Hi everyone!
A week ago I finally admitted to myself that I have to face this, and google brought me to this forum. Reading your stories almost non-stop since then has already given me a better understanding of what's going on with me.
I'm 32, female assigned at birth, and have felt dysphoria on some level since I started puberty at the age of 10. What makes this complicated is that I started to gain weight around the same time. I've always felt that being overweight is the problem, that if I could lose it I would feel good about myself, but the truth is I have never been ok no matter what size I am. That is also pretty common with cis people too which makes everything even more confusing.
What got me thinking again of the possibility that I'm trans was that I was having a really good day actually. I was looking at myself in the mirror and loved what I saw. I really like my face when I'm not wearing make up. I dressed the way I like myself the most (I've worn men's clothes mostly for a couple of years) and went out. The elevator in our building has a mirror and thought I look good, but when I turned sideways something was just off. And then it hit me that my belly never actually bothered me, it's my breasts. I went back home, binded them (I've done that sometimes for several years) and felt like a superstar.
Over the years I've had various styles and roles - tomboy as a kid, boy clothes and no make up until I was 15, then femme, then a butch lesbian, then femme again and in the last couple of years it has kinda evened out to a style that is just me. I wear men's clothes, don't shave my legs and armpits, use very little to no make up and I actually shave my face sometimes.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I am not happy with myself currently. I am in a relationship and all this effects it obviously. I'm not even out to my partner, although I managed to tell her I would like to surgically remove my breasts at some point in life. I've been depressed my whole life, and now after a two year break I'm back seeing a doctor and taking antidepressants. I'm hoping to find a therapist and a safe space to talk about this. I know things don't happen overnight and I need to be patient and give myself time to figure this out, and still I feel like I want my breasts gone today, and yet at the same time I feel like no matter how much time it takes I could never go through with this and be out to anyone. I am scared and overwhelmed.
I will take more of these baby steps and see how far I want to transition. First thing I'm going to do is to lose weight, but this time it's not because I don't want to be fat anymore, it's because I want to look more masculine and it actually feels motivating for the first time. I want to reduce my breast size as much as I can naturally. I'm a bit worried though because my figure is a perfect hourglass and if I lose weight it will bring out my waist even more. I've started going to the gym doing basic strength training and it feels super good, I'm naturally very strong for a female and have wide shoulders and a good posture. I'm also gradually moving to a healthier diet and trying to avoid stuff that promotes estrogen.
I am currently not working because of the depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I'm trying to find things I enjoy and aim to be at peace with myself. Being a bit older really helps here.
I've been out as a lesbian since I was 14 but I never felt that was really my identity. Actually if someone asks if I'm gay I usually reply with "who cares". I hang out with people where this question never comes up, and where someone's gender does not matter at all and is rarely even mentioned. When I step out of my little bubble it's devastating. I tend to get along better with men, with women it gets usually too intense and weird if I get to know someone better. Men don't accept me as one of their own and women try to befriend me and take me to their little group where I feel very uncomfortable and out of place. I've never been attracted to lesbians, I actually am really relaxed around them and there's never any tension whatsoever. I've always dated women who are pansexual and been attracted to straight or bi women.
This post is already way too long for introduction but I feel like I need to tell someone. Thank you so much for reading. Hoping to have many conversations with you in the future, and maybe even make some friends. Despite my wide circle of LGBTIQ friends I've not yet met anyone who is in the same situation as me. Maybe that will happen if I finally find the courage to embrace this and be more open about how I feel. If you have any tips on what to do before deciding if I want to start treatment I'd be happy to hear it or read any links you might have.
