To transition or not to?

[hibiki]

I have always identified as a lesbian, like girls, I wouldnt say see myself as a girl but more of do not see myself as a boy and I am still in the closet. I cannot see myself transitioning socially, wearing female clothes on the public. However, I love to wear them and be comfortable with myself at home(because some clothes are just too cute isn't it?). I think part of this is my own vanity and the part that I cannot see how I can hide the destructive effects that male puberty has ravaged over this body of mine. I am 1.9m tall and have height dysphoria over this as well. If I do decide to transition, I will be looking into having HRT, voice surgery, tracheal shave, and ultimately GRS. I understand that most people say that the parts you are born with doesn't define you. But it disgust me and the anxiety prevents me from having any sexual contact at all.

Over the past few weeks, I have taken the step to come out to a few of my closer female friends. So far, they are all receptive to the idea. Coming out to my guy friends are slightly tough as they have always seen me as a guy, and i have just broke up with my girlfriend last year, who thought that I was having a straight relationship with her, but that is a complete other story.

While I have came out to a selected few, i am still having huge dilemma over whether to start my transition at 27 as I do want to have a family and kids, and it will be a huge huddle for me to complete this wish if I do transition. It is much easier for me to attract a straight female as a guy. Transitioning would limit me to only look for another lesbian and one that is receptive to the idea that I was born male. It is possible, but I am not positive on this aspect. I am also worried about my mum as she will be losing her only baby boy. Not so sure if she will be keen on the idea of having a lesbian daughter instead.

I will be going to start self medicating(sort of) by getting anti-androgen soon. I will be getting it from legal pharmacies outside of my country. The reason being that I live in Singapore and if I do obtain these medications from endos in Singapore, these will all be on medical records which is easily accessible by the government and used against you on job applications, and all related matters.

Just had to get this out.

Thanks all.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few materials that might help with self acceptance and explaining:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

This is an emotional description but includes a few points cis people might have ... like if it was caused by un upbringing (no people are this way) :
http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

Here it can be translated in another language:

https://translate.google.co.nz/


There are online therapists, who also might help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

[hibiki]

Hello Laura,

Thanks for your help and the personal message as well. I am slowly opening up to more of my friends, and have plans to see a therapist in singapore by the end of this year. This is a huge step for me as it will leave a permanent record on my file. There is a LGBT event happening here soon as well and I will be dropping by on that to see if there are any local communities that I can join to guide me along this. I guess coming out to my mum is something that I will have to do sooner or later. I am not worried that she will disown me, just the disappointment.


The dilemma would be that if I would be happier living and acting the role of a guy focusing all my energy on family, or would I be happier being myself, but potentially losing the chance of ever having a family.

[Laura_7]

I guess coming out to my mum is something that I will have to do sooner or later. I am not worried that she will disown me, just the disappointment.

The dilemma would be that if I would be happier living and acting the role of a guy focusing all my energy on family, or would I be happier being myself, but potentially losing the chance of ever having a family.

Its difficult to say how people react. Someoen said it may be easier if you can really talk to each other on a deeper level.
If that is not the case it would be an idea to work on that, if it seems possible and worthwhile.

Well imo you could also have a family, it depends on how you present yourself ... how optimistic you appear to others ...
If you keep being optimistic and look for people imo its likely someone responds.
How much progress has your society made, are people more accepting and also considering adoption for example ?
Another possibility would be to look for someone from a close by country.

And imo concerning records it simply comes down to wanting to be accepted as the person you are.
Its not to start a r evolution. Its peacefully wanting to be accepted. Imo this can be explained to people, so everyone can be more relaxed.


hugs