I wish I had never realized I'm trans

[Michelle_P]

At the risk of hitting Dr Who twice for analogies the whole regeneration thing resonates with me. I have all of Gerard's memories but I am not him. I came alive when he died (and my body is changing too though not as fast). There is nothing I can do except be me so I guess that makes a lot of things easier as there is no choice I simply am Jerrica.

That's what transition is all about, I think.  We rebuild our physical existence to match our minds.   I just hope I don't develop a taste for fish sticks with custard. 

[jayne01]

The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

I previously replied to this thread with the above response. While most of what I said was true, I no longer think it was a mistake to figure out if I am trans or not. Yes it has been a very torturous road for me to get to where I am now, but I am finally starting to reach some level of acceptance, and that alone is helping to reduce the distress I have been feeling. Many people on here and my therapist have been trying to tell me that accepting myself is the first and probably most important step.

I still don't think I can give suitable answer to lil_red in the opening post on how to cope. This is all still very new to me (that is, accepting myself). I still wish I was not trans, life would be so much easier. But I am trans and I cannot change that, so going back to a time where I did not know may seem like I would be in an ignorant bliss, knowing what I know now, I think I would be deluding myself into thinking that not realising I am trans is better than realising and accepting. It still sucks, but at least knowing now let's me understand myself better and not think of myself as some kind of freak or mentally unbalanced.

Jayne

[Fresas con Nata]

I am trans

Congratulations, Jayne!

[Michelle_P]

I think for almost all of us, life would be simpler if we were just ordinary cisgendered people.  But, we aren't, and there's no magic pill or therapy that can put us there.  We have to accept ourselves for what we are, and deal with all the complexity and fallout in accepting our true nature and doing whatever we must to have a happier, healthier life.

Congratulations, Jayne, on taking a huge step forward!