Transition with no end in sight

[Janae]

Ok so here the deal....

I've been officially transitioning for the past 3yrs on hrt. I'm preop and haven't had any major surgeries done. To date I've only had 4 sessions of laser on my face. Other than that things aren't going anywhere. I've been trying to save to at least have full body laser done so I can feel somewhat comfy with going full time. I refuse to do so with facial and body hair as they are my top two triggers. I pass pretty well before and during hrt. My body isn't anywhere near how I'd like but at this point I feel to much time is passing me by. I've been saving my tax money which is a little under 7k. I plan on having a Brazilian butt lift for a more feminine shape, minor ffs, breasts, and lastly srs eventually.

At this point I have no idea what comes next. I work full time as a nursing assistant. It's very taxing on my body, but I have plenty room for overtime, which I haven't been doing due to the stress and exhaustion, which allows me to put extra funds towards my transition. I'm just feeling discouraged because I'm not where I'd like to be comfortable to attempt to go ft. Everything just feels like it's going nowhere. It's so frustrating because I don't see a end in the near future. Any advice or tips from those who've made it to that point would be greatly appreciated

[Ms Grace]

During my first attempt at transition I went two years on HRT and threw it in without going FT because "I wasn't ready" and figured I'd never be. I'd had minimal electrolysis and wasn't all that happy with the effects of HRT. If I had any advice for myself back then it would have been just deal with one thing at a time, do what you can do and the rest will follow. I would have said just get rid of your beard first, worry about the rest later. The thing is I was actually much more passable than I realised, I'd lived with the changes for so long I didn't even realise how much I had physically changed and that I could have in fact gone full time and been fairly happy if I had been prepared to "not to be 100%".

[JoanneB]

You have the means to achieve your top goal of taking care of your major triggers. Yet it is difficult to get there. Is it possible for you to just schedule some extra hours say just one day a week? Maybe a weekend to avoid too many hours in one day? One Baby-Step to to give you hope you are moving forward.

Or, what is it really that may be keeping you from chasing after the dream? Like Grace, I had two failed transition experiments when I was in my early 20's. Fear, Shame, and Guilt won out. I was ill equipped to handle transition. Physically for sure at 6ft tall, big everything, you name it. Emotionally I was a total wreck with my negative self esteem and self worth. Low dose HRT probably saved my life. But in time that came into big conflict with my goal to just be a normal(ish) guy. It took a few years before I hit rock bottom and had to address all the baggage derailing my life

Some of these same emotional factors still run my life today. Of course, I've gotten much better at "rationalizing" the reasons. And then there is the simple fact that most days I do not feel I Need to transition. That is most days  I simply would like to, if/when I can.

[Janae]

Thanks ladies for your replies.

As far as scheduling extra hours yes it is possible. I work 7.5 hr shifts from 3-11 pm. If I stay over its till the morning at 7am. I race home for a few hrs sleep then I go back at 3pm again. Im going to have to push through the exhaustion and try to do at least 2-3 extra shifts a pay period. In addition to this I'm thinking of finding a high interest savings acct for the money I have saved so far. I'm not sure if that's the way to go but it's a idea.

[Maria77]

I look at transition as an ongoing process.  I started around 2000 in grad school, went full time 02, and am still working on things.  The facial hair bugs me and ive done a TON of laser & electrolysis and STILL need a lot more.  So i wear make-up.   Its not a big deal these days with the rise of contouring, etc., a lot of cis women wear even more make-up than me!   So i took a break on laser and just  did other stuff.  Had FFS, etc.  Sometimes i didn't do anything tangible in terms of physical stuff, but i thouht of those times as prep periods.  i think I will do a consult with McGinn soon.  My transition was backwards from most folks, but i just did what i could when i was able.  Hope this helps.