After being depression free for a few months it seems to have come back. Actually it doesn't feel like actual depression simply this numbness and empty feeling; along with a feeling i don't care about anything. When previously all I had was numbness and problems concentrating due to the anti depressants I've been on since January. Again this I'd caused by my ex. We had a complicated relationship which I won't go into but after she broke up with my I went into this depressive tail spin. After almost two years I've kind of made peace with the break up. I'm pretty sure I'm not in love with her anymore. We talk ocasionly and are now on friendly terms; but we don't consider us friends. Recently we decided to sleep together (twice so far). It's been fine; no depression as a result although I only like it because only being with her do I feel safe and it gets rid of stress. She still likes to cuddle with me which I find odd. When I asked her this she said 'don't think about it'. What on earth does that mean? My current depressive episode is because she won't be able to see me for 8 weeks due to an internship and uni. I get that but I wish she didn't treat me like a toy she can just put down and pick up whenever she feels like it. I realise I have no life of my own; no job or anything but still. Would it be so awful if we went out sometimes. Or does she still hate me too much. Maybe the cuddling is just due to the serotonin in her brain and it's meaningless.
Plus Pride is today but decided not to go which I'm kinda regretting. Again due to this; social anxiety taking over; tiredness and a current ear ache which has been bothering me for a few days. I wish this social anxiety didn't control my life. Maybe I'll go to the next trans meeting next Saturday; maybe not.
Plus I self harmed again after a few months of being clean. So yeah life is crap. I see a therapist to sort out my anxiety but she can't see me until Thursday so thought I'd talk it out here.
On the plus side in going to finally get round to getting my passport photo taking to get a new passport and provisional driving license.
