Quote from: The Saint on May 08, 2016, 08:43:49 PM
I just thought about this... Since my SO introduced me to the idea of CDing at home, why would she be uncomfortable about me taking more steps towards transitioning or at the very least CDing outside of home?
There could be a lot of reasons. In one sense I had it easier with my SO in that on our first date I decided to wear lingerie - a black silk thong and similar camisole. This was 18 years ago and I'd gotten far enough along that I knew I'd rather be rejected (by a quite fetching woman) than present as purely male for sex -- rather be out with her from the start than bring it up later as a change.
That she was both accepting and enthusiastic did not extend to supportive of my desire to transition a couple of years later. Her response was surprisingly negative and self centered and started a cycle of complaining that she didn't want to see her role as being my 'support system'. Mind you the idea of being actually transexual was disturbing to me, however I was pretty clear in not bringing undue drama into the relationship and from that point forward I made it clear that I was quite capable of addressing my gender without 'support'. I also decided to pass on transition for the next 16 years and her negative response on the subject was a part of that decision.
So at the end of last year when I decided it was time to pursue HRT I didn't include her in the decision and did it mostly in 'stealth', doing my injections at work while vocalizing some feelings about gender and beginning to dress more femme.
I did this because I was pretty certain the response would be some self pity and rejected and what I needed at the time was to have a clear mind to see how HRT would affect me without piling the relationship discussion onto an already complex period (some career change ongoing problems with depression etc).
When I did get to telling her I needed to start HRT -- at the 5 week mark when I knew I was thrilled with the initial response -- the conversation was every bit as strained as I'd anticipated. She went immediately into 'what about me' mode even though I was clear in saying that what I needed was to see the effect, not sure I would continue hormones to the point of irreversible effects and not at all sure about proceeding to GRS.
We've since gotten to a better place but there was a very tense week there and the first month of HRT I felt badly that I couldn't share my feelings about positive changes with my best friend. The worst part of the discussion for me was that among her first responses was 'I feel I've been accommodating your being trans' which is at odds with our daily interaction.
Here's my take on my SO's reasons for being OK with CD (me 100% of the time with her for 18 years) and transition.
Like most people, a perceived threat results in a fright: fight or flight response and in her case brings fears of worst-case scenario to the fore
She doesn't identify as lesbian, which I get and this does come to some of the core of our relationship. In sex she clearly relates to me as male, touching my shoulders by preference where I'd prefer she pay attention to my breasts.
She hasn't said this but I interpret somewhat between the lines that she doesn't want to deal with social awkwardness, something I'm not enjoying either however as I sit fairly far into the asbergers area of the autism spectrum, I'm relatively innured to that as everyday reality.
I also read that as transphobia (in both of us), dealing with the social awkwardness of being non-binary is certainly one of the things that has kept me from starting transition earlier.
In the 3 months that have followed, I've felt some distancing from her and unsurprising discomfort with my reduced sex drive (which isn't my favorite part of HRT but it's more nuanced for me and the more rounded feeling I experience in sex now are quite welcome).
There are also things that have brought us together, sharing feelings about my increased skin sensitivity, sore breasts etc; experiencing some treatment that would be unusual for cis gender females as well as some typically female experiences of people's negativity towards feminine expression.
That's a very long response to your question, however I felt that some relationship context was possibly useful.
