I wonder sometimes if I'm insane. I wonder that because I am giving up so many opportunities, so many relationships, a career, and probably family. It still boggles my mind how strong my feelings and desires have become. Everyone goes through wanting things, but I feel that few people want something bad enough to give up and leave behind every last shred of life in order to get it.
Someone told me back when I was 20 and attempted to transition that "Transition requires a hell of alot of comittment." I nodded and smiled and uttered my famous last words: "Oh yeah, I know!" I didn't have a clue!
This time, things are more vivid and in front of my face. I'm actually present (clean and sober) to deal with all of those things. I can no longer hide from the fallout. I have my days where I have considered backing out of transitioning to avoid all of the pain that comes along with it. Outwardly speaking, life would be a hell of alot easier if I didn't transition. However, I'd end up more miserable because I wasn't being true to who I am. I would end up where I was back in April: desperate and suicidal.
I used to pride myself VERY much in being "the oddball." I was always so brazen and outspoken about being VERY different than anyone else. And these days, I AM EXTREMELY DIFFERENT. The difference now is that I genuinly am tired of being "different." I just want to be normal. I don't want to be the black sheep of society anymore. I don't want to shove my views in everyones faces. I don't want to walk around with a sign above my head that says, "You're normal and you SUCK!" I'm tired of that life. I just want to assimilate into society and live a normal life. I'm tired of being an outcast. I'm tired of worrying about who is going to accept me and reject me. I'm tired of walking around being the one that sticks out. For once, I just want to be "one of them." I want to be the very thing I used to hate.
I guess it's age, or maybe the pain of having to be careful where I go has finally gotten to me. Honest to God, I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb anymore. I don't want to be in the spotlight anymore because I'm so radically different. I don't want to be known as Kelli the transexual. I just want to be Kelli. Nothing attached. Just Kelli.
I've always talked about leaving Pennsylvania but I never wanted it on a deep level. I've made the comittment to myself that once I reach a point in my transition where I no longer bring doubt to peoples minds about what gender I am... I'm moving. I feel a very strong need to leave Harrisburg behind. I used to always say that I'd always be proud of being a transexual and I'd be an advocate and all of that...but that's changed. I never understood when girls transitioned and went stealth (completely assimilated into society as a normal female). I NOW understand that. It really does suck walking around being ashamed. It sucks feeling like I'm walking around with a giant neon sign above my head that says "FREAKSHOW!" It really sucks being so uncomfortable. It sucks living in an area where everyone knows me as "Matt". Most of what people know isn't ME.
I wish that more of my friends really understand what it takes to transition. Hell, I'm STILL learning what it takes. It's way more than changing outward appearances. It's way more than growing hair and boobs and putting on makeup. It's an entire change of life. It's a change of thinking, a complete paradigm. It's a process of becoming who we're really meant to be. That process is far deeper than just looks. When I was younger I never really knew how much depth transition had to it. I was of the mindset that it was all physical. In my opinion, the physical is only 1/3 of it.
I question somedays whether or not I really have what it takes to transition successfully. Transitioning successfully to me is eliminating all of the self-defeating things that have held me back, eliminating all of the "male" patterns and mindsets that have kept me stuck, and physically transforming.
I have no doubt that I can physically transform. That's the EASY part! Leaving behind all of the male behaviors, sheding the patterns that I keep following, and completely changing the way I THINK are the big ones. Generally I would say that I have alot of self confidence. Where my doubt comes in is when I look at the mountian I have to climb to get where I want to be.
