Having Difficulties

[Morris the Botanist]

Hello all!

My name is Morris, but all of my friends call me Moe. I'm a transman, I'm about 17, and I live in the US with my parents and little sisters. My parents are not accepting of me, and one of my little sisters, who's about 15, is pretty transphobic. I'm completely unable to go by my preferred name at home, let alone my preferred pronouns. I've known I was trans for about 2 years now, but my parents (and sister, who believes she has any kind of say in anything about this) believe there's no way I could possibly be trans because I never 'showed any signs', liked Dora the Explorer, Disney princesses, and when I was 5, I liked dresses. They also, for some odd reason, think that 'my Asperger's Syndrome (since it can make one more susceptible to outside influences because of it) is making me think this way'. I don't believe this to be true at all. I think one of the reasons my parent's didn't pick up on me being trans is my (then undiagnosed) Asperger's and ADD. I truly believe there were signs, such as me asking my mom when I was little why I couldn't be a boy, and always trying to fit in with and be accepted as 'one of the guys'. I also always saw and tried to do 'father son activities with my dad, as I would ask him a lot to teach me to fish or whittle, even though I had little interest in such things besides trying to fit the 'father-son' thing. Later in my life, I was still unsure of what I felt. I lived a sheltered life, and didn't know what 'trans' was until I got into high school. I had a few inklings that I didn't feel like a girl, but, for fear of my parents thinking I was weird or that there was something wrong with me, given I was already undergoing treatment for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I already believed there they thought there was something wrong with me, I didn't want to give them another reason to think I was messed up.
Anyways, I apologize for the long exposition, but I feel it's relevant.
Lately, at home and around my parents, I've found myself feeling numb and caring less and less when they call me by my birth name, but only slightly less when they call me by the wrong pronouns. The difference is still noticeable, though. I also find myself feeling more and more dysmorphic, and having a lot of trouble coping with it, as my mom makes me wear bras on the weekend, and still makes me shop in the 'ladies' section at the clothing store. They think I have no right to be upset at them for calling me 'little miss (insert adjective here)' when I do something they dislike, and get angry when I cry if someone calls me a girl enough.
But lately, I've been feeling more and more numb about it.
I'm a little afraid that my parent's were right and that this numbness means that my feelings about this are going away. At times, I feel like yes, I've made the right choice, this is truly how I feel, but other times I doubt myself so much.
Does anyone else doubt themself?
How does one deal with dysmorphia?
Does anyone know if parents eventually come around...?

[Elis]

Sorry you're going through this . It's healthy to have doubts; to develop your feelings about your gender and consider all sides. People obviously doubt themselves more than they would normally do if they socialise with disaproving people. I used to doubt myself; but remindeed myself the doubts were needless because each time someone misgendered me I felt absolutely miserable and people calling me he made me happy. Plus cis people don't question their gender.

Not sure if it was a typo but it's called body dysphoria. Dysmorphia is when you're cis and fixate on a particular part of your body because you imagine a flaw that isn't there and others can't see. I deal with dysphoria by wearing a binder and forcing myself to look in the mirror and focus on parts of my body I do like. Getting a male haircut was also a huge help; as well as using mens deodorant and shower gel.

Some parents do; although it may take years. You have to stand up for yourself otherwise they'll keep hurting you. Maybe email them some helpful links and try to seek out a gender therapist.

Hope this helps

[paula lesley]

Hey, Morris 

Being 17 is not an easy job but you get to walk the walk for 12 months. Then wow ! a whole new year to work with.

You know who you are. Who you really are. Just take a few steps back and breath. Your parents are your parents, they don't get a day off  Your little sisters are just that. For ever

Life is a very long song and you get to choose when you jump in and boogie.

Go easy on yourself, dude and people will listen to you.

Paula, X. ( aged 51 and 3 months  )

[Rebecca]

Although I am MTF I can sympathise with the numbness.

But the numbness was not just for dysphoria it was for everything like the world became gray and tasteless.
So slow it crept through me turning me down little by little. So slowly you don't even notice it happening.
There were eventually no more questions, wishes, happy or sad there was just being and a sense of relief that some day it would end.

I lost everything over many many years until I couldn't really feel any emotion but ran almost exclusively on thought.
No longer male, female, human, demon or animal I had become a machine.

Definitely not a cure for dysphoria or anything else more of a living death I'd say.

Scream or yell if you have to but the numbness is as dangerous as it is comforting.
Whoever or whatever you ever want to be you might have to fight for it.

Questions are great. Love questions even if answers can take a while they're all good.
Once you find your true self, hold on tight as you might be your only ally against the world.

[Jacqueline]

Hi Morris,

Welcome to the site.

Lots of tough questions.

I am much older than you but would suggest we all doubt ourselves. If we did not, I think something would be wrong.

I think over time most parents come around. However, it may take time and in some cases, people have had to seperate themselves for a while. I would only request that you not burn bridges. People do realize things later in their lives and sometimes change.

Dysphoria is usually dealt with in a few ways. Visiting a therapist is helpful, finding ways to be happy(hobbies, creative arts, find ways to volunteer or help others...). However, I believe the most successful way is distracting yourself. Lke the hobbies and some of things I just listed.

There are two sections of the site I wanted to give you a heads up about. 1- there is a youth talk section that has people typically your age that may have similar experiences you can address. 2- there is a Significant  Others section for parents and family of the trans person. It is a good place for them to learn about what you may be experiencing, what others are experiencing and suggestions.

I also wanted to share some links with you. They have info for newly posting members and the rules of the site. If you have not read it yet, please take a moment to go through them:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Continue to ask questions, intereact and get involved. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

With warmth,

Joanna