I went out! and it was great!
Last week I posted asking how I could start going out. I've been out dressed a few times, mostly in San Francisco. But now I've reached a point where I need to integrate it into my life... and I need the practice.
I got good advice from a number of ladies here, but (forgive me) I ignored some of it. I can't imagine going to the grocery store dressed up, I think I need somewhere dark and socially acceptable.
I finally decided to try going to Baltimore, getting a hotel for a night, and trying it there. I found and booked a room in Hotel Brexton in the Mt Vernon area, a very LGBT-friendly neighborhood. I saw on the street view that there is a gay bar literally across the street, so that seemed like a good sign, and there are a couple more in the neighborhood, and the hotel prides itself on being queer-friendly. Most importantly, the room was pretty expensive - with tax it was nearly $200 - so then I couldn't back out.
I got there later than I wanted and spent some time setting up and shaving. I went out for an early dinner in guy mode and to get the feel of the neighborhood. It's a great area with a lot of neat bars and restaurants and I felt good about that.
If I was in a motel and could sneak out without being seen, it would have been easier, but the hotel has someone at the front desk 24/7. After dinner I just told the young woman at the desk that I was going to get dressed up and go out. She was totally fine with it. I think she didn't understand why I felt like I had to announce it, but I didn't want her to be surprised.
In the end it took me hours to get made up, and I butchered my make-up - but now I have a much better sense of how to do it right. I haven't been able to practice much because I teach every day and I am nervous about my students picking up on it. Anyway, I had a nice dress and my favorite 4.5" heels and I spent a while getting my cleavage right (that's my favorite part). I thought it all looked pretty good, except for the make-up.
By the time I was done dressing and stalling and trying to convince myself to leave, it was midnight. I finally did it. I walked down the hall and told the nice man at the desk that I was going out. (It took me so long that the young woman's shift was over.) He was completely polite and friendly and really didn't even look twice.
Then I walked out the door, carefully down the steps in my heels, feeling the wind on my bare legs. I felt very exposed and showy, not something I am used to at all as a guy. I went to the biggest gay bar, which I had checked out earlier. The three block walk felt much much longer in small high-heeled steps. I got gently catcalled on the way to the club and I was utterly aware that I was, finally, walking around on a busy street en femme. It was terrifying and gratifying.
I ended up grabbing the only open seat at the bar and having a drink and a half before walking home. I didn't talk to anyone but the bartenders (who were sweet), and I didn't want to. Learning to be social is for the next outing - for now I just needed to start the process. So I sat at the bar with my legs crossed and my heel dangling and sipped my beer and tried to practice looking cute.
The one realization I am still coming to terms with is that I can't expect to pass. I would love to pass, nothing would give me more pleasure, but if I plan for it, then I risk failure if I am read. Instead, I have to expect people to see me and look twice and figure it out quickly, and I have to be ok with that. In Baltimore no one knows who I am, and I doubt they would recognize me anyway, and I just had to put that all aside. I'm just another crossdresser out on the town, and if the tourists stare, well, there's nothing I can do about it. Anyway, I wouldn't wear that dress and those heels if I didn't want to be seen, right? So I have to put aside the anxiety about passing and be happy with being out.
And it was enough fun for me just to walk to the bar and back! When I got home, close to 2am, the desk guy was friendly and wished me a "good night, ma'am", which gave me a little thrill, although he can't have been fooled. I didn't want to take anything off and go back to guy mode. It was hard to pack away all the femme stuff in the morning and leave.
But now I know that I can do it. I can't do it there too often - that was a little too expensive! But I'll work out other ways and I'll practice and get more comfortable. I'm already trying to figure out when my next free weekend is.
I guess that's not the most exciting story, but it felt like a big one to me. I'm so glad I did it and I am so looking forward to doing it again, and a little better next time, and learning to relax into it and enjoy myself more. I know you have all done that and more, but I'm pleased to feel like I'm finally on my way.
I don't think I have enough posts yet that I can even post a picture, so that will have to wait
and maybe by then I'll have figured out my make-up a little better! Thanks for listening, and thanks for all the good advice. It's so helpful to know that you're not alone!
emma
