Hi,
This will actually take some time for me write up soo please be patient
I was born as a boy at 3pm on september 14th many years ago, in Cape Town in the Republic of South Africa, and lived there with my parents before moving to New Zealand with them in 1995. FYI, I have 3 other sisters, two older and a younger sister..
Well about 18 years ago i was extremely depressed (more so than normal) and suicidal. For me all the ways too end it were just too messy and well I always considered how it would affect other people (clean up, delays etc).. and thought of using a firearm.. again the mess, and thanks to my up bringing and parents, i had an iron will to live and had a motto "there is nothing in the world worth killing yourself for." i also never could understand (growing up in RSA and my late teen years in NZL) why i was soo awkward and why no one found me attractive, why dont i fit in anywhere, why is everyone (male and female) bullying me.. it was also at this time i was 18~19, that i paid a street worker and lost my virginity (very embarrassed about this..)
Anyways one of my closest friends new i was feeling very depressed and suggested since i was now going to tafe/college that i go see a psychologist (with out my parents finding out)and just work things out.. soo long story short, and 4 months later and we got onto some very interesting topics and the net was getting big (yahoo anyone) and well i got the diagnosis for Gender Identity disorder.. it was such a relief knowing why i felt this way and had a path to go and started HRT. Funny part is i was not interested in sex or a relationship what so ever. I am too socially awkward and never felt the need or attraction to ether sex. .
Anyway after 6 months of HRT, i came out to friends and moved in with a female friend (room renting and who promised to help me along the way) I was also a student on a low wage and couldn't rush into things. not too long after moving in my 2 other friends flat out rejected me and said "NO, this cant be". not to mention the female friend i was living with started falling in love with me. and my psychologist moved away and i started seeing another (who was more christian and pushed his values). anyway around the end of the year i used to visit my friend and arrive at his door and my hands and arms were visibly shaking. lets just say i was totally smashed off my face 24X7 (every waking moment) for three whole weeks. near the end of the third week i was in my friends kitchen and talking to him and the next instant i was on the floor looking at the ceiling.. my mate said i had collapsed and he had been trying to wake me for 5 whole minutes.. he also made the decision for me "that's it your moving back home.. so i did (still on HRT) and the stress got to me so bad, that one day my nose started bleeding and it bleed for 15min, i was rushed to the doc, holding a big plastic bowl under my noes still bleeding.. and roughly 20min waiting to see the doc it bleed and finally stopped.. my blood pressure was measured and both my systolic and diastolic pressure were in the mid to high hundreds.. essentially my entire support had collapsed.. and being 19~20 i was totally unprepared to go it alone.. and soo closed my self off and stopped HRT.. too save myself from ending on the street or worse.. i completely withdrew into myself and concentrated on my studies. also around this time i rescued a Welsh Corgy called Fuddy from a drug house. she was drugged and stoned at the time.. anyways aprox $3000 of vet/vet hospital fees (dad covered this and i had to pay him back) my dog was drug free.
Around this time, my mate (who didnt know i was MTF) was invited to a house of females and he didn't want to go alone so i went with. it was here i met my wife, she was the only one who was ever interested in me. anyway we ended up in bed, and i couldn't perform... it was a few days later i was able too, i had to shut my mind out and retreat into my imagination. anyway we dated for a time and moved into together, i thought i could ignore my dysphoria and simply push thru.. a few months later and some pushing from my folks, (who arranged the engagement thing, i couldn't think of a thing.) i proposed and she accepted and we got married. on the night of our marriage we didn't consummate it, she held me the whole night and the following day i flew out to work in the USA (for AT&T in California, near SAN Francisco.). a couple of years later, she wanted a child and we tried for months and nothing, finally i got tested.. and since the norm is 50% live swimmers, i was told i was 25% of that total who were live and healthy. anyway we kept trying (and i kept going mechanical) we had our first child, two years later my second.. at this time my dysphoria was getting the best of me, and i was feeling more disconnected, hated myself and generally sad and depressed most of the time.. and we moved to Australia. and i wanted a divorce.. my folks were not happy with this, and eventually sat us down and told me " if you leave her, we will help her clean you out. also if you want to follow thru you have to leave our house right now with the clothes on your back." this floored me, i mean my own parents.... i knew no one in Australia, we were still staying in the granny flat and soo i capitulated and went back to her.. over the following years we had another boy and twin girls.. thru out this time i cheated on her several times, and told her hoping she would leave.. but she didnt.. i also started smoking heavily in an attempt to end it sooner, as i saw no way out... heck i was smoking a pack and half (45smokes a day). and again i shoved my dysphoria down a deep dark hole, and repressed it again and again. but with work i would go away to work in other cities (while there go and buy womans clothes and wear them in my hotel and feel soo normal.)
but this became not enough, and i started to think over my life and made a decision (based on the fact that i was super depressed, amongst other things... sorry my urge to protect me is too big). so the first sunday back i went and saw my doctor, a lovely lady with a big heart and told her the whole story, i broke down and cried.. being the first time i opened a small part of myself. and the second visit she arranged for me to see a psychologist and told me if its a bad fit come back to her.. and she hopes i will be her doctor for a long time (she has helped others before) and i told her, thats the plan for her to be my doctor for years if possible.
