Ups and downs, acceptance and what happens the day after?

[Cindy]

Over the last few weeks I have been struggling. My journey is over and I am happy.

I am happy.

What an incredible sentence to write!

I have a man I like; I have dates. Not sure what to do about them.

But I'm now feeling the 'so what' syndrome.

I knew I would and several members have referred to it as well. One reason people leave and move on.

No I am not leaving!!!!!!

But what has happened? I fought my gender issues, and won. I fought my past, and won. (never did I expect that, but for those who where in the know, my collar has gone and my chains no longer rattle in my nightmares.)

So how do we move on?

It has been interesting, over the last few weeks I have moved away from my 'street' activism and gone into my medical support areas. I've found myself more involved in changing SOC, medical education, Law, things that I can focus on, and my focus has changed.

I'm more interested in the background and not the placard waving place I was at.

Why am I saying this?

I don't know, maybe I just needed to justify myself?

I'm still me but a different me.

Maybe I have transitioned but into what?

[stephaniec]

Congrats , care to toss some men my way.

[Dee Marshall]

Good for you! Some days I think I'm approaching that state and others I feel I'm floundering.

[Katiepie]

Well there could definitely be the "it was there all along" saying. But catch this, we walk through life figuring out what we want, we go through the path that we design for ourselves.
Does it mean we have changed once we reach the end of the road that T's off just left and right? Perhaps, but then again there comes the path that lies in wake of this revelation.
Maybe you have just reached a milestone where the weight of everything else comes very thin, where the only resistance is that of your own accord. To achieve your goal, and then to create another path.
Does it mean that we stop there? Or to expand on what we get into. Maybe this mindset of "now what?" Is just a less busy constraint in which we can decide how we go on from this point.

Kate <3

[Ms Grace]

Being a fair bit along myself I understand what you mean, Cindy. It seems to me that we tend to focus a lot on the physical aspects of transition without realising there is a significant component of emotional and mental transitioning going on too. We can usually reach a point where we think the physical aspect of transition is "complete" but the other aspects continue to grow and evolve. I know I am not the person I used to be three years ago, and it's not just because of HRT, a name and pronoun change, and the fact I present full time as female.

[barbie]

Vanity of vanities?
You are the same person regardless of changes in your appearance?

When I went out with full dress for the 2nd or 3rd time about 13 years ago, I felt a strange but very strong emptiness in my car. I was wearing a red dress, a red hat, and red lipstick. I felt like I finally become a woman. Then, what? Seeking love from a man? That is not an option for me.

Nevertheless I have continued my adventure to look like a woman (not becoming a woman) during the past 13 years.
This is my destiny, although I do not know the final destination of it.

barbie~~

[Rebecca]

There must be a great satisfaction the day you wake up and just are you.

No need to worry about body or face shaving to get rid of the remnants of the dead.

No more fear of him coming back somehow and being destroyed or imprisoned again.

As always a great post reminding us we have much to look forward to.

As for what to do next the answer is the best one.... whatever you want to do

[HappyMoni]

Cindy
     Isn't it like any journey? If you take a long trip in your car, you get in, you drive and drive (hopefully having adventures along the way), and when you get to your destination, you get out. You don't keep sitting in the car, you move onto something different. Maybe you just "arrived."
Moni

[Cindy]

I do get reflective at times and for me that is a good thing. I post such reflections as a way of talking to myself ...and sharing for others.

What I wish to get at, is that this is a journey that, as Grace said, we are so often in a rush for our physical changes. But it is the mental changes that are most important.

I have transitioned, I know that and I'm now enjoying my life. In some ways I find it unremarkable and at other times it seems a miracle. In many ways I am proud of what I have managed to achieve.

It raises interesting conundrums. I was at a party and talking to a group of people and the discussion was on past experiences, a woman asked, tell us about your past Cindy?

I answered, "well my past is weird, I tried to be a guy for most of my life and it didn't work out, when I accepted myself as a woman it all fell into place". It was odd, because I suddenly realised that no one knew I was trans.

Later my BF asked why I had outed myself (it didn't concern him, he was just asking). I said I don't know, but I am proud of being me and not ashamed and sometimes I feel like screaming from the mountain tops "I'm Cindy, I'm transgender and I am proud of it".

Seems silly when I write it down!

Thanks for your comments everyone, and Stephanie I had a date wth a guy this afternoon, another from a dating site, he was number 3 that I have met. Third pig on the rank! At least this time I didn't pour the coffee into his crotch

[Jenny07]

So if your looking for something to do you could always come over here and do some painting for me.

How are you with heights?'

[Cindy]

4 inch heels no problem!

[SamKelley]

I'm only new to this...

But it seems to me transition is so all-consuming that everything becomes about it. Whether I like to admit it or not my life has largely become about transitioning and most things are scheduled around that.

In a sense my self-identification has become "a transgender person who is transitioning".

Before I read your post Cindy, I was thinking at some point once it's all done, I'll ask myself again "what now" - Once I no longer relate everything to transitioning. And then I'll need to decide "what do I want" - which from previous experiences in my life can be a harrowing question.

But I always start at the same place. What's one thing I want - just one... And give myself permission to go after it. Then I'll add another......

xx
Sam

[AnonyMs]

I'm starting to see glimpses of another level of transition, but it seems out of reach because I'm not socially transitioning. It's like there's 3 types of transition, the usual two physical and social, and then this more hidden internal transition.

I beginning to feel I'm missing out on something.

[Cindy]

AnonyMs,
I think it is strange.. the whole journey that is.
I'm lying in bed, obviously on my computer linked into a world. How I do not comprehend.

My BF is laughing at my latest dating experience. I'm laughing as well. We make bad jokes.

I'm at peace in myself. I think I understand myself.

It feels odd not to have the conflict.

What was the conflict? It seems so distant.

[Mariah]

Even when you get to the point I'm at a good portion of it seems distant despite needing to finish one thing. Hugs
Mariah

AnonyMs,
I think it is strange.. the whole journey that is.
I'm lying in bed, obviously on my computer linked into a world. How I do not comprehend.

My BF is laughing at my latest dating experience. I'm laughing as well. We make bad jokes.

I'm at peace in myself. I think I understand myself.

It feels odd not to have the conflict.

What was the conflict? It seems so distant.

[AnonyMs]

Cindy, I can understand where you are coming from which probably says something about where I am. I'm not sure I'd have understood it a few years ago. I can also see the big gap between where we are. It sounds wonderful.

[Cindy]

Cindy, I can understand where you are coming from which probably says something about where I am. I'm not sure I'd have understood it a few years ago. I can also see the big gap between where we are. It sounds wonderful.

Our journey's are taken at our own pace.

I suppose at the end of last week I felt similar to how I felt after doing a 10,000m as a kid. Euphoric, and lost.

There must have been a reason I put my body through the pain and when the pain stops you feel good. Then you look back to the track and wonder why?

You forget the pain. You take your track shoes off and watch the blood run, and wonder why you can't feel the pain any more.

Then you look forward to the next competition.

[stephaniec]

it's definitely an interesting voyage and if someone can pay for an airplane ticket I'd love to watch OZ paint dry, does it dry upside down from the States.