moves farther when it goes forward....

Thanks for talking with me when I do ask questions... 

I hate to think I will stop and just have to restart again... I mean Ive "started" a few times over the years but never intending to go all the way, more just a at home, non hormone expression of femininity. So Id would say I have started, quit and purged and avoided it several times and this time I just took it a bit further. I just think I need to go really slow, put no demands on myself and "just keep swimming"... hopefully that way I wont have to quit

[cindianna_jones]

I didn't start HRT until I was living full time in my role. From that point, I didn't go back. That was over thirty years ago. But... I did quit taking hormones in 2003. It was a financial thing, a medical thing, and an "I don't care" thing. I was married and my husband didn't seem caring enough to help me financially. It was a self destructive and too soon for menopause. A couple of years ago (during the divorce process) I talked to my endo about getting back on and he says no. He feels that I don't need them because I am now old enough to be in menopause. While I disagree with him, I'm not motivated enough to drive a couple hours to see another doctor. I'm in an "I don't care" phase. Right now, I'm not sure if it is self destructive or not.

I do reserve the right to change my mind though.

As far as stopping transition, I so totally get that. Most of us start and stop more than once. It happens. It's hard to know how it will turn out and we are all afraid of change.

[MeghanMe]

I've been wondering what I should ask of my friends, too. In general people don't want to be transphobic, so most of that reaction where they pretend not to notice is fear of making mistakes. But I think the prevailing model of a non-transphobic person is still "treats everyone the same" -- which means trying not to act differently when we do start to transition publicly. Unfortunately this winds up leaving us in a deafening silence, which isn't exactly what we're looking for.

I'm not sure how to get around this, except to maybe lean into the transition a bit and see what happens over time. I'm not going to pressure anyone. The one time I did try to ask about it the victim immediately became terribly uncomfortable.

On the ability to hide changes... I've had a couple of people do obvious double-takes at glimpses of breast growth under sweatshirts (when I stretch without thinking or turn my body in the wrong way), but I think the most noticeable things are hair and beard removal. That plus the little changes estrogen makes around your cheeks and jaw... I've had a number of people at work sneaking looks at my face (our group manager has a desk facing the corner but uses a bicycle mirror to glance around the office... she's not quite good enough at looking away when caught, haha). Anyway I think the hair is the biggest factor, and that's 100% under your control.