People still messing up pronouns?

[Hunchdebunch]

I'm just wondering at what point it's acceptable for me to be annoyed that people are still messing up my pronouns and using the wrong gendered language for me? Here's the situation: I've been at my current job for about 6 months, all my coworkers have known from the very beginning that I use 'they' pronouns, and for the most part everyone was fine about it (minus some ignorant comments and questions occasionally). Some of my coworkers are still messing up my pronouns, despite me correcting them, despite basically never knowing me by any other pronouns. I just feel a bit hurt that it's still such an issue after 6 months? I could understand it if they had known me as 'she' previously, but they really haven't? It's just so jarring to me that even though I've always been 'they' to my coworkers, they still see me as a woman. It makes me feel like I'm to blame, like I don't 'look non binary enough' or 'act neutral enough' or something.

I'm just feeling so hopeless and isolated by this. Any time I mention this to anyone, they just go 'oh but it's hard to get used to those pronouns' or 'people just need time to get used to it'. And it just all feels very dismissive, but at the same time, that also makes me feel like I'm terrible for being upset.

Not to mention that when people mess up and I correct them, they often start making excuses. I don't want to hear excuses, to be honest. I'd rather a simple 'sorry, I mean they'. But often people descend into 'I'm sorry it's just so difficult to remember!' or 'Oh sorry, I'm tired'.

And you know what? I'm tired too. Tired from trying to muster the emotional strength to not let these slip-ups get to me. Tired of the way people see me. Tired of feeling fake or like a failure when I get misgendered.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so negative. I've found it hard these past few days.

[Katiepie]

I know how you feel. It does take a huge toll on the emotional level and everything.

I've fought tooth and nail for some people at my workplace to get it right, and others had gradually changed over time, and some very very slight change, and others who flat out refuse.
I've gone from pulling people to the side, and gently letting them know that they need to correct their action, usually receiving a sincere apology. One has evolved from simply regarding me as per my last name and only that then to about 98% of the time referring to me with correct pronouns of she/her, he was the one that I minimally had to correct. Two others who would gender me wrong on a daily basis, to the point of me getting so frustrated I would yell at them, told them if they don't respect me I wont respect them, numerous times had I slammed the office door in their faces, told them off and simply would need to hole myself in the back area if I had to work with them.
A few that are either supportive but insensitive and will not apologize since they are in the deep end of delusional and should have been retired 10 years ago.
And the new manager who I had to humiliate in front of many people, correct him, due to the fact in which he misgendered me to a customer, and literally about 5 others were literally about to tell him off.

I understand where you are coming from. I do have a few questions for you though in which may put light in hope with everything.
Do those who do misgender you, do they apologize, and if so, does it feel a rushed quick to dust off the shoulder apology or is it more reasonable and empathetic towards how you feel apology.
How exactly do you approach those that misgender you? I've gone through just about every circumstance of approach in this matter, and there is no universal approach in the matter.

I hope to hear back from you so then I can help out in any way.

Kate <3

[Hunchdebunch]

I understand where you are coming from. I do have a few questions for you though in which may put light in hope with everything.
Do those who do misgender you, do they apologize, and if so, does it feel a rushed quick to dust off the shoulder apology or is it more reasonable and empathetic towards how you feel apology.
How exactly do you approach those that misgender you? I've gone through just about every circumstance of approach in this matter, and there is no universal approach in the matter.

If they actually notice that they misgendered me they may apologise. But it does often feel like they're brushing it off. It's often a very sighed 'sorry, they' at best, or at worst it's followed by excuses.
When I correct people I usually just repeat what they said with the correct pronouns. Eg. someone says 'Kolby is upstairs, she's tidying the cupboard' and I say 'They're tidying the cupboard'. Or I literally just say 'they' or 'them' as appropriate. Sometimes I don't have the energy to correct people though.

You mentioned being misgendered in front of customers, that's one of the worst ones for me. Today, my boss misgendered me in front of a rep from a company she buys stock from. I felt really violated and humiliated. She didn't apologise, and I didn't say anything because I was too embarrassed, but she actually got it right a few sentences later at least.

The other thing I get frustrated by is people patting themselves on the back for getting it right. I can't believe after 6 months people are still going 'hey look I got it right!'. And also, sometimes they taddle tale on each other for not getting it right. Like if I wasn't there to hear it (or they think I wasn't there) a coworker might tell me 'oh hey, ______ called you she earlier so I corrected them!' which might sound fine, but the tone is so kind of...they're patting themselves on the back for correcting them? And they make it like a game or competition, by 'catching each other out' almost. I actually heard a conversation between two coworkers (they probably didn't realise I could hear them) that went something like this:

Person A: 'Oh you need to let Kolby know when her break is'

Person B: 'You mean they'

A: 'Oh damn it. They'

B: 'Ok I'll tell them.'

Then a minute or so later

Person B: Where's Kolby? Is she upstairs?

Person A: HAH! You corrected me earlier but now you've got it wrong!

And I was just upstairs like 'whyyyyy is this happening??'. It makes light of me being misgendered, to be honest. It just feels like it doesn't matter to them, if that's how they talk about it.

[KathyLauren]

Not to make excuses for anyone (they could, after all, be obstinate or worse), but I think I get why 'they' is hard to adjust to. 

Obviously, being a member here, I get the pronoun thing and have no trouble with using the appropriate pronoun for male or female presentations.  That's a very simple grammatical rule that I have known since I was a little kid: "gender = female, therefore pronoun = she".  No real effort is necessary, other than to recognize (or inquire about) the person's preference.

However, referring to an individual with a plural pronoun requires me to learn to break a grammatical rule I have known equally long.  That would require me to do some mental reprogramming.  With the best will in the world, I think I would mess up a lot.  I would hope that I would get used to it in a few weeks, but I don't really know.

[Stevie]

One of my children prefers to use they as their pronoun I do get it right, but it took me awhile to get it. Part of the problem is what KathyLauern said to older people they is plural. This caused some confusion when they had a medical emergency when I referred to them as they with the paramedics they looked at me and asked is there more than one person hurt?

[Tristyn]

My step sister has a friend who likes to be referred to in gender neutral pronouns like they. She has no trouble at all with this request. I even use they to describe people whose gender I am unaware of. Either that or I will ask which pronouns they prefer. I have been doing that since I was a child. But I have to agree with KathyLauren. But at the same time you're upset in all this is absolutely, 100% understandable. It hurts to be called something you aren't. It's like everyone is deaf and your voice is stuck inside of your head so no one else can even hear. At least, that's how I feel.

[arice]

My step sister has a friend who likes to be referred to in gender neutral pronouns like they. She has no trouble at all with this request. I even use they to describe people whose gender I am unaware of. Either that or I will ask which pronouns they prefer. I have been doing that since I was a child. But I have to agree with KathyLauren. But at the same time you're upset in all this is absolutely, 100% understandable. It hurts to be called something you aren't. It's like everyone is deaf and your voice is stuck inside of your head so no one else can even hear. At least, that's how I feel.

Me too.
I have a good friend who prefers "they/them". I also use gender neutral pronouns for my daughters best friend (they are 4 years old) because her friend is currently very gender fluid. It took some getting used to but it is a simple matter of respect (and in my case having problems with the outside enforcement of gender binaries).

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk