Making conversation with people?

[help.confused88]

Hey there, new here and have been getting awesome replies from some members trying to guide me into being able to find out by myself If I'm really trans or not.
And here I have one question that has been knocking at the back of my mind for quite some time.
Any of you (maybe due to dysphoria? - even before realizing you were trans) had a hard time coming up with new things to talk about with people? To me it all started when I turned 16... also when anxiety kicked in (mild but still kicked in around that age). When I hit that age it's as if I no new thoughts would flow through my mind... My conversations with people tend to be very monotonous to the point that they get bored. By monotonous I mean that I NEVER, and by never I mean it, have anything creative to say. To give an example if you were to sit me in a chair for a whole week and tell me to come up with a brand new joke, I would not be able to. Also, my conversation with people seem to make no sense, everyone points it out. Like nothing I say relates with other things in the conversation, no connection between sentences and such.

I see how people come up with new inventions everyday and such and It does't make sense to me how they do it since my mind is in this constant mental blockage. I usually have things to talk about, but it's my problems that go through my head every single day.

Bottom line I was wondering if this happened to anyone else, maybe due to the dysphoria, and if it did my other question is if it got better after transitioning. If not my other thoughts is that I might have some cognitive issue such as Asperger syndrome or such since before I was 16 I had a lot of things to say, but they still did not make sense. Some people thought I had a low IQ due my poor comprehensive thinking, even thought I'm smart when it comes to books (passing with good grades, etc)

Thanks in advance !

[suzifrommd]

l always had difficulty making smalltalk with people. It's gotten a lot better since my transition. I'm more comfortable with myself and I no longer have the feeling that there's a piece of myself I had to hide.

Nothing to do with IQ. I have a masters degree in Computer Science.

[tsroxy]

Maybe you are just uncomfortable with yourself, hell.. it took me forever to crawl out of my shell.
I couldn't find myself in men macho behaviour so I had a rough time fitting in sometimes, when they start about cars
and engines and horsepower I'd fall asleep. In that sens I was never able to talk with other guys.

I got over it eventually, really easy to talk to now but inside, still the same struggles. So I think what you said might be
identity related. You don't know yourself or your interests.

[Fresas con Nata]

Any of you (maybe due to dysphoria? - even before realizing you were trans) had a hard time coming up with new things to talk about with people?

That's a long term trait of mine, totally not related to any trans stuff. Not only coming up with things to say, but even if they initiate the conversation, I find it difficult to reply and contribute to it. In fact I envy you for such a lengthy OP.

[Elis]

Same;  probably  due to lack of experience in talking to people. I just don't know how to initiate a conversation; when to butt in and make my point and how to make a joke. Once I think of something to say then they've moved on to something else. I'm very much conscious of making sure I act interested and don't come across as awkward. When talking to women I think I especially come across as weird; because I get so nervous in front of them. In front of men I feel imasculated. So I avoid going to trans meetings now. Although I plan on going to a nb meeting this weekend so hopefully it'll be different. Now I'm on T I feel a lot more confident and less awkward; so I'm counting on that developing and improving. I envy people who can talk to others so easily; it's like they have a secret power. Also I swear my barber dislikes me because I'm not talkative; even though I've being going to her for two years now :/

[Rebecca]

Don't know about the dysphoria angle in particular but a lot of what you say was very similar to my past.

As a very young child I was very creative but I lost the ability to create anything as I grew up. I could still edit, change and manipulate things very well but couldn't make anything from scratch. Like I just couldn't be me somehow as if I didn't know how. Everyone else seemed very good at being themselves but I just didn't get it. Most of my thoughts were composites of other people's as I learned to emulate them instead. The better I got at copying the more normal I would appear to others but I was slowly fading as these constructs did my living for me. Eventually found my way into computer games which was great at keeping people out and pass the time.

Conversationally I never saw the point and resented any time I was forced to talk to people.

Intelligence as raw power I would fairly say I had enough but wisdom was sorely lacking. Always had to work out what to do or what I wanted. Was very difficult to work out what I should want then the procedure to get it.

Even when I had control of my mind back again and disassembled all constructs etc I still couldn't just "be". I knew what I wanted but the body just wouldn't respond like it just wasn't connected properly. Diet, exercise and shopping helped a good bit but still disconnected.

Biggest game changer for me was when I started HRT. I can't overstate just how dramatically they affected my life. Gradually I could feel my body coming alive as if it could finally heal and work properly. Sensations, physical reactions to thoughts even real emotions and the ability to dream.

I never realised just how much I had lost as it had been taken so slowly until it was given back to me like magic.

As everything reconnected I now actually love talking to people about anything. Happy chatting to people about their lives, thoughts and feelings. Almost like I'm trying to make up for lost time. Evidence alone all over Susans just hope I'm not bugging too many people.

But yeah I was kinda normal-ish as a small kid. Late to walk and talk but did funny things like jigsaws upside down. Remember playing, dreaming and emotions. Can't pinpoint when I started losing them but early primary is close enough.

Before working out I was trans and starting HRT I did give serious consideration to some form of autism when looking at my early memories.

It is truly amazing the power of 2 little tablets on me. Of all the listed effects for HRT I never saw nor expected all that I have been given back.

[Kylo]

It's not that I have a problem coming up with things to talk about with people - I'll talk to anyone about anything. But I don't really like small talk. Throwaway pointless talk, that is. It's hard to be motivated to speak to people out there if I'm never going to see them again, or they're going to talk about the weather. Now if they wanna talk about quantum mechanics or the meaning of life, I'm there. But small talk generally turns me off, and that's the kind most people want.

