This weekend was my niece's wedding, and it's been even harder than the last family wedding I attended.
I did dress normally (for me) most of the time, which meant in this case skirts, tights, and feminine tops, but none of the more explicitly feminine stuff I've been trying out (nail polish, jewelry, wig), and I didn't get any comments, even from the groom's side of the family who of course hadn't ever seen me before. But for the wedding itself and the reception, I felt I had to dress in male drag, as I haven't yet come out to my family as transitioning. That, plus having to introduce myself as her "uncle" and using my soon-to-be deadname all weekend, was a lot harder than I expected. Every time I had to say "uncle" I had to gather my wits first, and using my deadname (which I still have to a lot) just felt like a lead balloon being dropped. And having "guys" give me the "how's it going, big buddy" stuff was just "ugh"! (I can't blame them, since I haven't told them how I feel.)
It doesn't help that weddings are customarily a celebration, almost a deification of binary (cis) gender. The women mostly conformed to the modern ideal of femininity, i.e., thin and young-girlish, but dressed in ultra-feminine evening clothes. Having to stand around in my suit along with all the other male-assigned people in our boring business suits and tuxes and watch them made me wish I could be just like them, even though I knew that their way of being women is just not me. I don't think I would have enjoyed being a bridesmaid (or a bride!) at that wedding, but I really, really wish I could be one at some wedding.
I'm planning to come out to my family in the next few weeks. I actually told a distant cousin (the one we only found out about some 10-20 years ago) last night that I was transitioning, and she seemed accepting. I'm trying to do it first with those who I imagine might be most accepting, but I've never felt particularly accepted by my family for who I am, simply tolerated as "family," and I'm steeling myself for a lot of gaslighting and polite debate as to my being trans, so I don't know who to talk to about it next. They've all seen how I normally dress, but they haven't said a word, so I don't know if they assume I'm just a guy who dresses funny or if they just don't want to deal with the implications. Not talking about stuff (and, for some, turning stuff into topics for intellectual debate) is how my family has always handled anything the least bit difficult.
I've spent the whole weekend desperately wanting to say things to reveal who I feel like I am. (I even mentioned not liking wearing "male drag", but no one seemed to hear it.) I've restrained myself, saying, this weekend is about my niece and her (now) husband, not about me, and they have enough to deal with as it is. (I'm told this wedding was about average for a Long Island Jewish wedding, but it seemed really over the top to me compared with the weddings I'd been to up to now.)
Less TG-related, I'm divorced, so all the talk about eternal love, about soul mates and stuff like that just reminded me the whole time about how I believed that when I got married and how my hopes that she would be someone who would stand with and by me for life got slowly and painfully torn apart and crushed until it was divorce or die.
