Need advice BAD

[Z]

First, heres some back ground info:
(I'm 15)
From ages 0-5: I was raised to like what ever I like and I grew up rather androgynously. I liked both boy & girl things, hung out w/ both boys & girls, ect... I didn't really get gender at that age. I just felt that there were two sides, boy and girl. I knew I was on the girl side but it didn't matter to me since it basicaly meant nothing to me. Gender was almost nonexistant to me.
Ages 6-10: I now knew what gender was, as well as sex and what male and female was. I didn't fowllow any gender rolls & I didn't feel like I had to. I was ok with being a girl, but sometimes I would take up cross dreaming and I'd imagine how life will be as a male. At 9 I began to grow breasts, but I was in total denile of it. I'd reject the notion of developing, and I didn't want to be a woman. At 11 I developed a very sexualized veiw of the sexes. I felt a longing to be male, but repressed as I knew I would never be one. I concluded that I must just be into men, rather than wanting to be one. The first time I tried to touch myself & stuck my finger inside I was freaked out. It felt so wrong & I wasn't able to sleep that night. Soon after I didn't even want to take my under wear off. I even showered with it on & changed as quickly  as possible. At 12 I became very depressed. I still held a sexual veiw of the sexes, and still felt the same longing to be male, concluding that I'm straight. I began to feel a little more ok as a girl but began to cross dream more. I felt like one of the girls but kept longing to be male. At 13 I began to explore how I felt. I did some reasearch and began to feel I may be trans. I then ID'ed as FTM. At 14 I began to feel more dysphoria, and when I first started binding it felt great. I began packing with socks & the first time I saw myself with a bulge in the mirror I was so happy I had trouble getting to sleep. I transitioned socially over that year.

Now: At 15 I felt my disphoria die down as I looked more & more like a guy. I felt so happy, and I was even able to become comfortable living as a guy in a female body. Then out of the blue I felt something I'd never felt. It was like I felt like a girl, would be ok living as one, and possibly even wanted to be one.
Now I've been getting some very conflicting feelings lately. Basically, it's one like second I feel a strong longing to be male, and sometimes (either with or without) dysphoria. And the dysphoria, I hate it. I wish I were male so badly but knowing I can't be one makes me feel depressed. I want a penis, I want to produce sperm, I want to have a flat chest, I want to be male! But being female, I cant stand it. Sometimes I even feel the intense longing to at least live as, or just be, a male (even if I;ve just got a female bod).
Then the next second I feel the (intense even) feeling of comfort being female. And even the want to live as someone who is just a female. (But I'd be okay as a male too, and sometimes despite that I just don't really care about it and like just happening to be a female)
Then overall I just feel no preference, but would rather be male because I'd just like it more than I do being female. It's  like I feel genderless, and numb.

[suzifrommd]

I've heard stories like yours many times. Some folks end up identifying as non-binary - they don't cleanly fit into either a male or female binary identity. I've heard many gender fluid people tell a story like yours.

There are also FtM people who find living as a man for the rest of their lives daunting. Face it, there are comforts to womanhood, and the trip from female to male can be like stepping out of a warm shower into a cold day.

What do people do?

Many people transition to an identity that incorporates the ideal ingredients of both male and female. Others (myself included) find that impossible. I transitioned fully to female and keep my genderfluid internal experiences generally to myself.

Some do the full transition and get used to it - find that the authenticity and freedom from dysphoria more than compensates for the discomfort of being genderfluid.

It might be that a good gender therapist can help. It also might be you'll have to try out various presentations and gender roles before you find one that's right for you.

[Dena]

I made a greeting post on your first thread and I gave you three links for non binary. What you are describing is gender fluid/bigender where your gender can switch as fast as from one minute to the next. I don't know how common it is but I suspect it's less common than being transsexual. Go back and review the links in my post and you will meet others like yourself and see the solutions they found.

Finding a solution is a bit tricky. Some favor one gender over the other while others can stabilize by taking a hormone blocker. Still other find just presenting a certain way is enough. There doesn't seem to be a standard solution and it will take some experimentation but there should be a way to reduce the discomfort.

[Roses and Songs]

   HelloZ, you may want or need to see someone I wouldn't know but if you are sure you don't, you may want to throw all this in the universe and forget about it, take some rest. When it falls back down it should be more precise. (old trick I've been using for a long time, works fine for me but doesn't replace treatment, of course) Hey, your name is fun: HiZ, HelloZ, How do you doZ, Love YouZ...

                                                    Anyway, be good to yourself, RoseZ.

[InnerBeauty22]

I was in a position just like you not too long ago. Truth is I myself find no value in gender as far as society goes but for myself personally I feel more comfort being identified as female. This might be different for people but for myself it just took some soul searching and a deep look in ward. If you feel you can go either way, but feel a desire to be seen as male then by all means live that. Either in public pr alone, so long as you can experiment and find what works you can figure it out. I also suggest finding people you can talk to, either family or really close friends who won't judge you no matter what. You're still young, so make the most of your youth and explore.

Lighting up the dark.
~ Aria