I get that small talk can be a way into "bigger" talk. But 90% of the time it isn't.

In your case, I'd advise avoiding topics like problems or depression. People tend to like neutral topics for icebreakers, things everyone around you is aware of or can comment on. Where I live it's always the weather. They always start with that and then there's the opportunity to mention other things right after it. I did have this problem in school many years ago, and the reason was because unlike the other kids I wasn't watching the same TV shows or movies or sports or doing the same things as them and that was the "common topic" they liked to talk about or start conversations with. I met a friend of mine because someone mentioned a movie we'd all seen and then we went to his place to watch one I hadn't seen, and that started the friendship. Maybe get into some popular things and you'll have a good chance of being able to talk to someone about it as a starting point.

I notice the friends I have and other people I know who come up with the most jokes/witty banter and stuff to talk about are drawing from their jobs and things that happened to them. Quite a few of them work in bars and clubs, or the army, etc. Things occur around them everyday so they're constantly collecting stuff to talk about. So maybe immersing yourself in social media, news, etc. can also help as a way to broaden your knowledge on what's going on, and help with talking.

[Tristyn]

Hey there, new here and have been getting awesome replies from some members trying to guide me into being able to find out by myself If I'm really trans or not.
And here I have one question that has been knocking at the back of my mind for quite some time.
Any of you (maybe due to dysphoria? - even before realizing you were trans) had a hard time coming up with new things to talk about with people? To me it all started when I turned 16... also when anxiety kicked in (mild but still kicked in around that age). When I hit that age it's as if I no new thoughts would flow through my mind... My conversations with people tend to be very monotonous to the point that they get bored. By monotonous I mean that I NEVER, and by never I mean it, have anything creative to say. To give an example if you were to sit me in a chair for a whole week and tell me to come up with a brand new joke, I would not be able to. Also, my conversation with people seem to make no sense, everyone points it out. Like nothing I say relates with other things in the conversation, no connection between sentences and such.

I see how people come up with new inventions everyday and such and It does't make sense to me how they do it since my mind is in this constant mental blockage. I usually have things to talk about, but it's my problems that go through my head every single day.

Bottom line I was wondering if this happened to anyone else, maybe due to the dysphoria, and if it did my other question is if it got better after transitioning. If not my other thoughts is that I might have some cognitive issue such as Asperger syndrome or such since before I was 16 I had a lot of things to say, but they still did not make sense. Some people thought I had a low IQ due my poor comprehensive thinking, even thought I'm smart when it comes to books (passing with good grades, etc)

Thanks in advance !

I feel ya. I think I know exactly how you must feel. I can't say two words to most people. I know that when you've been a certain way for a long time, it can be hard to change. One thing I'm working on changing is my weak eye contact. Wiki how has a lot of great advice on a variety of topics. I would suggest you look up how to initiate small talk on there. I also feel like my I.Q. is very low. Even some of my own family thought I had a low I.Q. But I am able to succeed exceptionally well in my academic studies. Do you think you have social anxiety and/or agoraphobia in addition to Asperger's?

[help.confused88]

Well but correct me if I'm wrong... it sounds as if you all knew you were trans and wanted to be different but couldn't - hence did not want to interact with people. I'm still trying to realize if I'm really trans or my OCD or going crazy... since for me is this weird feeling... as if suddenly I feel very feminine but don't want to.

Thanks !

[cheryl reeves]

Weird how being trans affects people in different ways. I never let being trans effect me. I can carry on conversations on so many topics it blows people's minds how a person can retain so much information. I coasted in school for the teachers couldn't teach me so I grew bored and did enough classwork to pass,I have a very high iq somewhere around 165. This is why I come off as a know it all to most people,my family calls me the book... I just never dwelt on the fact I was a female trapped in a mans body to stop me from living life,I don't trust"counslors or psychiatrists for they told me I had alot of problems and I told them the only problem I have is I hate bullies and they wanted to drug me,l was forced by the school to ensure this hostility for 3yrs.some people have good luck with these people I view them as the enemy.

[cindianna_jones]

I have to know someone really well before I get comfortable enough to have a two sided conversation. What I do with people I don't know well is just ask questions. People love to talk about themselves. So, no matter what they say, I drill down with questions. I just listen. They open up quickly as I ask my sincere questions. I just listen and then ask another. This is how I get through uncomfortable encounters and most people think I'm the best conversationalist

[Michelle_P]

Making conversation was always difficult for me.   I hid behind a male persona (a bag of conditioned responses and behaviors that let me pass as male) since I was maybe 10 years old.  Conversation was not one of its skills.  I could make more or less the right responses, but didn't dare initiate a conversation for fear of giving myself away.

This persisted into adulthood, where pretty much anything outside of a technical, work related conversation made me uncomfortable and a relatively quiet participant.  Things are just starting to change now.

[Emileeeee]

I also connect topics differently than most of my family, so when I say something, they look at me like I have 3 heads and I have to explain myself. That doesn't happen with my friends. Maybe you just need to find more people of like mind so you're not worried about how people will react to what you say. I really don't think it's trans-related though unless you're trying to talk to people that fit a fake persona used as a cover, in which case they'd spot a flaw immediately.

[Tessa James]

I would imagine that the forces of repression, oppression, fear, and shame coupled with denying ourselves just might have an impact on spontaneous creativity?   Welcome aboard