And so 3 weeks ago i told my wife i want a separation ,she and my whole family (except one sister, my second eldest sister who i refer to later down.. so anytime you see SisterN you will know who i am talking about.
) wanted to know why, and i simply said depression and when i am ready i will let you know the whole story).. the following day i told my kids (it broke my heart) and went out with my sister and told her i am separating and see a professional to deal with the depression.. and that i will let everyone know in due time the reason. my parents couldn't accept that, and my other sister and them have been probing. at this time i got a cash advance and sold my car to pay for my wife(separated) to move back to NZL. oh a side note, she cant stand Transgendered people and calls us disgusting.. kind fo the straw that broke the camels back. and soo she packed and 4 days ago my wife and lovely children left for NZL.
the night my kids flew out, my SisterN brought me home and i , with my heart pounding in my chest, showed her my referral letter and she was soo totally cool with it. and she told me that her husband and her were talking and that he suspected my problem was that i was Transgendered and explains why i was always down and depressed. i was soo relieved and have soo totally new found admiration and respect for her and her husband.. infact i always respected, loved my SisterN but was too withdrawn to show her that i of all her family, accept her for who she is and never judge but accept her. and she doesnt know, but i have as far back as i can remember believed in her, that she was smarter and stronger than she new and is a very caring person. she has gone thru hell and i wish she knew that i always thought of her and her well being but had no idea how to communicate without revealing myself. i am too used protecting me, but that is changing with her support.. she is a great sister/friend and all round awesome in ways i cannot put to words.
so over the last 2 weeks i have been buying clothes and things and wrapping my mind around a lot of things again.. and for the first time in years i feel totally relaxed and at peace.. i finally accept myself for who i am, i still get down and out.. and then i jump right back to being excited and suddenly full of fear and dread. the future is scaring and fun at the same time.. i see my specialist next week Tuesday.
my folks still want the truth and reason for the separation out of me, but i wont budge.. just that in time all will be revealed. i have a strong feeling that it will only be my one sisterN in the future walking with me.. and thats fine, she is a most def cool sister and her family too.. a barel full of laughter and joy in that house hold. soo in time when things settle she agreed to help me with fashion and things.. i am in no rush.. i am sure that it will take time to fully sink in, and to be honest i have seen over the last couple of days that it has.. and the freedom and joy of being accepted for who i am and not judge is amazing. and to just be me is like phew, but i will still be reserved for a while.. after all 30+years of self conditioning is hard to break
oh if anyone knows where in melbourne Australia one can buy clothes for tall women that would be a treat (my sister and I both have super long legs too and it will help both us out, like jeans skirts etc...).
I also went out and bought an EPILADY, and dam does it work... lolz.. as for the big stores (TARGET/KMART etc) i have no issue walking in to the lady section and buying stuff.. i got asked once if i need help and who am i buying for.. i was like "no thanks, and myself " with the heart of trepidation and the attendant was" no problem, but yell if you need help" and no judgement or scorn there.. i was stunned but shopped with confidence. i shop there like i own it most of the time.. when its packed i am like ahhh hmm not todya.
Well i hope i haven't missed anything out or got things too out of order..
also my name, well i forgot to write down.. when i was around 14, oh God how i hated my puberty years.. in the granny flat crying myself to sleep most nights and wishing for the impossible (and not knowing of any way to change it) infact i remember shaving my whole body till i was caught.. oh yes back to my name.. when i was around 14 i remember waking on a Saturday morning and knew without a doubt my name wasnt Derek but Veronica Mandy J (no surname tho, dont know which one i will use.. i know i wont keep my current one, as i fear my Dad and dont want to be easily found, but feel strongly on my ancestral ties, so it may be a derative.) and My name Veronica rang like a bell thru my whole being down thru to the core of my soul. It was the greatest day for the whole day. my fondest day, even tho no one knew the name till now. i have no expectation on my sis using that till i am ready and well on my way to full time.. heck dont want to confuse kids and i am not ready for it to be used regularly now anyway, it avoids the chances of slip ups. and i dont mind the nicknames and buddy is my family nickname go
.. i love nicknames they show endearment
oh and my sister is soo cool, she is letting me stay at her house for a couple of months till my $$ settle and i can get a place.. one can only feel cared for and loved..
let the scary, fun future arrive i am ready.
